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Updated on May 5, 2017.
Dishonorable Mention: Sip & See
“It’s a sip and see,” she told me. “It’s where everyone gets together to see the newborn baby.”
“So, uh, like a baby shower?”
“Yeah, but it’s different.”
It’s not different. You’re still expected to attend, and you still have to bring a gift for the baby as if you haven’t already brought enough. A “Sip & See” is exactly what it sounds like – you “sip” your drink while “seeing” a baby, as if Facebook hasn’t already shoved photos of that baby down your throat since its first sonogram until they graduate from college. If we’re being honest, Sip & Sees probably nestle in the two spot right between baby showers and gender reveals, if for no other reason than that it’s even more pointless than a baby shower (if that’s even possible).
The good news? This week’s Sip & See got cancelled. The bad news? I was planning on skipping it anyway, so now I don’t even get the satisfaction of cancelling on everyone.
Originally published on April 5th, 2016.
My presence is required at a lot of events. A lot events. Weddings for people I’ve never met before, parties for kids that haven’t even been born yet, and bachelor parties that will cause me to have heart palpitations when I think about my bank account. But that’s just what your mid-to-late twenties are all about — going to events you don’t want to go to simply to signal that you’re “adulting,” whatever the fuck that means.
Some of these parties, though? They’re a blast. I want to go to them ten times out of ten. But others? They make me debate joining the Witness Protection Program before moving to Patagonia where I’ll cook over a fire for the rest of my life in between fly fishing and evading American banks who are looking to collect on my overdue student loan payments. So, from first to worst, let’s tackle every party you’ll have to confront until your friends are finally grown the fuck up.
8. Bachelor Party
You know what you’re getting when you go into a bachelor party — a lighter wallet, a week-long hangover, and some anxiety over what your friends did or didn’t see while you were browned out in the strip club. But the fact of the matter is that bachelor parties are the best possible event you can get invited to when you’re nearing thirty. Will they make you question your path in life in the days following? Yes, of course. But you can only go to so many of them before the well of your unmarried friends dries up and all you have left is the memories.
7. Wedding
Sure, they’re not all ideal. You’re going to have to inconveniently travel over long weekends where you’d rather be at a lake house drinking Labatt Blue Lights by the case, but how much can you really complain about an open bar, a free meal of food, and a wedding band taking you deep into the night with a bunch of Motown classics?
Do you want to buy a new tie because your last one was ruined after you drunkenly ripped it off upon entering your room at the bed and breakfast? No, but that’s just a cost you incur. Do you really want to get your tuxedo dry cleaned for the country club wedding for a couple you’ve met less than a handful of times? Probably not, but just use all that Veuve sipping as a networking opportunity. And do you really feel like going to the rehearsal dinner where you legitimately know no one and have to discuss your career trajectory until it’s finally over? No, but you’re a 28-year-old man and these are the growing pains you have to endure.
6. Stock The Bar Party
I, personally, am not a fan of being invited to parties where I’m told to bring my own booze. If you’re hosting a party, just host the damn party. But Stock The Bar Parties are essentially just one big excuse to have a coed wedding shower where the bride and groom come out of it with a bunch of vodka you’ll just end up drinking at their dinner parties anyway.
The biggest issue, though? Weddings already command my presence in about a million other fucking ways. Not only am I wasting a weekend, a lot of cash, and money for your fucking Vitamix, but now I have to go to yet another event where I’ll just wake up hungover the next day thus further affecting my already struggling golf game.
5. Engagement Party
Congratulations! He finally asked! Oh my God, let me see the ring! Ugh, he did such a good job! I could not be more happy for you two.
*Pulls the groom aside*
So you finally did it, man. How’s it feel? Yeah, that’s kind of what I expected you to say. Are you still in for that golf trip next month now that you have to plan a party for 300 people that you rarely even talk to? Alright, I’ll let everyone else know. I expect you’re doing Vegas in March for the bachelor party? Awesome, that’ll be a hell of a time. Alright, man. Well, it was great seeing you. Go mingle and pretend to smile for a while. See you on the other side.
4. 1st Birthday Party
Just gonna say it — lotta hoopla for a party that the little dude won’t even remember. Between all these little fuckers running around and my mentality of “Am I allowed to get blasted at this thing?”, I’m really torn on what I’m supposed to do with my hands here. Like, I’m not not going to drink with all these screaming kids, but as someone who is probably at least half a decade from having one of my own, I have no idea what’s appropriate to do in their presence. Can I swear, or will they pick up on that? Are you going to ask me to hold your kid at some point, or will you let me wait a few months until his neck is strong enough to support his own head? And seriously, can’t we just say these kids are a “year-and-a-half” instead of 18 fucking months old?
3. Wedding Shower
Great, another event for the wedding I’m already taking out a loan to attend. But the worst (or best?) part? I’m not even required to attend this because I’m a fucking dude. And I think I can echo the sentiment of everyone else when I say that it’s a little ridiculous that we have to buy even more gifts for this than we were already required to buy for the Stock The Bar Party and the wedding itself. Sure, my girlfriend and I don’t have a joint bank account but all that money’s coming from the same well when it comes down to it. But no, seriously, enjoy the numerous pointless gifts you’re getting. I’m sure you’ll use those “His” and “Hers” mugs until the end of time and hang up all those fuckin’ things with your wedding date on them. Just timeless stuff all around.
Oh, and I’ll speak for all of us here — as the men in your lives, we really look forward to picking up the party attendees after they’ve been drinking champagne, white wine, and vodka for the entire afternoon. That never ends poorly.
2. Baby Shower
You know, like a wedding shower, but really just more of a funeral for your friends’ social lives because they’re about to be up at all hours of the night attending to their wallowing infant. And there’s nothing I love spending my money on more than a bunch of gifts that will be outgrown and uninteresting to this little dude come his first birthday party. Of course I won’t mind if he pukes up on this terrycloth shirt I bought from Baby Gap with my hard-earned money. Never mind the fact that a bottle of bourbon for your husband would go to better use than the building blocks I just bought. I mean, if I could, I would’ve just gotten your kid a fucking iPhone for this shower because lord knows you’re just going to shove one in his face when he’s old enough to hold one.
1. Gender Reveal Party
Can’t we just find out once this thing pops out like the old days? Because despite the fact that I’d hate to see you post photos on Facebook of a bunch of blue balloons coming out of a box signaling that “It’s a boy!!!”, the last thing I want to do is take away from my potential tee time opportunities to go to your house to find out whether or not I have to buy blue or pink clothing come your fucking baby shower. It’s not that I don’t care about you as a couple or your child. I do. I really do, I promise. But your kid being male or female really doesn’t carry any weight in my life. Sure, I want our kids to be the Bash Brothers of the prep school we send them to, but that’s so far off in the distance that I’ll be lucky if my kid isn’t going through a metal phase where he shops at Hot Topic. Let’s just keep this information off of my calendar and on Instagram where it belongs.
After all, what is gender anyway, am I right? .
Image via Shutterstock
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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Stock the bar party? WTF?
Someone forgot to inform me of this one as well.
Got conned into having one last year for Fleet Week. When you’re the guy having the STB it’s great, still drinking the booze that was brought.
Our generation sucks
Gender reveal parties are in the same category as engagement photo sessions behind some barn.
Say keep it a secret and secretly implant the idea into a group of friends to start a betting pool on the gender and time of a birth and then conspire with one of them to rig the pool, cause babyshit is expensive apparently, and win $.
Gender reveal parties are a thing?
Subtly throwing out there that you own a tux. Nice.
Buy a decent Jos Bank tux during one of their daily sales and take to a good tailor, i.e. not one of their in-house guys, and it’s more than passable in a drunken wedding atmosphere.
He’s right. When you’re this age, you just need to bite the bullet and buy a cheap one instead of coughing up $100 to rent one every time.
The only times I wear a tux to a wedding is if I’m in the wedding party, in which case I have to match everyone else, which means renting what they rent. Otherwise I just wear a suit. But maybe your friends are fancier than mine and throw more black tie weddings.
I’ve been lucky enough to be in several wear-your-own-tux-and-we’ll-provide-the-tie weddings so it made sense for me. Most tuxes look so similar it doesn’t matter for pictures, and the cheap rentals that don’t fit look horrible anyways.
So far, a 3-piece has been above and beyond what’s needed for me. But at 25, the weddings are ahead of me. I’ll buy a tux the first time I need one, but that day has yet to come.
Low key a good way to motivate yourself to stay somewhat in shape. Buy a tux before you’re 30 and work to stay that size.
GS Elevator?
I actually found a remarkably nice one at a high-end specialty thrift shop for like 75 bucks. Another 50 or so (I don’t remember) to get it tailored, and now I have a custom-tailored Italian tux for under 200.
Weddings are acceptable only when they include the coveted open bar and “Shout” at high volumes.
Weddings and the surrounding events are great, as long as you’re not stealing a long holiday weekend from me. If you do that, I’ll still show up but consider yourself dead to me after the fact.
My only corollary to this is if it’s somewhere I’d want to spend a long weekend anyway. My college town, Chicago, somewhere interesting. If you take Memorial Day from me and your wedding is in BFE Indiana, you’re a certified monster.
On a holiday weekend the only suits I want to wear are bathing and birthday. Sitting around in one for someone else’s shitty event sucks. Especially if it’s summer and I have to sweat.
My labor day 2016 will be spend in Indianapolis. 🙁
My Memorial Day 2016 will be spent in Cornelia, GA.
First birthday party this Saturday and a baby shower on Sunday. Yup, I’m in the thick of it.
Now I’m just getting irrationally angry at my friends who just had their engagement photoshoot and put it on Facebook. That wooden bridge does not look sturdy enough for you to hang out and have a makeout session.
Where does sorority formal rank after graduation?
My girlfriend was a year younger than me, and she drug me to her formal after I graduated. It has to be close to the worst. My only fraternity brothers that were also there were like 3-4 years younger than me. Blacking out helps though. It also hurts your already hindered reputation in the eyes of her sisters unfortunately.
I once chose a my alma mater’s bug rival football game over my friends wedding. Zero fucks given. At least look at the football schedule when you choose your date.
It probably would’ve been worthy sacrifice, if the gators were actually good.
Georgia Southern
In my mid 20s I once went to six damn weddings in one year. Fuck, that cost me a lot of money.
I’m probably past weddings until friend’s kids get married. And bachelor parties once you hit 30…are pretty pathetic. Nobody can party like they used to.