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When you look at it in retrospect, it will feel like a very brief moment in time. But for a few weeks in the middle of March, hope truly does spring eternal. Typically, the midwest is finally starting to thaw out during this period (although even I, a cynic to the core, can admit that this winter was on the milder side) and when you’re walking around on the street you can actually see the sense of relief in people’s faces.
The collective mood is positive but not in an overt way. Midwesterners don’t want to jinx a nice day by talking about it out loud, but in hushed whispers in the corners of bars that have their windows open and on websites like this one I think it’s safe to say it: spring is here. And this means one thing above any other: it’s outdoor pissing season.
Nothing in the world makes a man feel more like a man than peeing in the great outdoors. Whether it’s behind a parked vehicle in the street, in an alley being used as a shooting gallery by heroin addicts, or on the handle of your ex-girlfriends apartment door handle – peeing outside is just the best. I could jog and pee at the same damn time if I really wanted to.
Girls will never know the primordial feeling of taking a fat piss on the side of a house because they have to squat to do so. Sorry ladies, but this is an A-B conversation, and by A-B I mean penis and urine. You can C your way out. Haha, just kidding. But not really.
The depressive gray skies of January and February are in the rearview, and while there is still a looming threat of snow it just doesn’t seem as daunting as it did a month ago.
A snowfall this late in the season would be gone within 24 hours, and when the temperature is hovering in the mid-30s and it snows, it makes outdoor peeing all the better.
Write your name in warm piss in the snow. Urinate into one very small area and then make it into a slushed up, yellow snowball that you can throw at a pal. The possibilities are endless when you pair urine and an early spring dusting of snow.
Daylight Savings Time is on the horizon, which yes, means one less hour of sleep in the morning, but also means that the sun will still be out on your commute home from work. More importantly, it means that your first piss of the day when you wake up will be with the sun shining through your bathroom window (although I really hope you choose to take that business outside)!
During the dark, brutally cold winters I have to pee inside at bar urinals and stalls with no doors attached to them.
Sidenote: how about those bars with stalls that don’t have doors on them? I mean, the nerve of these bar owners. Shitting at a bar is traumatic enough, but couple it with the fact that most of the time there isn’t a door on the stall? Absolutely brutal. I get that this is to deter people from doing cocaine but still. I don’t want to be made to feel like a guy in maximum security prison while he’s doing one of the most personal things in the world.
Let me set the record straight – outdoor peeing season is reserved EXCLUSIVELY for peeing. You can’t just be going outside to take a shit. That is completely unacceptable. But pissin’? I don’t want to hear about anyone peeing in toilets this spring. The great outdoors is your toilet now, and I’m begging you to take advantage.
Outdoor patios are beginning to get swept, and tables and chairs able to withstand the elements can be seen being set up on particularly warm days. Get a squad together, order up a few pitchers, and let that piss fly. It’ll be cold again before you know it, and I’d hate for you to squander this six to eight-month long opportunity to pee outside..
Image via Unsplash
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jduda@grandex.co
I was going to say it’s allergy season but I guess this works too
Or you could piss outside 365 days of the year. Snow, rain, sun, whatever. I piss outside 90% of the time before bed off the porch.
No better way to relieve yourself than by hanging brain outside on a warm spring day.
I’m guffawing at my desk at work bc I’m thinking about someone being a proponent of “outdoor shitting season”.
Fertilizing the earth, man. Big fan. Big fan
“Hey guys, wait up. I gotta duck behind this bar and drop the kids off at the pool real quick.”
I for one love disorderly conduct charges. All in, John.
No bueno.
Not sure if it’s everywhere in the nation, but here in the Old Line State, you get thrown on a sex offender registry if caught pissing in public.
There’s a reason why my friends call me “Red Dot.”
To clarify, it’s not because I diddle kids.
Because you have herpes?
Duda, outdoor pissing season never left. It just weeded out the weak ones.
Here before “Engaging in the chase: arrested for public urination”
3 bedrooms 1 bath with 4 people. It has been pissing outdoor season for months.
Thank god for Will Brian and B-Max today.
There’s few greater joys in this world to me than taking a nice, long piss in the backyard.