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If there’s one thing that makes all of us feel like our best selves, it’s stuffing our faces with late-night fast food after a night of binge drinking like we don’t have work at 8 a.m. Even though it makes us look and feel our absolute worst, we just can’t fight the siren call of French fries and tacos after five vodka sodas. But when you go to reach for some post-drinks food, where do you make the Uber go? Here are the top (okay, my top, but whatever) drunken fast food choices, ranked from ~not to hot.~
1. Burger King
If Burger King was a person, he’d easily be the Joffrey Baratheon of the fast food world. Sure, he’s a king, but that doesn’t mean he’s doing his job right. No matter what you say, do, or order, you’re just going to get whatever it is he throws at you. When it comes to sex appeal, he’d rather mutilate your intestines and make you regret seeing him than actually fill you up. No one likes Joffrey in the bedroom. No one likes Burger King in the bedroom, or out of the bedroom, or at any point in his or her life, for that matter.
2. Taco Bell
The sexiest part of Taco Bell is the fact that you have to be college-level hammered to eat it. Other than that, it’s just about the worst mistake you can make. Anything you put in your mouth, you’ll 1000% regret the next morning. Sort of like the random guy you brought home, but at least with him, he’ll come once and be done with it. Taco Bell, on the other hand? That shit will come out of you for days.
3. Chick-fil-A
Like a catholic schoolgirl or a sleep away bible camp, there’s something forbiddingly sexy about Chick-fil-A. You know underneath its manicured exterior and wholesome promises, it’s deliciously evil. Whether it’s due to the fact that its beliefs and politics don’t align with yours, the never-ending choice of sauces, or because a milkshake has a third of your daily calories, you know something that good, has to be bad.
4. Chipotle
Just like any and all “guac is extra, so am I jokes,” Chipotle isn’t the most original place to dine. Some people won’t even consider it fast food. But when you’re 3.5 dates in and looking for a lunch you can have that will segue into obscure documentaries and some afternoon missionary, Chipotle is always the answer. It’s not exotic. It’s not different. When it all comes down to it, however, Chipotle is safe, comforting, and you know it won’t let you down. Unless of course, it decides to fuck you over and give you E. coli. But what are the odds of that happening?
5. Papa John’s
I mean, come on. Call him Papa? He’s got a John for you? The whole place is one giant innuendo. If his seductive name and decently good looks don’t do it for you, the fact that you can get a large for $8 is total street corner bargain.
6. Five Guys
Five guys, one you? Sounds like a sexually exhausting nightmare, or the newest viral video that’s sure to scar you for life. The burgers are hot, the portions of fries are huge, and the name is enough to bring back visions of girls and cups. At least with Five Guys, you might actually keep down your lunch. Nothing says romance like sharing a giant cup of brown liquid with the one you love. A milkshake, guys. I was talking about a milkshake.
7. In-N-Out
Need I say more?.
Image via In-N-Out Instagram
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Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
No Whataburger? Eating a Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit hammered drunk is essentially an out-of-body experience.
Just the thought of a hbcb is going to make me walk around the office like a gorilla for the next 10-15 minutes
Have one for me, brother.
Ive felt a little of your pain for having to move out of Texas, but just realizing you have no access to a fresh HBCB makes me salute you for your bravery. If you ever need a shipment of the good shit, let me know brother.
I will tonight, fam.
Congrats on the new .45
Thanks, it runs pretty smooth. Put 400 through it over the weekend, definitely cured last week’s midweek crisis.
Honey Butter Chicken Biscuit… you could whisper that in my ear and I’d be turned on
I whisper this in my prayers every night for you
Honey butter chicken biscuit, sausage egg and cheese taquito, and a cinnabon thats good af for post 2am snacking….though a triple meat triple cheese with a large side of fries and spicey ketchup also hits the spot
I love regional fast food. I’ve never had it, but Whataburger sounds like the tits.
is what a booger jus fast Tex Mex or what cause y’all talk that shit up n it sound culturally significant? I ask this in a good way.
Chick-fil-a is way too low on this list.
This isnt TSM writing to the wrong audience.
Aslo half the places are closed when bars close
3/10
Cookout, yo.
List is irrelevant without Cookout
I been in fights over cookout. Big double w/ honey mustard wrap n fries son.
Why have #1 be the worst or not and #10 be the best or hot makes no sense
Give this guy and edit button.
^ This guy, too.
A.) In the future, it’s customary to count down to #1 when creating a rankings article.
B.) Only 3 of those 7 are open when last call comes around.
C.) You made zero mention of Jack in the Box, Taco Cabana, or McDonalds. These 3 companies INVENTED selling delicious fast food directly to drunk and high consumers in the middle of the night while upholding their social contract to both serve you and not report you to the authorities no matter how much you shouldn’t be driving when you roll up to the drive-thru. Even if you don’t like their food, you have to give them a shout out for creating the concept.
http://theconcourse.deadspin.com/reasons-to-rank-things-best-to-worst-ranked-1703924791
Chick-fil-a, Five guys, and Chipotle aren’t open late, making them only viable options if you’re day drunk (on a Saturday, if you want chick-fil-a ).
There’s a five guys open til 4am in Chicago and it’s amazing
or a alcoholic on a Thursday. last comment. sorry. dawg is lonely.
This list just reminds me how I’ve become that person who forgets to eat when I’m drinking/drunk. I don’t know why I’ve become this person. I used to be the person trying to walk through the drive-thru line at Jack In the Crack in San Marcos at 2am for tacos and curly fries.
I’m the same way, or I’ll order $20 worth of food. There is no in between.
been there
In-N-Out is overrated. @ me
Whataburger > In-N-Out
I will murder you where you stand
I swear people who say this are only doing it to be coooooool
In-N-Out is so polarizing it’s insane. I personally love it but I have good friends who want to murder me for suggesting I like it better than 5 Guys
Definitely better than 5 Guys… Just not Whataburger.
8. Portillos
Though delicious, it’s not late night drunk food.
Neither is In-N-Out. They close at 130.
As many people have said, most of this list doesn’t even qualify. I’m sure there’s a late night Chipolte somewhere. But I’ve never seen one.