So, I Really Can’t Drink On Weeknights Anymore

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The Cubs are off to a great start for the first time in 6 years. When I found out my buddy had scored tickets to last night’s game, I couldn’t resist going. Of course, baseball has a tendency to get a bit dry after 4 hours, so it’s better to have a few drinks before the game. Between the Jack and Cokes and 9 dollar beers at Wrigley Field, I woke up this morning feeling like Clark Griswald after wandering aimlessly through the desert.

The unfortunate truth is that at some point, life gets the best of you and you can’t do the same fun things you used to do when you were younger. Going out and getting plastered on a Wednesday loses its charm when you have to get up at 5:30 AM on Thursday for work. The only thing I have going for me is that I take mass transit to work and don’t need to worry about getting a DUI on my morning commute. The rest of the day may be slightly less appealing, as there are a number of seemingly simple tasks that become nearly impossible with a hangover:

Reading Excel Spreadsheets

Normally, I love Excel. It’s an amazing program with almost endless capabilities. I use Excel for hours each day to review everything from conversion data to outstanding payments from our clients. When you’re completely sober, Excel is your best friend, but when you had a few too many the night before, it’s like trying to navigate through the world’s largest corn maze while blindfolded. Hopefully, my coworkers won’t smell the alcohol and walk into my office to see me tracing lines with my fingers, staring at my computer screen with sunglasses on.

Making Cold Calls

I don’t even like cold calling when I’m not hungover. If you do, you’re weird. Cold calling is an unfortunate part of being in sales. Nobody wants to be on the receiving end of a cold call, so everyone treats you like an asshole. On a good day, I’ll make around 50 outbound calls. Today, I’m shooting for 15. My boss is at Coachella, so nobody will be breathing down my neck to make sure I’m working through my Salesforce queue. I need to get a Ferris Bueller Style recording on my computer so that I can shut my door, take a nap, and pretend I’m hard at work.

Interacting with Coworkers

One of the perks of working in a relatively young office is that on a good day, at least 5 of my colleagues will be strolling in with a full blown, apocalyptic level hangover. People can read the signs, keep their heads down, and not comment on the fact that you smell like Tom Arnold after a 3 week cocaine bender. However, every office has their share of dick turds that are going to point out the fact that you were out late last night and bother you most of the morning with poorly timed hangover related material. I plan on spending as much time as possible in the bathroom this morning to avoid these people. You can find me in the floor three handicap stall, but don’t find me, please.

If you’re smart, you’ll use some of that PTO you can’t afford to use on a real vacation and take a half day. If you’re like me, you’ll put your head down and push through a painful morning at the office. Weekday hangovers are just another part of getting old, and it’s better to fake it til you make it than wallow in pain all day.

Someone just farted on the train, and I think I’m going to puke..

Image via Shutterstock

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SimpleJack

Smiling and dialing, I'm the Icky Woods of cold calls.