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I don’t know if you can tell by my stupid bio picture down below, but I’m not what most people would call “the ideal male body type.” Call it husky, hefty, big framed, schlubby, whatever euphemism suits you best, it’s all code for the same thing: fat guy. Am I trying to get in shape? Eh, not at the current moment. I’m in that range where I’m definitely not in shape, but my weight comes in third in terms of “things trying to kill me,” behind nicotine and alcohol intake. So, it’s not exactly first thing on the list of behaviors to fix. The point is, not only am I entirely self-aware of my body type and how my personality is influenced by it, I’m also acutely tuned into how being a fat guy manifests itself in other people. In fact, if there’s one category of people I know best, it’s this one.
1. The “Always Trying To Lose Weight” Fat Guy
This poor guy. He has the worst of both worlds. He’s overweight, but isn’t reaping any of the rewards of being fat. See, if you’re gonna be fat, at least do it right. Eat pizza with ridiculous toppings, throw whatever the fuck you want into your mac and cheese, and spend entire weekends only leaving your couch for bathroom breaks. The problem with the guy who’s always fat, but always dieting is that he eats shitty food, but just a lot of it. See, low fat cheese is great, but it’s still fucking cheese. It tastes awful, but if you eat enough of it, you’re still gonna get constipated and also not lose any weight at all. That goes for everything. As much as people who pretend to understand a lot about food science want to tell you that “what” you eat is more important than “how much” you eat, the king of weight loss/gain is, and always will be, calories in/calories out. Someone really needs to sit all these guys down and tell them that they really need to shit or get off the pot. Either eat a moderate amount of really shitty food, and stay where you are, or actually monitor your intake and lift heavy things. Light jogging and flirting with exercise machines is not a real workout. It’s just not. Either put a metal bar in your hands, or admit that you’re not really serious about getting in shape.
2. The “Self-Aware, Lazy Piece Of Shit” Fat Guy
This is the guy the terrible dieter should be trying to be if he’s gonna actually stay fat. Say what you will about his lifestyle choice, at least it’s an ethos. This guy has weighed all of the pros and cons of moderate obesity, and decided that a shortened lifespan and fewer romantic prospects are worth their literal weight in pizza rolls and mayonnaise. Some people hate this guy, but I have real respect for him. As long as he’s not an asshole about women not being attracted to him, demanding any special treatment, or blaming his problems on a nonexistent thyroid problem, this guy’s cool in my book. Look, some people enjoy video games more than the prospect of having sex with the hottest tier of women in the world. Video games are certainly cheaper, and require much less effort.
3. The “Surprisingly Athletic” Fat Guy
Everyone please take a moment of silence for the dearly missed King of Athletic Fat Guys, Chris Farley. The dude was insane. Cartwheels, running around everywhere, breaking through shit, the man was a 300-pound ball of pure kinetic energy. There are lots of guys just like him, I mean seriously, check out this fucking hero. This guy is one of the most fun dudes to be around ever. He’s also a pickup basketball secret weapon. Bring him to the outdoor courts sometime and see what happens. The dudes running the concrete slab will immediately put their worst, slowest defender on him, and by the time they find out he has a shockingly quick crossover, and deadly outside shot, you’re up by 10, and well on your way to running this town tonight.
4. The “Used To Be In Shape And Doesn’t Know He Isn’t Anymore” Fat Guy
It’s so sad to see former high school athletes go to seed. Not only are they a massive shell of their former selves, but most of them are totally unaware of it. See, if you grew up with the knowledge that you were one of the best looking dudes around, and every cheerleader wanted to drag you under the bleachers, you rarely lose that mindset. So you now have all these twenty something dudes who played high school, and sometimes college level sports who eat like they still work out twice a day just douchin’ the place up. They have the confidence of a stereotypical ‘80s coming of age movie bully, with the body of the chubby best friend from those same movies. It’s often a comical sight, yet also quite sad, and usually annoying.
5. The “Charismatic, Sometimes People Forget That He’s A Fat Guy” Fat Guy
Every group seems to have one of these guys. He’s usually more overweight than he is obese. He’s always been a hefty dude, and his frame carries the weight pretty well. So more often than not, a lot of people sorta forget that he’s a fat guy after a bit. These are the guys that tend to have the girlfriends that make you say “wait, how?!” They lead fun, active lifestyles, but they also happen to drink a lot of beer and eat whatever food they really feel like. They’re always the life of the group, too. You know when someone’s feeling shitty, and someone always suggests that everyone go out to give them a bit of a pick-me-up? It’s always the happy big guy. In fact, it’s probably a societal necessity that this guy always seems to be on the heavy side, because if he had a Renaissance-sculpted torso to go with his surprisingly well-shaped calves, the amount of trim he would be scooping in on an hourly basis would completely decimate the natural balance of romantic activity in the country.
Also, if you think I’m pitching myself as the charismatic fat guy, you’re wrong. That guy always has a constant state of five o’clock shadow, and a strong chin. My jawline is in a constant state of taking the day off, and 43% of high school freshmen can grow more facial hair than I can.