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It’s about that time of year when I reflect on my life and realize that, as much as I bitch and moan, I’ve got a pretty good thing going on. In the past year, I got the job I’ve been dreaming about since high school, watched my beloved Patriots mount the comeback of the century, and took a ten-day vacation to the Dominican Republic. So, within the spirit of the holiday, I’m going to stop whining for a few minutes and give thanks to the following blessings in my life.
My unlimited data plan.
This is by far the most valuable thing in my family’s possession. I’m thankful that my dad had the foresight to put us all on this plan back in 2009 has since spent countless hours of his life explaining to sales reps that we are grandfathered in every time we upgrade phones. Yes, AT&T does it’s best to trick us into settling for a fixed-data plan every year, and yes they send me infuriatingly illogical alerts telling me I’ve used “75% of my unlimited data,” but as someone who runs through 7 MBs a month, this is a godsend. I fully intend for my great-great-great-grandchildren to be the last remaining people on earth to have this unlimited package.
Silent Uber drivers.
I know a lot of people get into the Uber game to have conversations with their passengers, and I’m sure there are many people who love getting to know their drivers, but I am not one of them. All I want to do is get from point A (a bar) to point B (McDonald’s drive-through) without having the exact same conversation I do with every driver. I don’t care where you’re from, I don’t care how long you’ve been driving, and I definitely don’t care to talk weather/sports/politics with you. To the few drivers that recognize how drunk I am and let me chill in the backseat, watching people’s snap stories in peace, thank you. I love you.
My credit card company.
I’m thankful for you letting me live well beyond my means for the past year, and I’m even more thankful that when I neared my limit back in May, you gave me an extra $10,000 credit without batting an eye. In return, I will continue paying off the minimum amount necessary to not get fined.
My tax-evading landlord.
Thank you, Ed. Sure, you request our rent money in cash, for a building that you may or may not legally own. Yes, the bathroom light hasn’t worked for almost eight months and we’re fighting an ongoing battle with a squirrel that’s living in our walls. Is the whole apartment slanted? Of course. But I’ll happily accept those flaws for being able to live in Lakeview, less than a hundred feet from the train station, for six hundred bucks a month. Find me a better deal in Chicago; I don’t believe it exists.
The founders of Twitter.
Thank you for creating such an awful, beautiful, horrible, amazing site. A place where everyone’s an expert, and more accurately, everyone’s an idiot. Thank you for allowing me to share the dumbest ideas I have to thousands of people without a second thought. And most of all, thank you for allowing me to go viral for this unnecessarily sensual Game of Thrones finale prediction.
Grandex.
That’s right. I’m thanking my bosses in a column published by my bosses. Is my nose brown? Yes, but I stand by it. Not only do they publish my dumb columns about my disaster of a life on their dope website for everyone to read, they actually pay me to write them. When I have to debate between bringing my lunch from home or taking down a personal pizza at work, I can choose pizza, secure in the knowledge that a column about My Buddy Not Knowing How To Wipe His Ass paid for those pineapple-topped slices (fight me, haters).
The commenters.
Yeah, I’m thankful for you guys. Sure, some of you can’t spell to save your lives and do nothing but complain about the column you just chose to spend five minutes reading, but for the most part, y’all rock. You give me positive feedback, track my life in almost disturbing fashion, and know things about me my own mother (thankfully) doesn’t. Keep up the good work.
My idiot friends.
From the people I grew up with in high school, to the guys I pledged with, to my crew in Chicago, I know how lucky I am to have found all you idiots. You help me up when I’m down (because I broke up with “the love of my life” at 18 years old), you put up with my drunken antics (convincing the cops to uncuff me on multiple occasions), and you still invite me to hang out despite me consistently making you take shots of well tequila at 2 a.m. Thank you for closing out my bar tabs for me when I Irish exit and for lying to bouncers by telling them “he’s not that drunk.”
My girlfriend.
I’m not going to get too sappy here, but you’re pretty dope. I’m thankful for you putting up with me constantly shit talking your sports teams, always watching ahead on Netflix shows, and responding to your nudes with a gif of myself winking. Thank you for not realizing you’re way out of my league despite all the supporting evidence. I’m still never going apple picking with you.
My parents.
I don’t even know where to start. I’m thankful for my parents for giving me great advice on relationships, finances, and how to stay out of jail. I’m thankful they had the balls to pick up their lives and move to the greatest country in the world, and the tenacity to work their asses off so you could raise me in a life of luxury I definitely take for granted. I could not be more thankful that they put me through college on their dime, allowing me to enjoy the college experience I always wanted, and I’m thankful for their constant support in my decisions throughout my life.
Shit, sorry about that. This was supposed to be a funny column about dumb shit I’m thankful for and ended up getting a little too real. Don’t worry, my next column will feature all the depravity and crude humor you all know and love. Happy Thanksgiving. Go call your mothers. .
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Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
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I endorse and support all of these, especially the thanks given to our wonderful overlords–er bosses at Grandex.
Silent Uber drivers are the absolute best. I had to take an hour and a half Uber ride to the airport last week. The only words that were spoken the entire ride were “have a safe flight, man”. Would give him 10 stars if I could.
I took one to the airport last week. The guy would not stop asking me questions. Dude, it’s 4:30 in the morning and I woke up 20 minutes ago. Please, no small talk.
I had a really chatty guy the other day (on ride to work nonetheless) and during the last couple minutes of the ride he not only gave me a detailed checklist to review items I might have left in the car’s backseat but also explained how successful the system is to prevent lost items. It’s not a fucking airplane, Uber/Lyft drivers!
Unnecessarily sensual or not, there’s no way that GoT ending isn’t 100% correct.
Your GOT theory isn’t one of the worst I’ve seen. The worst one to the Tyrion is a time traveling fetus theory.
I audibly laughed when you said you go through 7MB (GB*?) a month. I’m at a light 30GB this month. Shout out to Verizon for bringing back that unlimited plan.
As the Senior Product Manager of the comment section, Thank you for your columns, Nick. I appreciate you and the others who provide me with a canvas for me to absolutely ca-ca all over and become famous for writing incoherent shit without being published lol
I like to imagine your camera roll is filled with outtakes from the article image, and not that you found it offline after a quick search.
Shout out to the founders of twitter.
Silent Uber drivers are only a good thing if they at least have music on. Otherwise, it’s just awkward.