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Breaking up sucks. No matter how you do it, no matter how gently you word it, no matter how good your intentions, it’s always going to be ugly. I’ve been on both sides of this coin so I understand the nuances of how to make breaking up painless so you can get on with your life. Part of that is minimizing how much energy the breaking up is going to suck out of you, but a lot of it is also managing the fallout. You want to make sure your soon-to-be ex doesn’t poison the well amongst their coworkers or friends.
A big piece of the breakup equation is also deciding what day of the week you choose to pull the ripcord, so here are the best (and worst) days to do the deed.
This one is so obvious I don’t know how anyone could disagree. On the day you’re already dealing with your Sunday Scaries, you want to also deal with the logistics of ending a relationship? Your barely-functioning mind on a Sunday only has enough willpower and cognitive ability for simple tasks, and breaking up isn’t simple. There are the inevitable harsh words, quick reflexes to dodge thrown or swung objects, standard comfort measures, and inventorying and division of the relationship assets. You need to be sharp and on your game to get through a breakup properly. You do a Sunday breakup, you risk being so sloppy you forget to get back your copy of “Animal Farm” that you lent her. Even though Jerry Seinfeld would tell you to move on (“what’s the point of having them, once you’ve read them?”) they’re books. You need them back. You can’t let these things slip through because you were half listening to her rant about how bad you were in bed and half praying to God there won’t be any meetings before noon the next day.
Also, is this is how you want to start someone else’s work week, by making them miserable? In addition to dealing with their own case of the Scaries, your partner is going to end up in the office the next day with runny mascara and a handful of used tissues. Before long, all her coworkers (in addition to her friends) hate you and now they have a whole week to ruminate with her about ways to get back at you. Bad move, rookie.
Okay, Friday breakup just looks bad. It screams “I am/will be/hope to be sleeping with someone else who is way hotter than you very soon!” Friday breakups say you were so miserable in your relationship with her, felt so smothered, that you needed to dump her and immediately have a weekend with your boys. Waiting a few days to drop the Breakup Bomb? “Nah, I got dope plans this weekend.”
On the flip side, you very obviously ruined her weekend and completely blew out any plans she had with her friends. Now she’s bailing on those plans, without any warning or heads up. Not only will her friends do the obligatory girl tribunal where they eviscerate your every shortcoming, but you now stopped them from going to that new gastropub they were looking forward to.
So to sum up: you very obviously didn’t care that you were ruining their friend’s weekend, and by proxy managed to ruin their weekend as well. Any chance you had of them not completely hating your guts is gone once you break up on a Friday.
Monday suffers from a lot of the same flaws as Sunday, only with the added benefit of having conquered the Scaries already (presumably). Monday is just a rough day in general and breaking up at the end of a Monday can feel like piling on. If you get lucky, she’s exhausted and doesn’t put up much of a fight, but if not she could go completely postal after a day full of aggravation. You’re also very exhausted on Monday, and therefore risk not being attentive to the break-up. Unless you got through the Monday with a clear head, breaking up on a Monday can be as daunting as a Sunday breakup.
There are some benefits, which puts Monday ahead of Sunday and Friday. If you break up on a Monday, your ex-partner probably won’t have a lot of ability to bitch about you to her friends and co-workers. Tuesday and Wednesday are probably the two busiest days of the workweek (or at least they feel like they are), and everyone will probably have some meeting or project they’re buried in. In addition, doing the deed on a Monday night has a very “ripping the bandaid off” sentiment to it. Just get it done with before the week really ramps up, give her a long four days to grieve and you four days to plan your weekend. So, there are are benefits and drawbacks to a Monday break-up. However, success depends on your mindset and some luck.
On the surface, Wednesday seems like a fine day to break up. Middle of the workweek, you have the weekend to look forward to, and she has some time to recover without the weekend getting torched. You also have plenty of time to plan the logistics, with a several day cushion of time to figure out how to get it all done. Then, after the deed, you have a few days to tie up any loose ends (i.e. get back any stuff you forgot at their place on first glance, attempt to save the connection with any of her hot friends). Wednesday has all the elements to a good breakup day.
The problem, however, is that Wednesday is the classic “trap” day. Sure you had two days during the week to break up, but she’s still going to text you on Monday and Tuesday. She still wants to go out with you. She still wants you to come over and watch The Bachelor with her. All of this extra face time is either going to make you reconsider, and have to go through this dilemma all over again next week, or drive you so insane that you ditch your meticulously-planned speech for an inadvisable explosion breakup. And then, after you’re done, you’ve given her two days to start desperately calling/texting/e-mailing/showing up at your place. Everyone is different, but at some point, the sadness turns to rage, which turns into “I will make sure you never date for the rest of your life.” If you break up on Wednesday, you risk going out on Friday/Saturday constantly looking over your shoulder, fearful that someone might hit you over the head with a brick when your back’s turned. Or worse, falsely tell that cute redhead you’re chatting up that you have an incurable STD.
“Breaking up on a Saturday – are you nuts?”
Yeah, yeah, I hear you. Breaking up on the weekend is never going to be pretty, but believe it or not, Saturday is not a terrible option for you. There’s the soft cushion of a nice Friday night where you can take them out for one last nice dinner or night out, give them a fun night out with their friends, or stay in to watch Netflix one more time. Think of it as the last meal before the execution.
On the other side of the breakup, this gives them a whole Sunday that they were going to spend hungover at brunch anyway, so they can commiserate with their friends. And let’s be honest, you’re kind of doing them a favor by giving them an excuse (if they need one) for closing down the brunch spot and getting massively drunk. She’ll (hopefully) get it all out of her system before going into work. Really, you’ve only ruined one part of the weekend for her, and that’s Saturday night. Yes, that is not going to be a good look for you, but you’re breaking up on a weekend; you’re gonna ruin it somehow. A Saturday breakup is just minimizing the damage while giving you one good night to party your way back to singledom.
Tuesday is a fantastic night for breaking up. You’ve gotten over the Scaries and are back to “working hard.” Should you break up on a Tuesday night, there’s not that risk of having to wait several days with her after the weekend like there is with Wednesday. She also gets a few days to grieve before the weekend comes, and there’s the added benefit of the first day post-breakup being a Wednesday. Like I said, Wednesday is one of those uber busy days, so her friends and co-workers probably don’t have time to drop everything for long sessions of hating you. The only drawback to a Tuesday breakup is the next three days she has to text and guilt you before she turns to raging against you. A Tuesday breakup risks those angry texts or stalkings coming to a head on Friday/Saturday night. That risk is why Tuesday, while a good breakup day, takes a back seat to…
Thursday is, bar none, the perfect day to break someone’s heart. It’s right before the weekend, but not so immediately close (like Friday), where it seems like you’re trying to dive right back into some 23-year old Instagram model’s DMs. Thursday is generally a relaxed evening, you’ll be alert and prepared for the breakup. You had four work week days to prepare your logistics. She gets a pre-weekend buffer so she can call her friends to adjust their schedules accordingly (or feign compassion while having time to come up with an excuse so they can still go out and leave her to wallow alone). The best part is that the pre-weekend buff is a Friday. The one day of the week where no one gives a shit. Everyone is too busy looking forward to leaving that no one will have time for your ex’s wailing. The only downside to a Thursday breakup is the early work week, where you might be driven crazy by all those adorable idiosyncrasies that you now hate. But you’re in control here.
So there you have it, your guide for when to breakup. The why, the how, and the what (sharp objects to avoid being near) are subjects for another day. In case you find yourself questioning this reasoning, just remember this little rhyme: “Monday, one day; Tuesday, two day; Wednesday, hump day; Thursday, dump day.” Good luck and godspeed. .
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