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EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT! BABY BOOMER MARRIES DAUGHTER’S BEST FRIEND!
I saw the headline “I married my best friend’s dad — and now I’m her stepmom” on New York Post and I thought, “What the fuck is this shit?” I hate giving stuff like this clicks, but I couldn’t help myself. I had to see for myself the mental gymnastics involved with thinking this is in any way a good idea. Thankfully, the article didn’t let me down. There’s a lot to unpack with this entire thing, so let’s riff for a minute.
Let me paint a picture: Our friend Kern Lehman, age 52, marries his 30-year-old daughter’s 27-year-old best friend, Taylor. Let’s pull out our abacus for a second and realize that our hero Kern was 25 when his now-wife was born. But the real kicker is Taylor is now technically the step-mom to her best friend, who is older than she is. You read that correctly, Kern’s new wife was not alive when her new step-daughter (and friend) was born.
Now time for the article, which is chock-full of gold.
From New York Post:
Strangers have noticed the couple’s 25-year age difference. When they closed on their new home, the notary told Kern, “Your daughter can fill this out or sign here.”
You don’t fucking say? I was caddying for a guy a long time ago who had a really hot daughter. Sal was his name, and selling Audis was his game because he was a terrible golfer. Not as bad as his daughter, though. I didn’t talk much because they weren’t the type to chat, but when his daughter finally got the ball airborne around the 8th hole, I told him, “Wow, your daughter is starting to hit ‘em well.” I remember Sal not because he was a shitty tipper, an old man, or because he was a hole digger. I remember him because his next sentence was, “That’s my girlfriend,” and that made the remaining 10 holes — which took 3.5 more hours — pretty brutal.
Back to the lecture at hand. You kind of have to hand it to Kern. The guy is living the dream: he gets to nail his daughter’s hot (but likely crazy) friend. When Taylor is 52, Kern — if he’s still alive — will be 77. Hopefully, he will keep his J. Jonah Jameson good looks into his bed-shitting years, but time and gravity are cruel.
When it comes to the future, they’ve had to talk about the possibility of Kern dying first.
“We met with a trust and will attorney, it’s something not a lot of mid-20s women have to deal with and it’s pretty hard,” Taylor said. “But who knows what will happen. Tomorrow is never promised. I could go first tomorrow by a freak accident or anything.”
If you think Kern is the only winner, let’s unpack this quote.
If you’re playing this solely by the statistics, I think it’s fair to say Kern is checking out first.
Maybe Taylor is more of the “it’s better to burn out than to fade away” type, or maybe she’ll cast her body on his burning pyre. I think the safe money, though, is on “she doesn’t have to work or do anything.” But they do call it “gambling” and not “winning.”
They met with a TRUST AND WILL ATTORNEY.
It’s important to note here that Kern is retired at 52. Unless he’s packing a thermos and smuggling plums, she definitely married for love and not the fact that they can go take Insta pics all over on his retired man salary. It will be more likely for me that I’ll be retired closer to 77 than 52 like Taylor, but some people are blessed in this world.
I’m sure Kern knew this kind of article would be written. Lots of people, namely our current president, have married women because they are younger and pretty. And Kern, a retiree, says people shouldn’t judge their age gap.
“If it makes you happy and you click, it’s nobody’s business but yours and if people want to be judgmental, the hell with them,” he said. “Leave them in their glass house.”
That’s right, Kern. You tell those mean bullies who’s boss. After all, they say it’s not the years in your life that count; it’s the life in your years..
[via New York Post]