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He tapped his pen on his desk while running potential lunch destinations through his head. It wasn’t that he was tired of the salad-to-order place he’d been frequenting in an effort to eat healthier, but it was unseasonably cold and he craved something more. Flicking open the Favor app to see if they were offering any free deliveries that day, he noticed the name of a new pub down the street.
“YUP,” he thought as he queued up the menu and noticed their trademark “Patty Melt” which was probably just like every other patty melt he’d ever eaten.
Realizing he had to update his debit card information in the app, he reached across his desk for his wallet as his phone vibrated — a text from John.
“What’re we doing this weekend?” he asked.
With his mind drawing back to a conversation he’d had regarding his groomsman days prior, Todd realized that he had completely forgotten to actually ask John despite Caroline being asked at the brunch.
“Dude,” Todd responded in a single iMessage. “I completely forgot to ask you something the other day — you’re going to be my best man, right?”
Three dots immediately flashed onto the screen.
“Uh, yeah, dude,” John responded promptly. “Of course.”
“Nice,” Todd typed back.
There were two minutes of silence before Todd picked up his phone again to ask another question that was weighing heavily on his mind.
“Hey, something else,” he began, “Have you had the patty melt from Finnigan’s on 3rd Street?”
This time around, though, three dots didn’t come up as quickly as Todd would have liked. He still hadn’t entered all of his debit card information and was reluctant to do so if the patty melt wasn’t up to his standard. Todd preferred dark rye to light, cheese on both sides rather than just the top. He wasn’t a picky eater by any means; it’s just that he liked the way his mom had prepared them while growing up.
Finally, his phone lit up again. “Dude,” John said, “I’ve actually been meaning to try it. It got mixed reviews from some guys I work with but it looks good as hell on their Instagram feed.”
“They don’t have a menu on their website yet,” Todd responded before pulling up their Instagram and seeing the photo John alluded to. “Yep,” he thought. “Dark. mother. fucking. rye.”
With a silent fist pump at his desk, he nodded his head affirmatively while typing in his debit card number. Before entering his order, he hesitated and pondered, “Should your boy get extra mayo, or should your boy get extra mayo?”
He didn’t need extra mayo, but it could be devastating if there wasn’t enough mayo the way the sandwich came. If he had learned anything from his experience with food delivery services, it’s that you should always order the sauce on the side. In the forty-five minute eternity between placing the order and actually having the sandwich on your desk, you never know what a sauce can do to the sandwich itself.
Pressing “Back” on the confirmation screen, he searched for the options to both get the mayonnaise on the side and get extra mayonnaise.
“Wait,” he muttered, “Are they really going to charge me an extra $1.79 for mayo? Like, if you’re in a restaurant, they don’t charge you extra for mayo, do they?”
He sat back and put his hand on his chin. “Fuck this,” he further thought. “There’s no way I’m paying extra for mayo. I bet we have some in the fridge in the break room.”
Wiggling his mouse to illuminate his computer screen, he pulled up Slack and asked his co-worker Jack if there was any mayo in the fridge.
“I think I saw some earlier,” Jack responded. “I don’t know, though, Tara sucks at reordering shit when we’re out of it.”
“Hellman’s?” Todd asked.
“I mean, what other types of mayo are there?” Jack responded again.
Todd smirked. It wasn’t that Jack was wrong, but he also wasn’t right. Sure, anyone who buys any mayo that isn’t Hellman’s is a serial killer, but in today’s mayo landscape, there are endless types that Tara could have bought — Normal, Light, Avocado Oil, Miracle Whip, the really shitty generic brand mayo that tastes like Miracle Whip. The list goes on.
“I can’t take any chances,” Todd thought as he stood up from his desk and walked down the hall. Opening the refrigerator door, he surveyed the situation in front of him. “Yep, looks like there’s a jar riiiiiight here,” he affirmed while removing it from the fridge door. Squinting his eyes, he noticed that the expiration date was fast approaching.
He tapped his foot. “I feel like I’ve heard of people dying from expired mayonnaise before. But is that because they leave it in the sun, or is it because it’s old? Like, does mayo really expire on the expiration date, or is it more of a legal thing that Big Mayo has to put on jars?”
A lightbulb went off in his head.
“I know,” he thought, “I’ll see if we have any mayo packets anywhere around here.” It was then that he began rummaging through the drawers of the break room trying to figure out where they could possibly be. He thought about asking their office manager, Tara, but she was at lunch. “Probably at Finnegan’s eating a damn patty melt,” Todd joked to himself while smiling. “Ha, classic.”
From behind, someone startled him. “What’re you looking for, big guy?” he heard one of the partners say.
Taken aback, Todd realized it was that hound Patrick.
“Oh, hey Patrick — do you know if we have any mayo packets?”
“I’ve got a stash in my desk,” Patrick responded while placing his mug under the Keurig. “Here, I’ll just show you.”
As they lumbered down the hall, Patrick echoed what Jack had said on Slack earlier. “I’ll tell ya, Tara really isn’t great at keeping backstock of the condiments. Zero attention to detail, that girl.”
“Not bad on the eyes, though. Right, sir?” Todd joked, hoping for a positive reaction.
“That’s why we hired her, Todd.”
Todd nodded along. Patrick was one of the better superiors in the office to interact with, but he was still an imposing and intimidating guy. When they finally reached his desk, Patrick leaned over while questioning, “How many you need?”
“Like…. three?” Todd said.
“Atta boy,” Patrick bellowed while handing them over.
Before walking out, Todd turned back and made an offer to Patrick. “Hey, so I’m ordering a patty melt from Finnigan’s down the street — can I get you anything?”
Patrick smiled back. “Not for me, unfortunately. The old lady’s got me on a diet — boneless, skinless chicken over spinach for me today. I fuckin’ hate my life.”
Todd did a fake puke motion which got a good laugh from the both of them. “Alright,” Todd said in closing. “I really appreciate the mayo.”
“No problem,” Patrick responded. “Enjoy that patty melt while you still have your metabolism.”
Upon returning to his desk, Todd unlocked his phone and unselected the “on the side” and “extra” options for the mayonnaise. Finally, he pressed “Place Order” and rested the packets on the corner of his desk.
Realizing he had received another text from John prior to ordering his patty melt, Todd opened iMessage and saw a text that simply said, “So does this mean I can finally start organizing the bachelor party?” .
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
I’m 24 years old with a full time job, and I just sat here for 5 minutes reading the inner monologue of a fictional dude searching for mayonaisse, and the worst part is that I LIKED IT.
Everyone likes a story with a happy ending.
It’s cathartic.
I love how the plot started with Todd confirming an arrangment for what is supposed to be the most important day of his life, but quickly devolved into a condiment-finding mission.
name checks out, thanks for the sparks notes! lol
Todd so picky about patty melts, so careless about picking a life partner.
I think Will got confused between a Patty Melt and a Reuben.
Ha what the hell, Will?
This was absolutely electric and I refuse to believe otherwise.
I mean, I too am a mayo boy but if you wanted to send Todd on a search for something he can’t find couldn’t it at least have been his balls?
Bra. Vo.
Any chance grown-ass men will stop referring to themselves as “your boy” anytime soon?
Yea, I stopped like a year ago and just started referring to myself as Senor Daddy.
Imma have to steal that
The fact that this seemed random was genius. Best man established in one paragraph and then the main concern was condiments. Sums up the difference between men and women perfectly.
as a current best man for a wedding this summer can confirm
hella nuance
This was great.
#ExtraMayoSzn
The chubby cousin of oatmeal szn
#BigMayo
*Todd, 5 years after marriage, eating mayo in the dark because it’s the only thing left in the world that makes him happy*
Hands down the most disgusting thing I’ve seen all year.
Walmart Mayo nonetheless.
there is no much to unpack with this gif. The sniff… the immediate revulsion….the weighing of options….the hesitation….the fuck it….and finally “this is who I am now, and thats okay”
Patrick’s desk clearly has a fifth of bourbon next to those mayo packets.
and a handgun
The bourbon is in case he gets sad or angry. The .44 is in case he gets REALLY sad or angry
Okay wtf Will, why is Todd using a debit card instead of a credit card.. It’s all about the points
Girl probably checks the credit card spending – would light him up for not being healthy…”like, don’t you want to look good for me at our wedding?”
What’s the real move here PGP Nation? I’m a “daily expenses under $20 on my debit card” and everything else I use the CC for points. I mostly do this because I’m paranoid about fraud so I check my accounts activity several times a day
Everything on my credit card because if I swipe by debit card and it gets compromised, that’s my money not the credit card companies.
This exactly. Credit card companies and banks care way more about their money than they do about your money. PGP Nation, adopt the OPM mentality (Other People’s Money).
Name checks out
Personally I can’t remember the last time I used my debit card
It’s been so long that I stopped carrying mine a few months ago.
You’re actually less at risk with a CC than debit. You can be responsible for a certain dollar value of fraud in your checking account, but none at all on a CC after you report it. You can also check your CC account online just as easily as debit… I look at my Chase app at least daily.
Sup?
moves were made here
I use credit card for everything. Even the $1.08 iced teas from McDonald’s.
Everything on CC for points or miles, debit card in my car center console as a last resort. If I lose or have cc info stolen, it’s no cost to me but a debit card hits me.
Yep, though after finding a suspicious $6 charge on my debit card last week that might change. Thankfully it was just a mistake from my yoga studio, but the one time my credit card was actually compromised they made dozens of purchases under $20 before attempting something larger and the card was frozen. It’s just so easy for those small purchases to slip by without noticing them.
Todd’s inner monologue confirms he is just as crazy as girl.
What is crazy about a monologue with yourself to make sure you have lunch the way you like it?
Because most rational people don’t need an extended monologue to reach the conclusions that Todd did. Most just say, oh I like mayo and I know if it is not on the side then the sandwich will be awful so let me order it on the side.
^
Todd. Worry less about spending $1.79 on mayo. Worry more about girl’s spending habits.
it’s the principle of it
That bachelor party’s boutta have more lines than a weekend trip to Disneyland
“The old lady’s got me on a diet — boneless, skinless chicken over spinach for me today. I fuckin’ hate my life.”
The foreshadowing here is palpable.