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The Capital R Roommate and I just moved into a new place together. Being around someone everyday as they see you in your best and your worst moments is the true test of a relationship. It allows her the chance to see you for who you truly are. And who I actually am is laziness incarnate.
Speaking on behalf of all men, I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to just do nothing. Women as a sex aren’t capable of doing nothing. Therein lies the problem with a co-living situation. I’ve come up with a few helpful shortcuts to keep your relationship strong without actually putting forth much effort. I call them relationship “layups.” Dead man walking!
Don’t be the “flower guy.” Be the “very random few times a year flower guy.”
A lot of guys’ go-to move early in a relationship is to buy flowers. Well I’m in year three of birthdays, V-Days and anniversaries, so flowers are played out. But that doesn’t mean she doesn’t still want them. Pick one random weekday every three months to just buy her flowers. Whatever she was probably mad at you about will give way to confusion as she wonders, “What the hell did I do to deserve these?”
Absolutely nothing. You just pulled off the relationship LAYUP, and you executed it to perfection.
Now we can skip that dumb hike idea AND I get to pick the movie we’re seeing. Also, go Bears.
Do seemingly random, pre-planned gestures that she won’t notice for a few days to “surprise her”
We may be lazy, but we’re not idiots. After awhile you become familiar with the stupid things your girl gets excited about. So if you notice something you could do to score brownie points a few days down the road, take advantage.
Here’s an example. Recently I was going through some stuff I wanted to throw away. I came across a photo booth picture from one of the five hundred weddings we went to last summer. Normally this would go straight in the trash. But I remembered: she’s a woman. She loves photographic reminders of things that happened in real life around her. I was pumped because I knew what this meant. It meant that I had a clear path to the hoop for an uncontested LAYUP.
So I found a piece of tape and put it up on our bathroom mirror. Then I waited. When I heard her squeals of delight when she discovered it a day or two later, I knew that I had successfully come across as thoughtful, in touch with my emotions, and nostalgic. Probably saved me $150 on dinner and all I had to do was tape some garbage to the mirror.
Hey JR, what kind of poor idiot doesn’t own a medicine cabinet?
Take note. Like, actual notes.
One of the things I rely on as a stand up comedian is the Notes app on my iPhone. It’s where I jot down ideas for bits that pop into my head and review them later. It’s also where I write down a good amount about her.
Not her favorite food, the name of her cousins, or her bra size. Actually, maybe her bra size. I write down the random things that I’ll hear her mention offhand that she soon forgets.
Listen, if your girl wants a puppy, she’ll let you know she wants a fucking puppy. However, if she casually mentions to a third party that she wants something small, whip out that phone and write it down. That’s literally a coast-to-coast LAYUP.
For example, the Capital R is a Chargers fan (don’t hold it against her). When the team rolled out their baby blue alternative uniforms last season she said out loud at the bar, “Cool, I want one of those!” Knowing her favorite player was Philip Rivers (you CAN hold that against her) I made a note of it in my phone.
Guess what I had waiting in my sock drawer the next time I was in the doghouse? This bad boy:
I tossed it to her but it got intercepted.
So there you have it. A handful of ways to make her happier and your life easier. Sure, all three of these could be misconstrued as manipulations instead of loving gestures. When you’re facing a long term or potential lifelong relationship, what’s the difference?.
Image via Unsplash
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
Getting into a fight and throwing her a brand new jersey of her favorite team, player combo is a PGPowermove.
Here Before I saw the check which was of $9733 , I didn’t believe that…my… mother in law woz like realey bringing in money part time at their laptop.. there great aunt haz done this 4 only 22 months and resently paid for the morgage on there condo and got a great new Mercedes-Benz S-class…
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A really good method to not have to think about layups anymore (or relationships) ever again is to write notes about everything about her but using the words from newspaper clippings and gluing them to the wall as light from a projector illuminates the note section with a photo of her as all the lights are off in the room and the shades are messily closed shut as Pink Floyd’s Wish You Were Here album plays in the background.
PGP needs to cut staff by 50% and solely rely on you.
I like your style kid.
Actual physical notes are uncontested lay-ups as well. Stick a “have a great day : )” note in her purse before work and you can probably watch a full sporting event without any walks, intermission Netflix, or cuddling.
100% true. Most underrated relationship habit
Life is all about the layups. With an occasional three.
I’d like to read about “relationship threes” as well. Things that could make you the best boyfriend ever or have you looking for a new place.
Live by the three, die by the three
I’ll give it a whirl
Back in college I earned a letter as the team videographer for the cheerleading squad. As an alumni member of the school letterwinners club, I received free tickets and an invite to walk on the field for a halftime ceremony at a non conference game last season.
Having never met her parents yet, I used this opportunity to invite them to brunch and the game and witness me walking on the field and waving to the crowd, no different than the actual former Big Ten athletes who I was with.
Total Relationship Three.
After I nail a string of “relationships threes”
I just had flowers delivered to the lady while I was out of town last week. What I didn’t tell her was that Amex was offering a statement credit for shopping at Bouqs and that I used a 20% coupon on top of that.
Get flowers for her while you grocery shop. They’re like $10, you’re there already, and if you do it like 1x a month it’s still special. It’s like an uncontested layup while the other team though the whistle blew.
But if you forget those flowers one month all hell will break loose. You can’t win.
Awesome article (from a female perspective). I’d seriously love to see an article on a handful of ways for ladies to impress their fellas. 🙂
Unsolicited blowjobs. There. Article over.
Now my lady is going to know my secrets…
Go Bears