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Your morning routine can be rough. You don’t want to deal with the sound of your alarm, the idiots on your morning commute, or that really weird guy that always wants to talk to you the second you get in. Some mornings, we all feel like not doing a damn thing. Wouldn’t it be nice to lay on the couch and only look at your laptop when you get a new email? While many of you continue to drudge through the roughest mornings, I have mastered the craft of finding reasons why I need to work from home for the day.
Duh. This excuse can be stretched out and furthered if your peers think you have some sort of condition. Monthly check-ups mean monthly days sitting your ass at home.
If you use this one more than twice a year, everyone is going to think you have gnarly teeth. You don’t want everyone thinking you have gnarly teeth.
Ah, one of my all-time favorites. This one worked for me for so long because I had a truck that the whole office knew about, the reason being that they probably questioned how I even made it to work behind the wheel of that thing. Once you’ve established that your vehicle is not the best, then you could be “taking your car to the shop” once a week if you wanted to.
This one is good. Sometimes you truly have to stay home to let someone in. You can let in the cable guy, the phone guy, the internet guy, the HVAC guy, the plumber, the electrician, or the whatever-the-hell-you-can-think-of guy. There’s always something in your place that could be worked on, so just pretend that person is coming over.
What an all-time classic and perfect excuse. It’s vague enough that it can cover anything, but it’s also serious enough that no one will question it.
Oh, you don’t have a dog? Well, you do now. Not only do you now have an imaginary dog, your imaginary dog has parvo. Looks like you might be home for a couple days straight, enjoy!
Oh, you don’t have a kid? Well, you do now, and this kid has the chickenpox. Then next month he will have the measles, and the month after that he will have AIDS. Relax, it’s not even a real kid.
Some places require proof for Jury Duty leave, so just don’t take the leave. It was just a really short trial but now you just feel like logging on remotely for the rest of the day. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Nothing will get you sympathy faster than all your belongings being stolen. You’ll need a few days to file a police report, call your insurance company, and recover from the emotional damage.
Nobody is going to question your butthole getting probed. I had a colonoscopy in fifth grade and I missed like three or four days of school. You have to stay home while you’re taking the laxative too, then recovery. It could even be a week, honestly.
It could be furniture or something from Amazon, but if you have to be there to sign for it, then it looks like you’re working from home.
Last but certainly not least, the timeless migraine excuse. You have a headache and you just don’t feel like coming in. Who’s going to stop you? .