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There’s a stigma attached to lone wolfing your lunch break. You’re supposed to be a part of a power lunch crew that sneaks a Mich Ultra at Twin Peaks every now and then, right? A group of bad boys who take off 5 minutes early to beat the rush at B-dubs and take in Le Batard with the sound off. But that’s not how it plays out. That group dynamic is a fickle beast, and more often than not you’re left fending for yourself.
Embrace it.
I do my best work while staring out of a window at Chipotle. It took a little while to get used to, but the shame and dishonor once attached to one man-one lunch are no longer. For my 9 dollars, these are the pros and cons of your lone wolf options.
In the car.
On paper, the car lunch appears to be the most pathetic. I’ll admit that it’s the lunch most likely to garner a, “Hey is everything okay?” message should someone you know see you. That’s why it takes a level of confidence seldom found in the just out of college crowd. No, this is a move for the seasoned vets. It’s a dangerous game. One wrong move and you’re looking at a taco grease stain that will potentially derail your entire afternoon.
But for me, the car lunch is a personal favorite. It has all the benefits of eating inside of a restaurant by yourself, but without the baggage of human interaction. Most importantly, your old friends AM radio and podcast are right there to help you pass the time. The only logistical consideration you’ll need to consider is where.
Are you a Chick-fil-a parking lot guy, or an office complex person. That debate has raged on for years. I’ve always been a big believer in the road game. It gives you the variety you need to stimulate the brain, and more importantly, it exponentially decreases the likelihood that you’ll make awkward eye contact with someone you work with.
At your desk.
If you’re looking to take in calories while at the same time putting out a grind boy vibe, this is the lone lunch for you. This style gives you the option to casually get some work done, but in reality you’ll end up diving into a VICE article about white board manufacturers taking opioids in Belize. It has its function, though. If you need to adjust your perception around the office a little bit, this is the next best thing to skipping lunch altogether. But it’s not for everyone.
The desk lunch fails to provide the necessary mental detachment from the grind that let’s you start fresh in the afternoon. Even if you’re not actually working while you sadly fling lettuce shreds all over the carpet from the sandwich disgrace that is Jimmy John’s, you’re still right there where it all goes down. And you will magically find that lettuce for weeks, if not months. It cannot be cleaned.
Picnic table in your office complex.
Pro: It’s a nice day.
Con: You definitely killed someone.
In the break room. Alone.
When you die, do you want to be remembered as a break room guy?
It’s a question every person should ask themselves. While practical on its face, eating alone in the break room is a cry for help. Nothing says “please talk to me” like someone desperately spooning out lukewarm fettuccine alfredo from a Rubbermaid Flex and Seal. You could have just done this at your desk, but instead, you chose to interject yourself into lives of any poor soul who just wants to grab a greek yogurt.
Remember, break rooms are where they WANT you to eat. It’s why they were created. Bad boys don’t eat in the break room.
Inside the restaurant.
Wireless headphones are changing the way we think about solo restaurant lunches. Just last week, we ran into a Touching Base listener going lone wolf while taking in the podcast (true story; he told us). Shoutout to that guy. But traditionally, many have avoided being the solo dining for fear of looking and feeling like a loser. A failure. A disgrace. A pariah. Not anymore.
Perhaps the most confident action you can take on a lunch break is to post up at a local hotspot. It’s a move that says, “I will be served today.” With apologies to #teamcarlunch, planting your flag at a four-seater in the middle of the lunch rush is the most liberating experience you may ever have. It’s the lunch equivalent of not putting on pants to retrieve the paper. If it were an Instagram, it would be Cutler going ass out for the haters. Jay’s as free as a bird now, and you will be too.
Image via Shutterstock
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Dave
Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.
@dcarterruff
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david@grandex.co
The BEST lunch is taco bowls that are made in Trump Tower Grill. I love Hispanics!
As for the car lunch goes: brown bag it and drive to your local public park. Park in the shade, roll the windows down, turn the radio on low, and judge every single person that comes into view. A tradition unlike any other.
Totally going to do this tomorrow
I eat lunch in my car all the time. Park in the nearby movie theater parking lot cause it’s huge and no one is there at 11-12. AM radio while eating, 30 minutes of reading in peace.
Was hungover on a random Sunday and did this to get out of the house, and to eat some Zaxby’s. I can confirm your experience.
This makes me wish I had more than a 30 minute lunch break which usually gets cut down to 15 because my patients conveniently always need help going to the bathroom RIGHT when I’m about to go eat…
I’ve stopped giving a shit about what it looks like if I eat by myself. My high school self would be mortified, but that post grad lunch break should be all about me, not hearing co-workers/work spouse/whoever else bitch about their lives
That’s why I like true dive bars. Nobody talks to each other. You sit with your beer and a shot and sort through your shit.
Is there a difference between a “true dive bar” and a “dive bar”?
I don’t know about other places, but there are places here in DC that come in and try to generate a “dive bar feel” to appeal to hipsters. It may have the quirky decor, but it tries to stay in trend.
A true dive bar, like Momma’s cooking, is unchanged by time. You go in for a beer and a shot for $3. You belly up to the same bar that they got when they opened.
It’s a place where you know that while the world moves a mile a minute outside, you can go in and take a minute to get your thoughts together.
Yeah, DC’s got one too many “strive bars” where it’s trying to get the aesthetic right, but the prices are ridiculous. Like, there shouldn’t be a single beer on the menu that’s more than 7 dollars and God help me if there are vegan/gluten-free options.
Strive bars, I like that. Perfect description.
What are your true dive bars of dc?
The Raven is the OG of DC dive bars (honorable mention goes to Recessions, though having karaoke all the time hurts its divey rep somewhat).
Other dive bars that are closer to “dive” than “strive” would be Ivy & Coney, Showtime, and maaaaybe Big Hunt.
There are other bars that have dive-like qualities to them (Tune Inn, Solly’s, Red Derby), but not quite there.
Also DC has no local brews due to shit water and being situated on a swamp. No real brews no real dives.
Erm, what? DC Brau, Atlas Brew Works, Hellbender, and more would like to have a word with you about that “no local brews” comment.
(Plus, Baltimore and Richmond are close enough for a Natty Boh/PBR overlap)
I just went and sat in my car for 30 minutes and now I’m eating a sandwich at my desk. My lunch buddy options are: my boss, the IT guy, the guy in tax accounting, or one of my six work moms. It’s a lonely world working for a small company.
What’s wrong with the guy in tax accounting?!
– Guy who took a break from filing tax forms to eat alone in the break room.
THIS. Especially when your co-workers are either lame or tight-assed.
I removed Jay Cutler’s man ass so 1) nobody gets in trouble at work, and 2) nobody questions their orientation
Someone listen to Pardon My Take today?
I genuinely enjoy hate-listening to Cowherd every day
If you really cared about us, David, you would have given us a picture of Kristin to offset the man booty picture. Just sayin.
Appreciate this as I eat lunch at Applebee’s alone. That being said, keep jimmy johns name out your mouth
I go home for lunch everyday, but when I don’t I’m a “nap in the car” person
I do that too, but I feel like it’s a risky move. It takes all my will to not just skip the rest of the day and nap on my couch.
I do the same. It’s so hard to go back. Especially if you make the mistake of taking your shoes and pants off.
Did you just write this article to force us to look at Cutler’s ass?
“Lunch is for wimps.”
-Gordon Gekko