The Cubicle Warrior’s Double Life: Tinder

The Cubicle Warrior's Double Life: Tinder

Left, left, left, right, left, left, left (should have been right), left, right, MATCH.

Emily, 20
Margs and dogs are the way to my heart
Not here for hookups

“No hookups? Yeah, okay, we will see about that.” Ben often talked out loud to his lab/shepherd Duke that he rescued last year. It looks like Emily was home from school for the summer, and Ben was intrigued. Even if she truly only wanted something serious, he was starting to get a little lonely and somewhat ready to settle down. Nothing wrong with a little summer fling, right?

Just as Ben started brainstorming something witty to hit his new match with, she came sliding right in with a “OMG your dog is adorable! What’s its name?!” Wow, this was too easy. Ben replied back with “This is Duke. He’s my best friend.” He cringed at how soft he sounded but he knew that line always worked. Within an hour, he had Emily’s number and Snapchat and it was game on.

After flirting with Emily for a little over a week, Ben tried to get her to come over one night so he could make her dinner. She tried to explain to Ben that she was nervous to go over to some random guy’s house the first time they met and didn’t want to have to go on a date either, so she suggested he come over to her house and watch a movie that Tuesday night. She also added that her father was a little on the angry/aggressive side and was very controlling and protective of her. Ben was a little reluctant to the idea due to Emily’s strict father and being around parents in general, but Emily added that her parents were not going to be home so they would have the house to themselves. Ben had finally cracked through the “not here for hookups” and now he’d be sitting on a couch watching a movie with a 5’5” sorority girl that wasn’t even born when he was in kindergarten.

Ben pulled up around 7 o’clock and parked the Tahoe down the street. Emily opened the door to her house and gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. She told him to head down to the basement and she would be downstairs in a second. She soon came down the stairs in her Mountain Weekend t-shirt and yogas and sat down right next to him on the couch. They sat and talked for about two hours before they ever picked something on Netflix. Emily had one semester left in Athens before she would return home and run the social media accounts for her dad’s large landscaping company. Ben enjoyed the casual banter and actually really clicked with Emily, but he had work the next day and was just trying to get his dick wet. He quickly threw on White Chicks, and threw an arm around Emily. Before he knew it, Emily had snoozed off and the movie was over. She slowly woke up, embarrassed she had passed out. Ben decided to playfully tickle her a little bit to break the ice and soon they were making out like two drunk college kids in the corner of a house party. Ben had Emily in her underwear when the lights at the top of the stairs suddenly flickered on.

“Emily? Are you down there?”

Heavy footsteps slowly started down the stairs as Ben and Emily stared at each other like deer in the headlights. He grabbed everything in sight while bolting for the bathroom. He saw that small window above the toilet and pried it open. As Emily and her father continued to argue outside the bathroom door, Ben tried to shove his fat ass through the window. He heard Emily’s dad start yelling at her and asking if someone was there. The back of Ben’s shorts got caught on the top of the window, but as the bathroom door started shaking he knew it was now or never. He went flying through the yard in his ripped shorts towards his Tahoe in his bare feet, trying not to slip on the dew-covered grass. He jumped in his car and sped away. He soon saw a text from Emily.

“Sorry about that! My dad’s a little crazy. You forgot your wallet, silly! So I guess I’m going to have to come take you up on that dinner offer ;)”

The next day at work, Ben’s work mom, Laura, dropped by his office.

“Oh hey you! I didn’t know you lived in our neighborhood! I just saw your Tahoe down the street! You’ll never guess what happened last night!”

Image via Shutterstock

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Just a big dude from Virginia who loves Dale Earnhardt, guns, and eating red meat.

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