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I’m pretty tough. During the holidays I can generally handle the abundance of unsolicited advice that oozes up like noxious gas from the pores of my Irish family members, their pale skin slick with dust-bowl era words of wisdom and antiquated advice. This holiday season, however, aside from my outfit choices, my friends, family, family friends, pediatrician, and Instagram feed all seem to want to comment on one thing: my single-hood.
I can’t take it anymore. Not only do they call attention to my lack of significant other, blood relatives and strangers alike all seem to have the same advice – When you stop looking, you will meet someone – and honestly, it’s very insulting.
So, this holiday season, I’m finally calling bullshit. I’m telling the truth about this off-hand advice people throw around like doctors diagnosing adult onset ADD. While it may not be popular, for the sake of all my single hustlers out there, I need to set the record straight.
I can’t tell you how many times, whilst observing my lack of significant other, people in relationships will lean in, compassionately touch my arm, and whisper eagerly over a glass of red wine some version of the following.
“The minute you stop looking, someone will appear! Just focus on yourself!” they coax, as if I’m a newborn first learning to chew my food.
“The minute I gave up on dating and finally got over XYZ, I ran straight into Kevin in the grocery store! Not kidding, I literally bumped into him! I spilled grapes everywhere! Isn’t that amazing?!” they’ll giggle, as if there is an unlimited supply of Kevin’s loitering around the produce aisle just waiting to be bumped into. Only, of course, if you have “stopped trying”!
I think what has caught me particularly off guard, though, isn’t the ridiculousness of this advice considering today’s app fueled dating landscape, but how presumptuous the whole thing is.
First, working on oneself and looking for a partner are not mutually exclusive! You can do both. You can go to the gym and go on dates, you can start meditating [read: download the meditating app] and still agree to go on blind set-ups, and you certainly can swipe left and right while maintaining a robust social life. The assumption that I am just fumbling around life, a disorganized, unfulfilled mess all because I have put “myself” on the back burner on the quest for companionship is insulting. It is just another way to single-shame someone, as if I am less-whole for putting effort into looking for a lover. That’s right. I said lover.
Working on myself does not negate my ability to seek a boyfriend, nor does seeking a boyfriend negate my ability to take care of myself. I’m a mess for a lot of reasons, none of which are a product of my unwavering determination to actively date.
I don’t think people realize how unsettling it is to be told, time and time again, that only when I fall to my knees at the alter of St. Valentine and stop actively dating, the perfect man will tumble from the heaven’s adorned with a sparkly bow and perfectly chiseled abs. I’ve given up the dating game in the past. I’ve thrown my hands in the air in dramatized exasperation and thrown in the metaphorical towel. I’ve gone months without actively pursuing a significant other, filling my time with yoga and “working on my screenplay,” and the only thing that has come out of it is a semi-permanent impression of the Hulu remote on my cheek and a sheen layer of Doritos dust on my upper lip.
Sure, these love stories are real. The “we were both buying basil at the organic farmers market!” meet-cutes do exist, but when we insinuate that they are better, more fulfilling, or only likely to happen when you have given up the game, we are disregarding and diminishing the efforts of the people that try.
Look, love is a crap shoot. Hell, even finding a semi-permanent boyfriend to spend the winter with is a crap shoot. Sometimes you meet them in a bar and sometimes you meet them at a yard sale and sometimes, and I would say statistics are in my favor here, you meet them while you’re hustling the dating apps like a first rate gangster.
I refuse to feel badly for trying, as if I’m desperate because I give a shit and don’t spend my time sitting in bookstores hoping to god some cute poet notices me. With the ever growing prevalence of people listening to podcasts while they grocery shop and scrolling through Instagram while they wait in line for coffee, it don’t think bumping into a compatible, sexy stranger is getting any easier. So dammit, don’t tell me to tap out of a game that, these days, demands more effort than ever before.
In conclusion, I implore all of you out there, the well-intentioned advice givers, whispering over spiked cider to your single (probably slightly lonely) friends, to think twice before you tell them to “just stop trying!”
It’s not easy to put yourself out there. It’s hard work, but it’s work worth doing. And to be told the fruits of your labor, all of the nervous first dates and numbers scribbled on bar napkins, are probably for nothing, isn’t encouraging – it’s insulting.
I’m not going to stop looking, I’m not going to give up the pursuit, so I hope you’ll stop advising me to. Plus, if I stop dating, where on earth will I get all my content?
Happy holidays single squad – keep on keepin’ on. I’m here to tell you it’s worth it..
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CallMeVictoria
Life is messy, let's get dirty. itwasvictoria@gmail.com
@callmevictoria
@itwasvictoria
Preach. Nothing is worse than advice coming from people who really never “dated”. They jumped on the first thing in front of them and that’s cool, but not for everyone. Like you said, it’s hard to put yourself out there and they either don’t get it, or forget, which is even worse. Watch a friend who has been in a relationship for a few years try and strike up conversation with a group of strangers. They can’t, or they fail so miserably they will never try and tell you how to go about dating again. Honestly, by going out without different people you are in fact bettering yourself. You build confidence, you find out who you are, and what you want. Being in a relationship doesn’t make you an expert on relationships. You’re relationship is completely different from your friends, relatives, etc. CMV, you’re the advocate we need for the single life, but we don’t deserve you.
“Being in a relationship doesn’t make you an expert on relationships.” I want to tattoo this on my forehead.
You already stopped looking because you found something, didn’t you?
You would want to know.
This. I have been single for a long time, yet I give better dating advice than my friends in relationships. Observing failed relationships your entire life, like me, give you an amazing “what not to do” list to live by.
I’ve been single as long as my college friends have known me. I’m still the one they go to about relationships though, because I observe them.
This was spot on. As a new yopro (young professional) to the DFW area, I keep receiving the whole “when you stop looking, you will find her.” I’ve gone back and forth on whether to “work on myself” vs “shooting my shot”. All my close friends are in relationships but got with the first girl that came along (which is great…I guess?) It’s easy for them to pitch advice when they themselves haven’t passed the test of time (as in haven’t been single for more than a few months) . They don’t understand how you feel after seasons come and go and your foundation has grown stronger and have acquired higher self respect…yet you can’t seem to get it right with a special someone and wonder… why? I have found If you’re not giving a shit and trying on the notion that you may come off as desperate, (out of pride or whatever) there’s a dude out there that will and is trying. The stigma that “trying” means you’re desperate is compete bs. Nothing good ever came my way by sitting around and waiting on it. I’m working on myself each day. Conversely, I’m shooting my shot when it seems like the juice is worth the squeeze. A blend of both seems to be the best option for a 24 yr old trying to figure it all out in a new city.
Side note: A girl is the least of my worries though…at the moment making new friends has been far more challenging and awk.
“Juice is worth the squeeze” is a great analogy. I’ll be using that from now on.
Thank you for this! Side note, we really need a CMV mailbag.
After seeing Dillon’s, I wouldn’t wish that upon her.
sup?
“the perfect man will tumble from the heaven’s adorned with a sparkly bow and perfectly chiseled abs.”
oh, never mind.
That damn bow requirement, am I right?
Holy shit. My mind immediately went to, like, an archery ‘bow’ and thought who the hell would want one? It would scare the deer away. Damn I’m weird.
I love you.
Friends suggested this line of thinking, followed it for a year after my last breakup, met no one. Was then scolded by said friends for “not trying hard enough”. The over-opinionated battle rages on
This column is on point. After my last relationship went down in flames I kind of gave up on relationships (for the time being) and aside from a few flings, it’s not like my dream woman has fallen in to my lap, so to speak. Anyways, what I’m getting at is the “stop looking and the right one will appear” is a load of garbage and has always annoyed me.
I don’t think there’s ever a problem with looking. I think it kinda becomes an issue when you’re looking because you’re trying to find validation solely in someone else instead of feeling it yourself. Date, have fun, look for someone, but I think having enough self-confidence to admit that you’re also completely fine alone is important.
I met my last boyfriend after a realization that I was happy alone, but I hadn’t closed down the Tinder or anything. He messaged me, things progressed, and I realized I was happier with him. I had never “stopped looking.”
This is exactly what happened with me. I went years going on terrible dates and trying to put myself out there without trying too hard. It’s so hard for some people to understand being single in their late 20’s when they met their husbands in college or shortly after.
I wish I could mainline this article directly into my bloodstream.
I’ve been single for nearly 8years since freshman year of college. In all that time, I only thought to actively ‘look’ a few times. So in a total sum of let’s say 7.25yrs of NOT looking, I’ve met 0 soul mates.
Sup?
How you doin?
Last Christmas my grandparents and great aunts/uncles actually placed bets on which of the grandkids would be next to get engaged.
Having had a sibling recently get married before the holidays, this hits close to home. The questions and bets will start rolling in.
All the grandkids in my family tell the only married one to have another kid to distract them for another 2 years
My sister and I play a little game of endurance we call “Parents’ Quest for Grandchildren.” And it’s really fun to play around the holidays. It’s a race to the bottom between myself, who is an undateable loser, and her, who just doesn’t want kids.