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I was in the handicap stall the other day, scrolling through the feeds. You know, a normal morning in the office. I came across The Six Occupations Most Likely To Get You Laid At A Bar, when it actually got me thinking: what are the most ridiculous occupations people have said they do to a potential mate at the bar?
I decided to conduct nature’s most scientific study known to man: I blasted a bunch of group texts. Girls. Guys. Puppies. I covered all my tracks. It was pretty simple. “Hey freaks – what’s the craziest/weirdest thing a guy has told you he does for a living at a bar / craziest thing you’ve told a girl at the bar you do for a living.”
The results were a mix of good, bad, and ugly. So I graded them based on creativity and likelihood of actually getting you laid.
If you use these this weekend, proceed with caution.
Lies They Told
“I’m majoring in fire safety.”
This one wasn’t said as a profession but rather as a major, but I still wanted to include it simply because it worked. Actually, not sure if it got him laid but the girl believed it. Asked him all these questions about his classes and teachers (Smokey the Bear, perhaps?). “Ladies, let me show you where the exits are…you know…for fire safety.”
There are no words. But for those ladies that are into DILFs…
“I am in Sesame Street on Ice.”
This came from an ex, so it may impact my grade. When we were together, she also used to tell people she dressed up as Dale at Disney World (as in the chipmunk) which was a complete fabrication and it drove me B-A-N-A-N-A-S. But I like this Sesame Street on Ice one because they can’t call your bullshit. They can’t have you prove it, unless the bar was next to a frozen pond. It also helps if you’re trying to plan your getaway. “Yeah, the show is hitting up Seattle in a few days, so…”
“I ghost-wrote Eat Pray Love.”
Not exactly sure why this one tickled my weenus but my funny bone was on fire when I heard this one. Like what a random book to ghost write. And the thing is, no guy is going to call BS on it. How is he supposed to know it’s a memoir from ten years ago? He won’t. But it’s believable and impressive. Every guy has heard of Eat Pray Love, but no guy has read Eat Pray Love. Not sure if it got this gal laid though. “Wanna come back to my place?” “Negative ghost-writer, the tower is full.”
Lies They Heard
“I’m working with P.Diddy promoting Ciroc White.”
This one is cool, until they begin to poke holes in the story. You’ll have to answer so many questions about Sean (Combs). But you can fill them up with soft promises of lifetime supplies of Ciroc White. At the end of the day, is it really even a lie? Just by name dropping it, he’s promoting it. So, technically not such a lie. And not so creative or sexy.
“I wrangle stingrays.”
Why does one wrangle stingrays? Marine biology? To eat? Maybe there’s a black market for rays. Who knows. All I know is that stingray wranglers live dangerously. They’re mysterious. Stingray wranglers fuck. I know this. You know this. They know this. I just don’t think this job flies anywhere except Florida.
“Firefighter” *proceeds to pick her up, throw her over his shoulder, and carry her around the bar*
No originality points for the actual job, but all the execution points. Perfect tens across the board. Literally like, “Oh, you don’t believe me?” Then picking her up, throwing her into a firemen’s carry, and basically daring her to say he’s not a firefighter. “If I didn’t fight fires, could I do this?!”
“I’m the guy that writes the descriptions on the Comcast TV guide.”
This is it. This one is pure genius. The guy that writes the two to three sentence Comcast descriptions? What an electric job. I love when the captions get snarky and the writer adds their own bit of commentary. “All-star cast wasted on flat dialogue.” Imagine if you actually had this job? Nobody would ever believe you! And yet, I’m sure they couldn’t’ stop asking you questions. Bottom line: this job is the greatest conversation starter. If the real TV guide writer doesn’t have a revolving door in his smash room, fire him and find someone who can serve this occupation justice.
Okay, so those were a few of my dumb friends. What are your best lies? What’re the best you’ve heard? .