I think I should clarify this list by saying you could effectively interchange the title with “Famous Women Who Are Immediate Wife-Up Status For Knox.” The reason for this is because I value a girl’s “coolness,” which includes humor, self-deprecation, and unstuckupability, far more than any physical characteristics. Are all of these women coincidentally attractive? You better damn believe it. I’m no dummy.
1. Anna Kendrick
Anna Kendrick has made some really shrewd career choices. She’s gone from serious but touching movies made by talented people (“Up In The Air,” “50/50”) to a silly, fun musical comedy (“Pitch Perfect”) to becoming a darling of social media. I don’t know if she’s doing all of this because she’s just a legitimately likeable person who has good taste and enjoys interacting with fans or if she’s just a Hollywood mastermind, but I’m pretty sure I would love her for either scenario. Plus, she dated Edgar Wright, which is even more of a lovely-or-shrewd conundrum, because he’s a goofy, weirdly bearded dude who makes genre comedies for nerds. Also, have you seen that “Cups” video? She’s working in a diner! Like an everyday lady!
2. Olivia Wilde
Fuck Jason Sudeikis. Fuck that handsome, funny, kind, charismatic son of a bitch forever. Olivia Wilde has been on my list since way back when she was guest starring on “The O.C.” and appearing in Dashboard Confessional music videos. She also had small nudie scenes in “Alpha Dog.” I remember a brief GQ interview with her from when I was in high school that totally sold me. She had grown up with two loving, intellectual parents and had Chris Hitchens as a fucking babysitter. It seems that her upbringing really did rub off on her, because she’s extraordinarily smart and well spoken, and she supports a lot of great charity causes without coming off as a self-aggrandizing know-it-all or a pretentious fuck. She can do comedy and drama equally well, which just shows how talented of a human being she is. Plus, she’s naming her son Otis. Who names their kid Otis anymore?! That’s just pure awesome.
3. Ellen Degeneres
If Ellen ever switches teams, I’ll be first in line. I’m not saying that she should–I just carefully monitor her personal life to make sure I don’t miss my opportunity. She’s just the coolest cat in the…cathouse? That seems like it could be offensive. Oh well. She’s funnier than most people on the planet, extraordinarily quick on the draw, doesn’t take herself too seriously, and dances like a goober. I like girls who dance like goobers. She gets into pop and celebrity culture on her daily show without coming off as vapid or annoying like her peers. My only critique of her is that she doesn’t do stand up anymore. What the hell, Ellen? If I have a 0 percent chance of dating you (as opposed to 0.01 percent for the rest of the women on this list) then at least get back to doing theater shows so I can come enjoy your stuff live. I mean, sure, I could go to a taping of your show, but I’d rather hear you tell jokes than interview the lead actress from [fill in dystopian teen movie here].
4. Alison Brie
My roommate is obsessed with Alison Brie. I won’t clarify which roommate, because he has a girlfriend who reads my stuff and I don’t want to get him in trouble. Wait–only one of my roommates has a girlfriend, so if she does simple process of elimination…oops, sorry buddy. Anyway, she’s probably number one on this list in terms of sheer “coolness.” She’s incredibly funny, has a bigger potty mouth than I do (exaggeration), and is just a generally nice human being by all accounts of everyone I’ve talked to who knows her. Plus she’s kind of weird. I dig weird.
5. Mila Kunis
Mila Kunis seems like a really hot bro. Am I being unfairly swayed by her Jim Beam commercials, in spite of no evidence whatsoever that she even drinks whiskey? Abso-balls-lutely. Granted, the biggest problem when making a list like this is having to separate these ladies from the roles that they play, but you can also make a lot of conclusions about actors or actresses by the roles they choose once they’ve been working long enough. The fact that Mila continually works with the czar of dick jokes, Seth McFarlane, says a lot about her, whether you enjoy his particular brand of comedy or not. Plus, she’s genuinely hilarious in her interviews and she’s dating the Kutch. Guys, think about it. Jackie is dating Kelso. Don’t whine to me about how Ashton’s a douche. He’s a genuinely nice guy who we also used to love from “Punk’d” and “That ‘70s Show.” Just because he’s on garbage TV now gettin’ dem checks, it doesn’t mean he’s a different guy. He’s doing the same thing that we would do in his situation. Also, how my love letter to Mila Kunis turned into a rant about Ashton Kutcher’s likability, I’ll never know.