It’s no secret that I’m hyped for fall to get here. We’re in the final stretch. Chicago hasn’t had a day of 90+ degree weather in a few weeks, and it’s looking like we won’t for the rest of the month. You can tell it’s coming, too. Friends are wearing hoodies at every chance they get. Most people’s bank accounts are running dry from going out so often in June and July that they’re more inclined to stay home on the weekends now. Shit, stores are even starting to sell pumpkin products in preparation for the upcoming festivities.
As excited as I am for fall, I don’t want to fully jump the gun here. We still have a good month left of summer, so I think we can keep our flannels and pumpkin candles tucked away for a little bit. However, now that we’ve hit mid-August, that doesn’t mean we can’t still prepare. Clothes can be unpacked overnight, and candles can be bought. You know what can’t? Your beard.
That’s right. I come to you in mid-August telling you that it’s time to start bringing back your Fall Beard. I’m fully aware that it’s a month before the season gets here. Why so soon? Well, on a surface level, it’ll take about a month to grow in and look as thick and healthy as it can. Plus, this gives you time to get it trimmed to your liking and hit the first fall bonfire looking fresh as hell.
Of course, that’s what you tell everyone when they ask you why you look a little scruffy a week from now. There are plenty of other reasons to start letting your face get furry. Let me tell you mine.
You see, we’ve reached the point in the summer where I’ve done so much on day drinking, eating junk food in the sun, and pushing off working out that my once passable summer bod has melted into what appears to be a chewed up piece of gum. A great way to combat the double chin is to build out that beard. Get it to the point where random passerby can’t tell what’s beard and what’s puffy cheeks and you’re golden.
On top of that, I’m 1,000% a member of the party I mentioned earlier—the one full of people who can’t really go out anymore because their bank account is running dry. June and July were big for me, and I spent the first week in August capping it off with a trip to Washington and San Francisco. And so here I am, feeling washed up and used as August comes to a close, spending my weekends drinking ice water and sleeping. Sometimes I watch Black Mirror too. Honestly, there’s really not a point to me shaving right now. Might as well own the laziness and run with it.
But I think the most important reason to start growing your beard now as opposed to later is so that you can get ahead of the game. Yeah, yeah, it grows in and by the time mid-September gets here you’re looking good. But what’s even better is that it gives you an opportunity to look smugly at those idiots who put it off for so long. You stand there, feeling the wind brush through your evenly combed face fuzz, looking out at some patchy faced guy who is clearly just doing this for the trend.
I know what you’re thinking. “Wait, wait. Charlie, if you’re calling this a Fall Beard, doesn’t that mean you’re only doing it for the trend as well?” Of course, I am. The point is making it look like you’re not doing it for the trend. Never forget: there’s a difference between a Beard Guy and a Guy With A Beard, and when you start growing your beard out a month early, you’re on your way to becoming a Beard Guy.
So sure, it might still be hot outside. You may look a little out of place at your office when you walk in with more than just a little stubble, and you might feel like it’s premature. I promise you, it’s worth it. At the end of the day, you’ll look fly, and you won’t feel stressed about your face during that weird in-between phase. Plus, y’know, all the other stuff we just talked about. .