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In case you were wondering which direction humanity is headed, the Seattle Mariners are now offering toasted grasshoppers as a stadium snack this season. That’s right, the baseball team/stadium that my childhood idol, the great Ken Griffey Jr. played for has now become the Joe Scarborough of ball teams and it can’t be more fitting in a city such as Seattle.
Gone are the innocent days of stuffing your face with a ballpark frank and then washing it down with some salty peanuts and an ice cold beer that you have to take a mortgage out for. What happened to us as a species? Is this a sign of things to come? Instead of the end of times story about a locust outbreak decimating the food supply for the population, Seattle-ites get it served to them with some tangy sauce and a smile. To be honest, what better test market is there in America besides Seattle? Only in Seattle could you find hipsters hipster enough to indulge in artisanal FEMA Camp food and pretend that this idea will actually catch on with the rest of us.
The saddest part of all of this besides having this go down in Jimi Hendrix’s birthplace is that there are people in other parts of the world who have to eat grasshoppers just to survive long enough to walk to their sulfur mining job yet you have these progressive PNW’er folk smearing hot sauce on them and calling it a high protein healthy snack option while they sit on their asses and watch a dying sport slowly develop throughout their day.
For a place that gets about 3.5 sunny days a year, you would think the marketing/food staff of the Mariners/Safeco field would have the wherewithal to choose a tastier concession item that would brighten up these people’s day. I’m no foodie, but If I were at that ball park and saw a sign for organic peanut butter covered dog shit, I’d be more apt to wait in that line after seeing overcast skies for 7 months straight but crispy grasshoppers? Now you’re just condescendingly talking down to me, Champ. After paying close to $300 to see a baseball game, the last thing I want to do is be part of Fear Factor especially when I’m not winning any money and there’s no Joe Rogan coming to kick it with me to discuss DMT trips and acid flashbacks. I know that this is all a matter of personal choice, but now some people are going to have to witness this bullshit go down. Imagine brining your kid to a ballpark and seeing some clown next to you eating a basket full of grasshoppers? I can see it now…
“Yes, son? Wait a minute, who are you?
“Why is that man eating bugs?”
“Well, son, being poor is the new rich and life is completely out of balance thanks to a small group of people with big imaginations.”
“Dad, you’re weird.”
“Yes, I’m aware of this. Thank you, no go bother your mother for the next 22 years.”
Do I really care that people are going to be eating bugs at a baseball game? No, not really, that’s their choice. But, I don’t understand the need to be Bear Grylls when normal people food is inches away.
Seattle, you’re trying too hard. Saving Silverman was a gem and now you’re ruining it with grasshopper food, Amazon RFID grocery stores, Starbucks, and the Seahawk’s throwing the ball to Malcolm Butler in the Super Bowl. I want to say that you’re better than this but right now I’m not so sure. I’m also starting to understand why Kurt Cobain did what he did. I wonder if Bill Gates is behind all of this? I mean, what else are you going to do when you’re the richest man in the world and bored with life? At least you have your wall of chewing gum; maybe a better idea will stick..
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