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When I was growing up, I always thought adults had their shit together. Compared to me, they always knew everything or knew how to figure it out. As I got older, I realized most people have absolutely no idea what the fuck they are doing and fly by the seat of their pants.
A few of you seemed to be surprised that I wasn’t some mid-30s dad, but I’m still approaching the big 3-0. As a veteran of my 20s, here are a few snippets of wisdom I’ve picked up over the years that I wish I could pass on to 24-year-old me.
Naps are essential.
Remember back in your heyday, you could go to class, stay out all night drinking, hit the gym in the morning and feel fine? The puke-and-rally wasn’t frowned upon, but encouraged. These days, you can’t really show up to the office smelling like Popov without getting a few looks or a call to HR.
On the few days a month I actually go out, I’m lucky to make it to midnight without a nap earlier in the day. Some people I know still use their college tactics, (i.e. Adderall or a little bit of nose candy) to keep the party going. I’d much rather respect the nap. Which brings me to my next point.
People (still) do a lot of drugs.
I lived in a fraternity house for two years. I’ve seen my fair share of jokers, smokers and midnight tokers. From LSD to molly, shrooms to the Devil’s Lettuce, I always thought this kind of thing that people got out of their system; the “boys will be boys” of drugs. Eventually, everyone has to grow up. Boy, was I wrong.
I remember when I was caddying, a group of gentleman that were investment bankers on Wall Street (read: millionaires) would rip bingers as a way to “handicap” their playing on what to me is big money. One guy got so stoned he had to call his wife to pick him up and then sat in a dark room, telling her, “Keep the kids away from me.”
On several occasions, I’ll be out around town and run into well-respected members of the community. Being the outgoing person I am, we strike up a conversation. Fast-talking, frenetic, why is this person so excited? After five-to-ten minutes of bullshitting, the “Hey do you wanna go do some coke in the bathroom?” comes up, of which I, uh, usually decline.
Everyone wants you to hold their kid.
I’m terrified of holding kids. Not because I necessarily hate children/don’t want to get thrown up on/get stuck cleaning a shitty diaper, but because I’m terrified of dropping the little bastard. People love to thrust their children into your face, even to complete strangers.
“Relax, Bernie. Kids are super durable. He hits his head all the time and he’s fine.”
You look like a monster if you don’t want to hold people’s kids. Even though I will carry it around with a ball security level that Terrell Suggs couldn’t dislodge, I don’t want to be the reason little Ayedin still eats crayons as a teenager.
Everyone will ask you when you’re having kids.
I brought Tank into work again today. As all the ladies were fawning over how awesome he is, one exclaimed, “I bet he’d be such a good dog for WHEN you have kids.” This happens so routinely that I don’t even bother explaining to people this probably won’t happen, and usually I just laugh and agree because “you’ll change your mind” is secondary to “when are you having kids.”
It’s amazing that the only pre-requisite to having kids is being able to put a pole in a hole. Simple as that. The problem is, while there are a host of really bad things that can happen, the only real positive about kids is that you hopefully get them through life and have them be somewhat well-adjusted.
Someone advised me to let people asking know I “can’t have kids” as a shut down but I can’t bring myself to do it in a professional setting.
People still act like they’re in high school.
Everyone knows this person. Whether in the workplace or amongst friends, there are more people than I expected who thrive on creating or facilitating drama. Ignorant me thought that most people go to work, do their job, maybe throw in a happy hour every once in a while and go home. This type of person will be the first to let you know they, “hate drama” which is basically a canary in the mines for “do not ever befriend.”
At my first job out of college, we had a staff meeting in which a woman named Patty went on a tirade for a half-hour straight. She went to a level of total war that would have made William Tecumseh Sherman tip his hat. Anything and everyone who has ever wronged her during her lengthy tenure was on the table. My boss had warned me of her when I started so getting the experience live was both entertaining and cringe-worthy. I hadn’t even worked there for 90 days but it really opened my eyes that the work world isn’t much different than anywhere else I’d been.
Swinging is a thing.
I remember sitting in my Deviant Behavior class, ironically, Pat McAfee (this is unrelated) was a fellow student. The professor broached a topic that I was previously unaware was a “thing.” “Swinging” was an activity that bored upper-middle-class white people do. I remember taking notes and laughing about this.
“Who the fuck wants someone else to rail their wife?”
Apparently, enough people that I had to write this. I know of at least a few people that operate in the swinging circle. There’s a chance some of you out there engage in this behavior. I’m not here to judge, it just seems like a strange way to go through life. As long as you aren’t hurting anyone, whatever lights your fire, man. .
Respond
Madoff
I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.
@BLMInvestment
Definitely agree with all of these points. My old job had dedicated “napping pods” which were absolutely amazing for post lunch naps. This was until two people got drunk at a work happy hour and hooked up in the pods. People lost their shit when they took them away…obviously
What’s the move if you accidentally go to a dinner party that’s a swingers party? Any good excuses to throw out? Or do you just go with it and see what happens?
The real question is how do you get invited to a dinner party that’s a swingers party?
I’m going to assume it’s my attractive wife and not my beer belly that did the trick…
Wait, so you actually got invited to one?
It’s really not a story. A lady my wife works with is a swinger (she thinks) and always invites us to dinner parties. It was more of a ridiculous comment than a story
I’d be more than willing to RSVP yes to a party, for the content, in exchange for a mousepad or man outfitters gear….
If you go to a swingers party and report back I’ll get you the mousepad.
Bring a pineapple.
This has column potential
It’s happened to me! With other 30-ish year olds! I’m assuming you and your wife are similar to my spouse and I, and aren’t interested in the swinging part… See how many unusual comments and how far you can push things to make it weird while your wife sits there like “What the literal fuck is happening”? The story you two will come out with on the back end will be one for the books. It’s now one of our party favorites… ‘The time we were propositioned by the swingers’
I got deep in a reddit thread about the immorality of having kids and that messed me up good. I have one kid and all I hear is “when are you going to have another” as if it’s some bullshit race to accumulate them instead of enjoying the time with the one you have.
There’s a swingers community at a golf course neighborhood in my town. It’s all old people basically. So basically old people are getting laid and having more fun than we are. Needless to say, I’m extremely excited to retire….also, you can spot a swinger if they have pineapple pendants or home decor and when they are turned upside down, thats when you know they’re swinging. It’s like their own illuminati symbol. Millennials should start doing this except instead of having a cryptic symbol, we just ask random people from a street corner and tell them we can’t afford rent
Is this pineapple thing for real? Mrs. Selfish bought some pineapple decoration things when we were in Hawaii and now I’m thinking that’s sending a message we don’t want to send…
Sounds like the Mrs. might not be so selfish after all
From what I’m aware of, the pineapple thing is real and is their little universal symbol. I don’t think you have to worry about anything until she starts turning them upside down
The pineapple originally was the international sign of hospitality. Swings adopted it because they are very hospitable.
Varies from place to place. I know up in the Puget Sound one of the wealthier suburbs of Seattle has white rocks at the end of their driveways/ on their door step as a symbol.
My tolerance for bullshit has completely gone down since I hit 30. It’s become much easier to cut out the negativity because it just doesn’t matter to me in the long run
Also, people still lie. Like a lot. I always thought that my dad was just a jerk because he employs the “everyone is full of shit until they prove they aren’t” philosophy to life. As I got older, I realized that my dad wasn’t a jerk, he’s just wise. I’m glad I inherited his bullshit meter.
I def can’t speak on the drugs thing but I literally just found out that people, everywhere, die, everyday and now my world has been crushed more than when I found out that Barney wasn’t a real dinosaur. Is anything real anymore? I need to retract back into the depths of Mordor to figure out if Golem was a pedophile and also figure out what I’m going to have for lunch tomorrow since I didn’t go grocery shopping tonight lol
You sure you can’t speak on the drugs thing?
I signed an NDA with Big Psychedelics
This is wild. I turn 29 in a month and am both disappointed and relieved that a “now you are an adult” switch doesn’t get automatically flipped.
I’ve always found you just kind of wake up one day and realize, “fuck, I’m an adult.” This occurred to me after realizing I was the only “adult” in a room and people expected me to be in charge.
Fun part is realizing that all the people you thought were “adults” at 30 had no f-ing clue what they were doing. No we’re putting on the same show.
You can take the person out of high school but you cannot take high school out of the person. My office operates on 1 part coffee, 1 part productivity and 2 parts gossip.
And I thought it was me that (still) did a lot of drugs.
Nothing wrong with enjoying yourself in life