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“Can you believe it?” I told my friend, Kelli. “He’s nice. He’s normal. He’s handsome. His friends are cool. He’s not clingy and weird. And dare I say, I kind of actually like this one.”
This was big news because I am notorious for having shitty luck with my love life. Living in Los Angeles is already daunting enough for dating. Even though LA is a huge city, the dating pool seems to be completely diluted with fuck boys, people who survive off of their parents’ income, Instagram influencers, or people that are exclusively interested in the same sex. Unfortunately, my particular cup of tea fits none of the aforementioned categories. With that said, I know there are some wonderful and eligible single gentlemen here… I just can’t seem to catch a break on finding one. Until now.
“I mean, it’s VERY new… we met about a month ago so it’s nothing serious at all,” I explained.
“That’s okay! If he’s a nice guy and you actually see some potential there, why not just feel it out for a while to see what happens?” My friend advised.
So that’s exactly what I did. Everything about him was a good sign: He wasn’t overbearing about texting or calling me throughout the day (something that’s a major turn-off for me), he was attentive enough to plan dates that we’d both enjoy, and my dog loved him (a test that can be difficult to pass). Eventually, he even felt comfortable enough for me to meet his father and attend a wedding as his date where he was a groomsman. I thought that was a pretty decent sized step towards a real relationship.
At the wedding, we had a wonderful time and I felt assured that I had made a good impression to his friends and family. Everything was great. My friends loved him, as well, as we did a few double-dates with my circle of close friends. There were absolutely no red flags in sight… Until one week where I stopped hearing from him completely.
At first, I was just worried. Neither one of us was huge into a daily text message or spamming one another’s inbox — as I said earlier, that’s a HUGE turn-off to me… But many, many days had passed, and we were supposed to attend a sporting event together that weekend. The day came when we were supposed to see one another and — again — not a word. At this point, I felt comfortable sending him little nudge since we DID have solidified plans and, quite frankly, I was a bit worried about his wellbeing.
“Hey!” I wrote via text message, “Are we still down to go to the game today?”
A few hours passed and still: absolute silence. By this point, the game had already started, so I knew my answer was “no” but I was still bummed and confused.
Finally, my phone buzzed.
“Ah, no, I’m actually in San Francisco with friends this weekend!” he replied.
And… that’s it. My thoughts went immediately from 1) relieved for his safety, to 2) just confused in general. Now, I get it. I’ve dated a LOT of forgetful guys when it’s come to keeping plans we made in advance… And since this was the first “meh” moment of dating him, I figured it was totally reasonable to forgive and forget. In my mind, I didn’t think this was foreshadowing ghosting… I just assumed he was spending quality time with his buddies and he happened to be forgetful.
“No sweat! Y’all have fun! We can always go to another one,” I replied. Of course, I was let down — but it wasn’t the end of the world. After all, he and I already discussed we weren’t seeing other people and that we were exclusively dating. So I didn’t have a terribly valid reason to be angry (yet). But the following ten days? Again. Total silence.
At this point, I was starting to get frustrated. I’m absolutely not one to expect a daily interaction, but I thought our relationship was serious enough to at least engage in a simple weekly conversation — especially after he took me to meet his father and his close friends at a wedding in which he was a groomsman.
Not a “hey.” Not a “hope you’re doing well.” Not a “still in San Fran.” Let alone even a “When can I see you next?” Nope. It was pure silence.
I’m not stupid. Clearly, someone who stops talking to you doesn’t want to be with you or they’d make the slightest bit of effort to touch base. He had reached out a total of one time (and only because I asked him about that game) in the span of 17 days. That’s not a relationship — that’s ghosting. I’m no idiot. I just didn’t see it coming since he was never like this beforehand.
I’d probably feel differently if I were ghosted after a first date… After all, that’s gotta be easier to brush off. But after multiple months of interest, weddings, and continuous hanging out, I wasn’t sure what to do. So, I did what I knew to be best, and I just asked him:
“Hey. I don’t want assume anything, but I’m just wondering what happened to make you vanish. If you lost interest, you absolutely could have articulated that to me. I’m a big girl. People are completely allowed to change their feelings, and if that’s the case that’s valid. If it’s something else, I’d like to know. I haven’t heard from you and thought we had a great time together. I am just asking because I feel like it is hurtful to not be upfront with someone.”
I hit send. And I waited… yet again.
Luckily, I actually did get a response much later in the afternoon. He explained that he was sorry for his absence, but didn’t know how to tell me that he’d gotten a job out of state. The job started on Monday and he wasn’t sure how we could continue dating with the long distance.
Suffice it to say: I was pretty shocked.
I wasn’t really sure how to move forward with a reply since I was not expecting that… But I tried anyway. I let him know that it would have been nice to be in the loop about that major life change for the sake of my own emotional investment. I reminded him that I enjoyed our time together, wished him luck with the new job, hit “send”, and turned off my phone.
I didn’t want my final message to him to be vindictive. I wanted it to be honest. I was hurt, and I’m not going lie… I felt incredibly discouraged after that. I had found someone who I was interested in, and they pulled off the most classic and childish behavior to break up with someone: ghosting. Maybe I’m incredibly privileged in my dating, but that’s never happened to me after months of seeing someone exclusively.
I’m not sure what to leave you with from this story, except that I’m incredibly proud of being upfront with him about his behavior. If anything, it at least gave me the closure I needed. If I hadn’t confronted him about his ghosting, I’d still be wondering where he was (which, apparently, would have been an entirely new state by now).
Did it hurt? Absolutely. Am I embarrassed? Entirely. After all – I admitted that I actually liked this guy to my friends, and more intimately, to myself. But I have to remind myself that dating is just a giant lesson to lead you to the person you’re meant to be with. But for now? I’d prefer no more ghosting in my life, please. Except when I listen to “The Phantom of the Opera” soundtrack. That’s okay. .
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KatieCallaway
Katie is 27 and is from Nashville, TN but lives in Los Angeles, CA as an actress, comedian, writer, and marketing manager. Although some might disagree, she likely peaked when she had dinner with Randy Jackson and he called her “dude” a lot. You can see her active on the Twitterverse at @KECallaway or you can also follow her new Insta at @KatieCallaway even though she hates Instagram.
@kecallaway
@katiecallaway
That guy is an asshole and I apologize on behalf of all the good guys out there. Out of state jobs don’t just fall into your lap and he was probably at least in the process of interviewing when you guys met and definitely in the process during the month you were together. He stayed with you for that month because he was getting ass and then when the real world hit, he bailed.
But look on the bright side: better you find out that he’s a shitty person after a month than after a longer time span.
Right man, it isn’t like moving out of state for a job isn’t a valid reason for a break up and a young relationship. That’s a relatively clean one.
It sounds like it was at least three months…it was a month at the beginning of the story when she told her friend about him. Weddings and parent meeting? That’s not one month.
Fair point, kind of missed that part…which only makes things worse for the guy. How do you ghost a girl that’s met your father?
But on the flip side, it’s also weird to go days without talking with someone that you’re so serious with. It doesn’t say anywhere whether they were exclusive…but who introduces a girl to their family if they aren’t exclusive with her?
I think we can chalk it up to the guy was probably just a bitch, and took the easy and convenient way instead of having a tough conversation.
He has a girlfriend, not an out of state job.
Yeah I was confused at “exclusively dating” but not talking every day. I don’t think that’s how it works.
If that’s the case then bringing her to a wedding with his close friends and meeting his family was a BOLD move
You gotta risk it for the biscuit
From way too many years of experience, LA Dating is trash. 100% agree with your take on that, Katie. HOWEVER, the asshat should have at least been courteous and decent enough to keep you in the loop. Fuckem. He did you a favor by making you available for someone who actually isn’t a POS. I apologize. I’m, just floored that someone would pull this juvenile shit months into a relationship. Ghosting is for cowards and children. The PGP community isn’t either of those.
To the dude in the article: do. fucking. better. ya cuck.
Ghosting after 2 or 3 dates is admissible. But he 100% owed you an explanation. Fucked up on his part.
Still a trash move in my opinion. If you can’t tell someone you’ve only been seeing for a short time that you’re not interested, how are you going to have tough conversations in a more serious relationship?
Exactly! I’d rather know right away so I can move ahead. Everyone can learn to be a big girl or boy about it. Being straightforward with someone shows you understand WHY respecting someone else’s feelings is always the best move.
This hit me like a train. Pretty similar thing happened to me last year. All we want is closure, guys. Just man the fuck up and be honest with us and it might hurt a tiny bit less.
Everyone seems to agree that ghosting is awful but making sure you don’t do it to others and teaching others not to do it too is of paramount importance.
Ken, you’ve literally ghosted us since 2016. Where the hell have ya been?
On Reddit rating porn.
Had a similar situation go down last year, although instead of her eventually admitting why things fell apart I found out I had taken up the role of side piece when I saw on Facebook she’s in a relationship of over 3 years. Can’t begin to say how shitty I felt about myself or for the guy. I reached out to let him know and apologize and he flipped out and accused me of lying so I just let it go. Best of luck pal, you’re dancing with the devil now
This hits too close to home
Got ghosted by someone I really started to like this summer. It’s really hard to shake that feeling.
Out of all the things that suck about online dating, being ghosted is the absolute WORST. Why can’t people just be mature and act like adults? We are not in H.S. anymore, people. My favorite is when a guy ghosts me and then comes sniffing around a few months (Or years) later, after realizing that maybe I wasn’t so bad after all. And YES, it brings me great joy to say, “Are you fucking kidding me”?!?!