Shit I Heard As A Plus-One At A Wedding Where I Knew Absolutely No One

Shit I Heard As A Plus-One At A Wedding Where I Knew Absolutely No One

There is a point in every new relationship where you finally feel comfortable enough with that former stranger to invite them to be your date to a wedding. Even if, in reality, you really just need a hot side piece to show off, a wedding is still a pretty big deal. This means meeting the friends, maybe some coworkers, and potentially even family members. Yikes. Honestly, it’s a bit intimidating no matter how long you’ve been seeing each other. But that’s what open bars are for, right?

This was my role last Saturday. I was the date of a guy I met on Tinder a month and a half ago to a black tie optional wedding. We aren’t official by any means, and the closest we have come to defining the relationship is when he drunkenly told me the night before the wedding that he didn’t want me sleeping with other people. You know, ideal circumstances in which you want to be introduced to important people in someone’s life. Pretty great for that dress I bought ages ago with nowhere to wear it to, not so great for conversation starters with strangers.

And if you thought those conversations were boring, guess again. A little awkward and a lot entertaining, here’s a healthy sample of what I got to experience.

“Nice to meet you, but you’re actually putting up with him all night?”

“Is this your wife?”

“I was in his MBA class, and spent a long time staring at the back of his head debating if he was gay.”

“Do you want to see a picture of him in high school? Before he started losing his hair.”

“Did she give you a blowjob in the car before the reception?”

“Do you want to call him your boyfriend?”

“How much do you two know about each other? I’m going to just start asking you random questions.”

“I’m the guy he roomed with in Europe. He kicked me in the back while I was sleeping as he was having sex with one of our classmates.”

“Do you know how much money he makes? Do you want me to tell you?”

“I haven’t known him forever, but you are the best thing that has ever happened to him.” (Side note: Just as an FYI, if you don’t know how long your friend has been seeing someone or what their actual status is, avoid saying this. It’s a very bold statement that assumes a lot even if it is meant to be a compliment. And it could send them running.)

“But do you know what his favorite sex position is?”

“So are you guys dating? Like seeing each other only sometimes? Occasionally? Consistently?”

“I’m adding you on Instagram. And Facebook. Let’s go take another picture in the photo booth.”

“Have your friends met him? Do you want to tell them he’s your boyfriend?”

“He needs to lock you down.”

“Come dance with me. He’s definitely the worst dancer you’ve ever met. Such white guy moves.”

“He said he doesn’t want you to sleep with other people? That means he likes you!!”

“I’m going to be a creeper in your selfie, so deal with it.”

“Are you going to jump him later?”

Wine sure does wonders to a conversation.

Now, did I have good time at the wedding? Yes, of course. But a word to the wise for those of you debating inviting that idk-what-we-are-almost-kinda-maybe significant other to any upcoming nuptials; if after reading this you aren’t convinced that your potential date can handle and respond to the above interactions (plus more considering I lucked out and missed any family member bullets) then it may be time to reconsider your choice. Not everyone will be cool with an onslaught of questioning that runs the gamut from sober to drunk with topics ranging from appropriate to not so much.

But it sure is a solid way to test your new love interest to see how and if they will fit in. Just try and remember to have a little sympathy when she recaps the night and you hear how big of idiots your friends were.

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Whatever Lola Wants

Outward appearance of being a hot mess with just enough Type A personality to not be a complete disappointment to my parents. Almost as good at avoiding commitment as I am at holding my liquor.

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