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All right, all right, you bums gather around the pole here. No, get away from me with that tinsel, you know I find it very distracting!
We are gathered here today, the 23rd of December (don’t check your calendars) to celebrate the most glorious of unrecognized-by-the-US-government (yet) holidays. That’s right folks, it’s a Festivus for the Restivus!
As is tradition, we begin the holiday by going around the table and discussing all the people who have angered and disappointed us this past year. No one is to take a bite of the Festivus ham until all grievances have been aired, and we will conclude the festivities with the feats of strength. I assume JR Hickey and Will DeFries are both warmed up and ready? No? Well too bad! Okay, let’s get this started. Who wants to go first?
I fucking love the internet. I love it so much. It connects the world and helps the spread of information from person to person. But guys…we gotta stop having an entirely separate sense of humor for Twitter and Instagram because let me tell you, it does not translate to real-world interactions. The plays on words that only make sense when you’re reading. The fake dialogs. The Pikachu memes. These are all jokes I would love to make in casual conversation but wouldn’t make any sense or work with any reasonable adult. Why can’t we just have consistency across the board? And yeah, I realize that my lack of versatility here may make it seem like I don’t have a good sense of humor in the first place, but you can’t look me in the eye and tell me that there’s a clear gap between online funny and in-person funny isn’t drastic. Not to mention, I think it’s shitty that you can quantify Internet Funny with likes and retweets but you can’t do the same with chuckles and giggles.
My Fucking Neighbors
Look, from the times I passed them in the hall, they seemed nice. Here’s the thing, y’all the walls are so fucking thin and we’ve all lived in this building for at least 6 months. Last night, one of you dropped your phone on the floor and I heard you say to yourself, “Oh, shit,” under your breath. But that’s not what I have an issue with. I have an issue with you loudly boning at 3:00 in the morning. I have an issue with you FaceTiming your friend every fucking night before you go to bed, especially when your headboard backs up to my headboard and I can hear every word you say. And finally, it’s totally fine to get drunk and get home late. I do that all the time and I’m sure that if the roles were reversed and you were writing about me, you would have some shit to say. But for the love of GOD, stop bumping into the walls on your way back. I get drunk all the time and live at the end of the hallway. If I can make it back without running into walls, you definitely can too.
People who serve pulled pork sandwiches at their wedding.
Half of the weddings I attended in 2018 had this as the meal and I have had enough. As soon as my bf and I saw the buns sitting on the buffet table, the eye rolling began. Your wedding is not a barbecue or a graduation party and I don’t want to be eating a messy, sloppy sandwich that ruins my makeup while wearing a nice dress I could spill on. Maybe (hopefully?) this is a Midwest thing, but it’s time to retire this habit for classier alternatives. Do you know how many other options of food exist in the world? The possibilities are literally endless. Pick something that showcases you and your new partner because I know you aren’t as boring as this item that 4 of your friends also decided to slap onto people’s plates as a celebration of their love. I will rampage if I go to another wedding next year and see this on the menu. Be better than pulled pork sandwiches in 2019.
Outrageous ticketing fees.
As someone who attends lots of concerts and shows, this one constantly rubs me the wrong way. I’m already paying ass tons of cash to see these live events and then the websites have the audacity to add on mass amounts of extra ticketing fees once you’re ready to check out. I. Am. Over. It.
Drivers who slow down to look at car accidents.
I can’t tell you how often I get road rage due to other vehicles deciding to waste my life by creeping by the fender benders they pass every morning. Are these cars involved in the actual wreck? Of course not. Are they even driving on the same side of the interstate as where the accident occurred? Nope. Why are you slowing down my morning commute because you want to gawk at stuff on the freaking other side of the road?! Go the speed limit, keep traffic moving so we can all get to work on time, and read about it in the news later like everyone else.
OpenTable showing no available openings at the time you want thus forcing you to call only to find out the restaurant actually has available reservations.
It’s stupid and a hassle and everyone knows no one likes talking on the phone anymore. End of story.
I know I went in on you guys recently, but my God you just had to tweet something else insane.
— PETA (@peta) December 18, 2018
How the fuck are you guys blowing this? Your job is literally to advocate to not be cruel to animals, something 100% of people would agree is a good thing. Yet you have to come out with shit about how we can’t hurt animals feelings and veganism will get you laid harder than having rich parents who are never in town. Here’s some free advice for 2019, have your social media director do nothing but tweet pictures of cute animals all day with the caption “doesn’t this guy/girl deserve a good life?” I promise you, the donations will come flowing in. Also, please stop trying to make it seem like tofu is a viable substitute to meat, it tastes like styrofoam crammed up someone’s asshole. Try eating some meat every now and then. Clearly, the lack of protein is hurting your cognitive abilities.
The Floss Dance
In 10 years you will all be facepalming that you engaged in a dance so dumb. This will be this generation’s Macarena, except you won’t be able to do it ironically at weddings for years afterward. If you’re able to do this dance, you’re a loser. If you practiced this dance to get good at it, you’re a massive loser. If you watched a Youtube video to learn how to do this, you’re a colossal loser. And if you went on a nationally televised program and either taught or were taught how to do this dance (looking at you Ellen) I expect a public apology on or above the level of a celebrity who once sent a racist or homophobic tweet. Speaking of which.
How about we stop expecting everyone to have been perfect their whole lives, acknowledge that people are flawed, and allow them to change and grow? Yes, Kyler Murray once used a homophobic slur. He was 15. Most 15-year-old dudes are nut-tapping each other and some of them mature enough to make it onto the Supreme Court. Stop criticizing someone for something they did one time years ago or off-handed. Look at their pattern of behavior, listen to them if they apologize, let them change. And if you call for someone to be fired because they’ve said or done something to offend you, please spend that time and energy to instead improve your own miserable life #BringBackJamesGunnforGuardians3.
Hey, remember when he went to that Japanese suicide garden and made fun of the dead bodies he found? Yeah, fuck that guy.
The Kushner Family
Relax, this isn’t political. I’m pissed not only because Jared Kushner married Ivanka Trump (who is both rich and a bonafide smoke show), but his brother Joshua Kushner married fucking Karlie Kloss this year! How the fuck did these two pasty, soft-ass motherfuckers manage to pull down basically an American heiress and an actual Victoria’s Secret model? It honestly wouldn’t surprise me to learn the Kushner family is full of mutants who can control people’s thoughts, but it’s more likely because of the fact that they are the sons of a real-estate tycoon slash tax-dodging criminal. Forget the housing crash, these two should be the poster boys for what’s wrong with the corporate ruling class in this country. .
Image via YouTube