The 4 Most Depressing People in Your Office

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It’s pretty easy for us to complain about our not-so-ideal job setups. If your office is anything like mine, you’re surrounded by four undecorated gray walls with an overhead florescent light. You’ve probably eaten at Chipotle at least twice this week. You might have to drink wine straight from the bottle because wine glasses are outside your budget. But no matter how bad we have it, these four poor souls have it far worse.

1. The Guy With The 90-Mile Commute

No, seriously. 90 miles. Both ways. In L.A. traffic. This guy leaves his house at 5:30 a.m. just to make it in to work on time. Then, he gets home after his family has already finished eating dinner. I’m pretty sure that’s going to lead directly to some serious daddy-issues. One time, during an HR team building exercise, this guy told me he has no hobbies. Not one thing this guy enjoys in his spare time because he has no spare time. He hasn’t seen Monday Night Football since Joe Montana’s rookie year. I pray this guy has a seriously amazing house and even better weekends because this job isn’t even worth my 5-mile commute.

2. The Guy Who Has Two Babies

This guy got his wife knocked up twice in the last 18 months. There’s a fine line between idiocy and just plain, old bad luck. He rolls in the office 10 minutes late everyday but stays until 7:00 p.m. He works two free hours of overtime everyday because his home life is literally worse than his work life. Think about that. The single best part of his day is his commute. Imagine how miserable you are in your cubicle and think about leaving that cubicle at the end of the day and coming home to a worse situation. In a few years, he’ll have a beautiful family, but for now, he’s caught in a personal hell splitting attention between two living things that cannot care for themselves. Cleaning up throw up, constant screaming and a year and a half without a decent night’s sleep. Jesus, man.

3. The Parent With The Asshole Kid

This mother-of-five is batting a cool .800 when it comes to raising kids. Who knew one strikeout would lead to this much terror? Her third child is in the principal’s office twice a week, which means she’s leaving early every Tuesday and Thursday to promise these teachers that she’s a better mother than this. She’s constantly in a state of seeking approval for her good motherly skills, but one bad apple did indeed ruin the bunch. She’s a hard worker and should’ve been promoted three years ago but all of that time out of the office is really hindering her career.

4. The Scholar Athlete

This dude might just be the most depressing person not just in your office, but in your entire personal and professional network. He went to Princeton, was a two-year starter on the basketball team, partied a little, but graduated with academic honors. He should be a VP of R&D at Google or Captain America right now, but for some reason back in ’98 this was the best job he could land. Maybe he tanks in job interviews? We’ve all been there. Maybe he forgot to write a resume? Honest mistake. Whatever it was, he’s way overqualified for this job. In fact, he’s overqualified for his boss’s job. There’s even a strong argument to be heard that he’s even overqualified to own the company. Which, ironically, is why he’s never been promoted. Now he just sits back and proposes 14 ridiculous fantasy football trades with you all day and has given up on any hope of upward mobility. What a waste of potential. Just like Aaron Hernandez, but with less murder.

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Hey, I saw this on Post Grad Problems. Check it out.

Andy Bernard