Remember The Titans Was A Football Nightmare

Remember The Titans Was A Football Nightmare

During your far too brief weekend, you’re likely to spend much of your time just browsing the channels and finding something to entertain you while you waste away on your couch. More times than not, you will settle on a sports movie. You will likely watch an underdog defeat the odds and achieve victory and it’ll make you feel good — until you really think about what you just watched.

Everyone has his or her own little pet peeves. For me, it’s sports movie inaccuracies. Now, I’m not talking about something based off a true story that isn’t the absolute truth, I’m talking about the actual sport-related actions that make zero sense and would never happen in real life.

One of the biggest offenders is everyone’s favorite inspiring football movie Remember the Titans. Yeah, I’m going at the sacred cow, because it’s on all the time. The actual authenticity of the movie has already been taken down, but I’m here to talk about all the damn football parts that are just ridiculous. As a big-time sports enthusiast and former seventh grade B-team backup quarterback, I think I know what I’m talking about.

1. The “Stretching”
After apparently not winning their first couple games like they wanted, the Titans decide, to hell with the norm! We are going to get ready for the game by singing and doing a small choreographed dance while the other team stretches. That’ll lead us to victory! No, stop, it won’t. In reality, the Titans’ season would’ve imploded due to an epidemic of ruptured hamstrings and groin pulls.

2. Coach Yoast Asking For Help During Halftime
The Titans go into halftime down 7-0 in a hard-fought state championship game, but their “genius” coaching staff is acting like they’re getting slaughtered. The halftime speech is focused on giving good effort and being proud of themselves as if they’re getting rocked, instead of “Hey guys, it’s a one-score game, easy enough.” The worst moment comes when Yoast claims he’s getting his ass kicked and could really use Boone’s help. Okay, let me stop you right there, buddy. You just gave up seven points in a half of the state championship game and you’re asking for help? That’s like a pitcher giving up one run through six innings and asking for the bullpen. Not to mention, you’re asking a guy whose offense didn’t put up a single point. That conversation should’ve been “Herman, put down your damn pride and let me take the reins. Your option offense just threw up a fucking doughnut.”

3. The Final Play
Down by more than a field goal with a lot of ground to cover, the Titans line up for the last play. The legendary head coach of the opposition has a realization: “They’re going deep, cover deep!” Oh, no shit? Should’ve clicked on Ask Madden a little sooner. But no, the genius Titans run a wide receiver reverse with the quarterback laying out one defender after another for a touchdown. Yeah, that’s all fine and dandy, but at some point, the six guys playing thirty yards back would’ve swarmed the ball-carrier running in a straight line being blocked by one guy.

4. Mentally Weak Petey
One of the Titans’ more volatile players is Turk from Scrubs. Originally “the running back, y’all,” Petey rightfully loses his job for being a horrendous blocker and a whiner to boot. He is then, like many good athletes, given a second chance to play defense because Ryan f’ing Gosling can’t keep up with the other white kids until, of course, Petey again shows a poor attitude and quits on his team, again. Forced to sit out the championship game, he is allowed back onto the field because good guy Ryan lets him, and it’s a feel-good moment. Except it’s not. No way should he have been given another chance. The guy quit on his team twice — you’d think in real life, hardass Coach Boone would’ve had him in sweats handing out water bottles.

Remember the Titans isn’t the only offender, but good Lord, its inaccuracies get me every time. That being said, I’ll still watch it every time it’s on.

Image via YouTube

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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