It seems miraculous, doesn’t it? The New Year’s resolution gym rush is dying down and you can finally find a freaking parking spot at the gym. Unfortunately, you cannot breathe a sigh of relief just yet. Spring is right around the corner, and in less than a month, people ranging from 18 to 55 will make the pilgrimage to the Mecca of Muscle Milk addicts and silicone-enhanced trophy wives. I, for one, am not looking forward to having to out-testosterone some muscle head to use the bench press or watch women pretend to be polite about who gets to use the only open elliptical first. The gym is a prison of bizarreness and irrationality, and you’d think someone would have already come up with a common courtesy-based 10 commandments of gym etiquette. Well, I did, and they need to post this on the door of every gym in America.
1. Thou shalt dress like you belong in public.
I swear one time I saw an Andre the Giant lookalike wearing a sleeveless, see-through, black mosquito net shirt with what looked like black cheerleading shorts. This is a gym, not an S&M bondage party. Get some normal workout clothes. This also goes for accessories. Thou shalt not work out indoors with sunglasses. You look like a douchebag. The same goes for hats, sweatbands, and bandanas.
2. Thou shalt take turns like they taught us all the way back in elementary school.
If the gym is especially crowded, don’t be a dickhead. When you finish a set, let someone work in a set while you rest. I’m sure you’re there often enough to have developed an emotional attachment to a certain squat rack, but working out on that squat rack is like purchasing a prostitute–you’re not the only one with permission to use it.
3. Thou shalt not try to make eye contact with every woman in the gym.
Yes, I know women’s workout clothes usually look damn good on them, so why are you trying to make eye contact with them? That’s fucking creepy. Just subtly check out her goods like you’re supposed to and get back to your workout, pervert.
4. Thou shalt always re-rack your weights when finished with an exercise.
Good for you if you can bench 400 pounds, but that doesn’t mean others should have to waste a full five minutes putting away your extra plates.
5. Thou shalt take a pre-workout poop.
That should be self explanatory.
6. Thou shalt wipe all leftover perspiration from the equipment after you use it.
I have no interest in marinating in your disgusting body juices while I work out. I saw your pit stains, lady. That shit needs a hazmat designation from the EPA or OSHA.
7. Thou shalt wear deodorant.
The last thing I need is to pass out from your stench while holding 100 pounds over my head. There are three levels of gym odor: neutral, body odor, and Chewbacca, and even Chewbacca would think you smell like shit.
8. Thou shalt not lift obnoxiously.
No one here thinks you’re a badass for shouting out your repetition count or grunting like you’re squeezing out a concrete turd. We just think you’re an asshole.
9. Thou shalt maintain some level of common decency in the locker rooms.
I understand if you have to change into fresh clothes after your workout, but for goodness’ sake don’t take forever. No one wants to look at your wang. “Locker room guy” or not, put your meat away. You’re not the statue of David, put on your fucking clothes.
10. Thou shalt actually work out.
You’re paying a few hundred bucks a year for your membership. Use it. Stop hanging out by the juice bar.