Some Thoughts I Have After My Bumble Date Last Night

Some Thoughts I Have After My Bumble Date Last Night

As I sat in a conference room with my team and an HR rep for the last two hours of my day, I felt my phone buzzing off the hook. I figured that it was just my group chat going off, maybe someone dropped a hot take about the National Championship. Whatever it was, I felt it was probably a more entertaining block of text than the presentation on workplace confrontations and case studies I was currently staring at.

I snuck out of the meeting to check out what the commotion was. As it turns out, it was Stacy, my Bumble date. She was already at the bar, got us seats, and had been ordering drinks for the last hour or so.

“Okay, I just started a tab so drinks are on me tonight ;)” was the last text she sent.

I was pretty apprehensive about that. She already had a leg up on me, getting a little drunk before the initial meeting. I was leaving straight from work and wasn’t going to get a chance to tip anything back before I got to formally introduce myself. What if I came across as stiff or boring? What if I got there and she was hammered and I had to order an Uber to take her home?

As it turns out, neither of those scenarios came to light. The date went off without a hitch. Stacy was awesome, conversation flowed, and I got decently drunk without having to pay for anything. I’ll chalk that up as a W any day.

That being said, there were a few things that really stood out. Much like a quarterback watching game tape to stay sharp on the field, I took some time last night and this morning to think through the date and figure out whether or not this woman was completely normal, or if I was ignoring red flags because I haven’t been laid in… (does some mental math) you know what, that doesn’t matter. Here’s what came to light.

Holy shit, I’m bad at estimating height.

I have plenty of gaps in my knowledge, the biggest of which is my inability to guess how tall anything is. You see, I’m 5’8”. Not exactly a tall guy. Some would even argue that I’m short. Why am I bringing this up? Because, a few days ago when Stacy told me that she was 6’0”, I brushed it off. “That’s not too much taller than me, right?” was my initial thought.

Have you ever watched someone get off of a barstool and stay the exact same height? Because I hadn’t until last night. I wasn’t intimidated, I didn’t feel emasculated, none of that kind of stuff. More than anything, this really got my wheels turning. Logistically, how is this going to work? If I try to kiss you at the end of the night, will I need a step stool? Will you have to bend over? Should I try to find a small hill that we can walk to so that I can have the higher ground? So many questions.

She talked about the other guys that she’d been out with… like, a lot.

I’m not an idiot. It’s 2017, you’re attractive, and Bumble exists. I know you’ve been out with other dudes, and I don’t have a problem with that. Honestly, part of me doesn’t even think it’s a deal breaker to bring things like that up on a first date, depending on the context. For example, if we were talking about the terrible Bumble dates we’d been on, that’s a perfect time to discuss other dudes.

When you voluntarily start talking about how you flew to Vermont for a week last fall to meet up with some guy who you’d only been talking to for about two weeks and how he still texts you sometimes, it kind of gets my wheels turning.

I need to stop being pretentious about the music they’re playing at the bar.

Nobody is impressed that you know all the words to this Beck deep cut that’s on, Charlie. Unless you’re going to talk about the time you got drunk at the Arctic Monkeys concert and almost puked over the balcony, you don’t have to bring up that you have that record on vinyl.


We didn’t talk about work or school at all.

To me, the default conversation for situations where you don’t know what else to say is, “So, what do you do for work?” That conversation didn’t come up. We talked about travel, music, previous dates, family stuff, and living arrangements. I honestly don’t even think she knows what I do for my job, which I think is really cool.

I don’t think any of these are glaring red flags. Frankly, I had an amazing time. I wonder if she’d be down to get dinner on Friday. Think I’ll ask today.

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Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at or whatever.

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