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May God have mercy on your ears if you go to work and forget your headphones. You’re going to hear sounds you’re unaccustomed to. Sounds that are usually drowned out by Disney songs and Pandora commercials. Some noises are unavoidable all together. Apparently it’s neither socially acceptable nor professional to wear headphones to the bathroom or your weekly staff meetings. So you hear things. Things that you can’t un-hear. Things that will literally haunt your nightmares. Things that will motivate you to contemplate terrible, unforgivable things.
1. The phone alarm
Jerry in accounts decided to set his phone alarm and then go to lunch without his phone. Although he will eventually return to turn it off 45 minutes later, this will provide you no relief. You will be hearing that annoying beeep-beepbeepbeep-beeep sequence in your head every ten minutes for the next six hours.
2. Un-muted Gchat sounds
Cindy, on the other side of your cubicle wall, loves to Gchat. Somehow she doesn’t know how to mute her computer. You can try your hand with passive aggression and attempt to out-annoy her with ping sounds, but when has passive aggression ever worked? But go ahead, fight fire with fire. How else will you stay sane?
3. The Blender Ball guy
Joe Beefcake decided to squeeze in a quick pump during lunch. Not only did he neglect to shower, but he worked his arms so hard he is incapable of mixing powder and water without the assistance of a little metal rattler—and even then, it’s five solid minutes of shaking. It’s like getting hit in the head with a maraca over and over.
4. Political Patty
You know how they say you shouldn’t talk about politics at the work? How that’s totally unprofessional? Well, apparently Patty is misinformed. Honestly, she should just run for the presidency in 2016 because she just funded social security in a 30-minute rant that you had the pleasure of overhearing.
5. Teresa Texts-a-lot
It’s Monday morning after a Sunday Funday. You thought you might feel better laying your head on your desktop. Until you hear the buzz-buzz…buzz-buzz. Jesus. Are you writing a co-authored novel? Did you just win The Voice? What do you have to talk about, and with whom, all day, every day? Do you know what silent mode is?
6. The lick lipper
This may or may not be unique to my office, but the guy in my neighboring cube is a relentless lip licker. I can’t recall him ever drinking water…in a year and a half. Come on, man. Hydrate yourself with something other than saliva. It’s got to be like the Sahara in there. Have my Dasani. It’s just filled with water fountain water, though. I’m not rich.
7. The urinal grunter
The guy is the icing on the cake. And damn it, does he make me not want to age. This poor old man is physically struggling so hard to do his business at the urinal that he grunts. He grunts as you would if you were in the process of lifting a very heavy weight. But you can’t get mad, you just feel awful. This is probably your future—standing over a company urinal, struggling to be a functioning human being. Like I said, these noises will make you contemplate terrible, unforgivable things.