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Planning a bachelor or bachelorette party is like a fun game of “who’s going to get pissed off at me today.” If you were graced with the honor of budgeting, coordinating, and spending plenty of your own money for a friend’s last single weekend (except come on, he or she hasn’t been single since the first time their SO told them they couldn’t go to happy hour because they wanted them to just come home and stare at the TV all night), then you have the fun task of trying to pick a place that everyone wants to go to, that will make the person getting married happy, and that will cost about $7. But don’t worry — it gets sillier! The best/worst part of that whole situation? The favors.
I’m not sure who decided that bachelorette parties needed to involve favors, but alas, every “hen night” is now filled with more gifts, knickknacks, and useless shit than a 6-year-old birthday party. While some are somewhat mediocre, like a bottle opener or a hat that isn’t adorned with something painfully basic, most of them are pretty horrifying. Here are the worst six things we spend money on, because when it comes to bachelorette parties, if you don’t go into crippling debt (like you weren’t already in crippling debt), then you probably don’t love your bestie enough. Sad!
6. Tacky AF Shirts
Whoever decided that a group of 20-to-30-something females needed to wear matching shirts for a weekend out of town was a sadist. Maybe it was PTSD from our sorority days, or maybe the thought of having to plan an outfit in a haze of rosé and semi-hatred for the bride-to-be was too much. Whatever it was, shelling out anywhere from $15-$40 on some atrocious shirt with a pineapple on it that says “Aloha Beaches” is just a sad reminder that despite how slutty you were in college, you’re not the one walking down the aisle to your on-again-off-again boyfriend.
The Plus Side: You’ll have a shirt you can wear on laundry day when you stay in and rewatch Gilmore Girls for the fourth time.
5. Glitter Gold Flash Tats
Flash tattoos were a dumb idea in college, but you wore them because you were also dumb in college and you thought dousing yourself in glitter would make boys like you (funny learned fact: Boys actually *hate* glitter. We were literally repelling them when we doused our Halloween costumes in pink fucking sparkles). Something just feels bad about wearing a gold tattoo on your left tit that says “If Lost Please Buy Me A Drink” or “Jenny’s Bride Tribe” when you’re 28 and would rather be hanging out in your hotel room than trying to scrub off the required tat in some dirty bar bathroom.
The Plus Side: Maybe someone will buy you a drink? Who’s to say?
4. Anything That Says “Tribe” Or “Squad.”
On that note, as an adult woman in her mid-twenties, I’m deeply offended by using “tribe” to describe a whole gaggle of drunk bitches running around pretending to be happy for their frenemy. I’m not offended because I’m like, 1/36th Native American or because my nose just screams “her ancestors absolutely lived outside.” No, I’m offended because it’s GD ridiculous. I get it. It rhymes with “bride,” which is cute. But when you’re busy worrying about your 401(k) or if you have enough wiggle room in your credit card to buy a vacuum that works, shelling out hard-earned cash on a shirt with “tribe” bedazzled across the chest makes you regret pretending to have friends in the first place.
The Plus Side: If you ever happen to be on an American Indian reservation, you’ll fit right in.
3. Matching Swimsuits
Matching swimsuits started out when some company decided to scam everyone (BTW, still waiting on my red suit, SunnyCo) and throw the word “bride” on a white one-piece and charge $50 for it. Then, suddenly, all across Pinterest, girls in matching swimsuits were cluttering the bachelorette party boards. Whether you go with “Bride” and “Squad,” “I Do Crew,” or just “I Wish I Would Have Dropped 20 lbs Before Coming To This Event,” the matching swimsuits are enough to make you cancel your nonrefundable plane ticket. Sure, this weekend wasn’t for you. But neither is matching a swimsuit with people whose last names you already forgot.
The Plus Side: You’re an almost 30-year-old with a swimsuit that says “Squad.” There is no plus side to this.
2. Penis Shaped Things
I always love the fact that bachelorette parties are filled with penis-shaped things. Odds are, if you’re getting married, you’ve been dating for quite some time. And I’d put money on the fact that things in the bedroom have cooled down considerably. Seeing a penis is nothing special for the common lady about to get hitched. In fact, pushing a semi-hard dick out of her face while she tries to watch HGTV is a daily thing for her. But no, it’s fine. Let’s decorate her entire penthouse suite with dongs, just to remind her that she said “yes” to seeing a flaccid penis every day for the rest of her life.
The Plus Side: Hey, penises are sort of funny. Even I can’t deny that.
1. Male Strippers
No, it’s not a favor, but still. There’s nothing better than paying for your friend to have some guy grind on her face, while her husband-to-be is just wishing he’d still get a blow job every now and again.
The Plus Side: It’s good practice for the rest of her life, when her soulmate throws his balls in her face in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, she’ll do that thing she did in college before he learned that she didn’t *actually* like going down on him.
But hey, at least you’ll get some Instagram pictures that you can use for the next twelve #tbts, right? .
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Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
The amount of feather crowns running around Austin on any given weekend is mind numbing.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride?
In Nashville it’s always cowboy boots and white and/or veiled cowboy hats.
Number 1 makes me feel sorry for your boyfriend
When I was bartending after college, a bachelorette party came in with a 3 foot LOAF OF BREAD shaped like a penis. They are 100% the worst people to serve at a bar.
WTF? Carbs so close to the big day?! Despicable.
Name checks out.
7) Tickets to Comedy Shows
I worked at a comedy club for 2 years and bachelorette parties ruined every show they came to. Like the shows became shouting matches 100% of the time. Take your dickhats SOMEWHERE ELSE.
I went to a Michael Che show recently and a bachelorette party all dressed up legitimately as TODDLERS IN TIARAS (not kidding) sat in the front and got absolutely DESTROYED by him. The bride left in tears within 20 minutes and the rest of the crew had to follow. One of the best things I’ve ever witnessed.
The one saving grace is if the people performing are seasoned enough the parties offer endless material. I’m sure Che was on fire that night.
He was. After unleashing a string of fire insults, the girls faces had turned from ‘in-on-the-joke’ to actual upset, and he looked at them and said “I feel like this is the FIRST time all night it’s dawned on y’all that you might actually look kinda stupid.” It was so good.
“Like, omg this guy is so fucking offensive. Can you believe he actually made a joke about abortion? Like what an asshole”
Oh, I’m sorry that you paid money to come to my show and didn’t do your research beforehand and also didn’t realize that there would be jokes and sarcasm here
Went to a comedy burlesque show that was ruined by a group of drunk bachelorettes just the other day. Not only is that an incredibly lame activity for a bachelorette party, they were complete assholes the whole time. It got better when the fat guy dressed as sexually abused adult Charlie Bucket told them to shut the fuck up (it was a weird show)
I can’t imagine being a woman. Guys just want booze, strippers, and a casino for a bachelor party. Except those gross hipsters who want to go on a nature hike or something awful.
My ideal would be booze, food, guns, golf, and a large body of water
Hits every single item on the checklist for my brother’s upcoming party in Charleston. Couldn’t be more excited
Tribe and bride don’t rhyme at all
Well certainly not with that attitude they won’t.
In lieu of saying how triggered I am by you claiming us men just “throw” our balls in someone’s face I just came here to say those “bride” and “squad” once piece swimsuits that seem to be the new trend are sexy
My future sister-in-law is planning my fiancee’s bachelorette party in Nashville. Her big idea was to get a pedal-pub. I reminded her of one family vacation where we all had to wait for her on a scenic bike ride because “hills are hard and bikes are stupid”. So I can’t wait to listen to that bitchfest once they get back.
Tickets to a Pedal Pub.
As a maid of honor who is currently planning a bachelorette party, I agree with all of this.