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Everyone poops. Yes, even Emily Ratajkowski. It’s an odd thing, pooping. Once we get outside of our comfort zone the prospect of pooping becomes daunting, and it can absolutely ruin a night out if you’re in unfamiliar territory and a bowel movement starts to rear its ugly head.
I’ve never been “poop shy” (so to speak) but there a couple of situations that all of us have been in where the decision to drop some heat literally feels like a life or death situation. Here are top worst, in no particular order, and how to go about dealing with each.
Inside your significant other’s parents home.
Last summer I got invited to a girl’s cottage (also referred to as a lakehouse in some parts of the country) in Ohio. Her parents were there, and we were set to stay with them for three days. Needless to say, I knew that at some point I was going to have to poop. There were no incidents where I had to annihilate a half next to the dining room table where everyone was eating, but I was nervous that something like that would happen.
If at all possible, in this situation it is best to save your bowel movements until everyone in the house has gone to bed. If you’re staying at a girl’s parents’ house, you should have seen each other pee already. Any illusion that farting or pooping does not happen is long gone, and you’re comfortable in a way that new couples are not.
However, I do understand that not all shits can wait. Sometimes nature calls, and it could be during one of those living room conversations with the parents when your significant other is getting dressed for dinner. In this case, it’s best to choose a bathroom as far away from the action as possible so as not let on that you’re a disgusting farm animal making toilet farts in a prim and proper home. The plus side of pooping at your girlfriend or boyfriend’s parent’s house is that while awkward, at least it’s going to be clean, which brings me to my next situation.
The bar dump.
Depending on the kind of bar you frequent, I guess this could be a perfectly fine situation to find yourself in but I think for most of you reading this the bar dump is nightmare fuel. I love dive bars and the clientele that this type of atmosphere attracts but this does not equate to sparkling, crispy clean bathrooms.
Fate is a cruel mistress and, usually, a bar dump comes on strong just as you’re about to make a move on someone or right as your crew is really getting amped up to another level. Two options sit before you when pooping is on the mind whilst at a bar. 1. You can call it a night and go do the deed in the privacy of your own home. 2. You can bite the bullet and shit in a bar restroom where there’s a good chance of contracting hepatitis or something like that.
A lot of the time, these kinds of bars won’t even have doors on the stalls out of fear from management that people are using them to do illegal drugs. I’ve had the misfortune of taking a shit in a stall with no door before, and all I can tell you is that you have to own it. It’s recommended that you chug the drink in front of you or order a shot before you squat over a dirty toilet seat, trying desperately not to let your buttcheeks hit porcelain. In short, you’ve got to own it. Say hello to your fellow bathroom patrons, maybe crack a joke at your own expense.
At a person’s apartment who you’re not officially dating.
This is probably the scariest scenario of them all. Much like being at a significant other’s parent’s house, your best bet if you’re at a girl’s place sleeping over is to wait until she’s in REM sleep. There’s a good chance that her bathroom is very close to her bedroom, so it’s best to turn the faucet on while dropping your children off at the pool. If for some reason your hookup wakes up during the poop, yell out from the bathroom that you had a weird dream and needed to splash some water on your face. She probably won’t buy it, but it’s better than telling the truth, right?
During the infancy of a courtship, farting and pooping are two things that you just do not talk about with each other. Guys and girls alike will hold in farts for a duration of a date, waiting for their hookup to leave their home before absolutely letting loose. It’s a silly game we play with one another and I think it’s stupid to pretend like neither party poops, but that’s just the way things are during the first few months. Both people in the relationship are gun shy at first, and it’s difficult to be 100% comfortable around each other until the discussion about pooping comes up. Until two or three months in, you just have to accept the fact that neither of you will be able to poop without worry.
The house party.
So far I’ve advocated for pooping when you have to go. But in this situation, and particularly at my age, there is simply too much risk involved to poop at a house party. Pressure mounts the longer that you’re inside of a bathroom at a house party as there are usually only one or two inside the entire place. Girls always have to pee, and there’s always going to be a contingent of dudes who want the bathroom to blow lines of cocaine or Adderall.
This is different from the bar dump because you know most of the people fairly intimately at a house party. They’re going to know who blew up the bathroom, and there’s a special kind of shame that comes with walking out of a bathroom that reeks to high hell in front of a line of girls who have been waiting for you get out of there.
If you’ve got to poop at a house party, I suggest walking to the nearest restaurant, gas station, or hole in the wall bar and doing your business there. It’s either that or you go home early because there just isn’t a way to poop at a house party without feeling ashamed and embarrassed. .
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jduda@grandex.co
Military outhouses on deployment… 3-4 holes wide no doors/stalls, you’re crapping into a metal can with 3″ of diesel in the bottom, it is 120 degrees, and you might get mortared while you’re growing a tail.
Still beats crapping into an MRE bag, taping it shut, and putting it in your cargo pocket while in a hide site.
We salute your service
Bravest thing I ever did in Iraq was deal with bathroom stuff. IEDs were easier to stomach than when a fly landed on your mouth after crawling across your buddy’s turd.
I read this while eating. I think I’m done eating. Yeah I’m done eating.
I usually try to do my solids at your mom’s house
That is also where I normally do my liquids.
*swish*
1. Outside
Cousin’s ex gf used the guest bathroom at the lakehouse one summer. Well their was no TP and instead of sending an SOS text or speaking up, she wiped with the hand towels. Gmaw discovered this just as they were leaving and exclaimed “someone wiped their dirty behind with the good towels!!”. Laughed out loud at my desk typing while remembering the horror on my sweet grandmother’s face.
Poor, poor Gmaw.
I had a friend that would willingly take care of business in dive bar bathrooms. Found this out because I walked into one while he was using the stall that didn’t have a door. We’ve lost contact but if I had to guess, he’s in jail now.
Also, the bathrooms between holes on a golf course that don’t have AC are pretty rough during a Texas summer
When I brought a girl home from the bar a few weeks ago, I told her I needed to shower before we made a two piece puzzle. Nah, I just needed to go #2 really bad. The shower afterwards was just the perfect cover up.
Works great until the person asks if they can join you in the shower.
Why hello missjackson, I am for real;)
Im reading everything you write in Jeff Godblum’s voice and it’s making these comments that much better.
This is very true, especially if the bathroom has a fan that you can run as well
I pooped at two different strip clubs Saturday night (lot of booze and shitty food that day). First one the bathroom attendant raised a bottle of cologne over the top of my stalls door and sprayed it into my stall. The second one a dude walked in on me. Post grad life is sad. Still got a few lappers though.
username checks out
Your pants.
If this happens you throw in the towel (or two or three), call it a night and pray nobody finds out.
Got “2drunk2drive” on date 3 and ended up spending the night. I waited until I thought I was in the clear to do the deed but she ended up walking in immediately afterwards to brush her teeth or something. Still cringing about it.
Similar thing happened to me. Ended up dating for a while. I guess when I think about it if the situation was reversed not only would I not care, I would just never say anything about it. Shit happens, after all
Wait a minute…you guys both took post coitus dumps at 2drunk2drive’s place? How does this keep happening to her?
I read that as he got too drunk to drive so he stayed at a girls house didn’t pick up on the username
I didnt realize it was a username either ¯_(ツ)_/¯
The prairie: no where to hide. People (if there were people in North Dakota) can see you from miles away
*Old farmer grabs binoculars*
“There’s Smith’s boy taking another goddamn shit in my wheat field”
I am cackling at my desk.
This comment is everything I love about PGP
Best Place to poop: at work
yeah… there’s nothing more fun than trying to tune out the sounds of your overweight 45-year-old coworker as he breathes heavy and grunts while demolishing the toilet in the next stall.