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If there are any baby boomers reading right now, this is your trigger warning: I’m about to go on a full blown millennial rant about emails. That’s right, the futuristic and efficient way we can communicate instantly across the globe just isn’t doing it for me. Email has replaced junk mail in today’s society, and I, for one, am over it. I can’t even remember the last time I got an email I actually enjoyed, but I can definitely remember the ones I didn’t. Here they are, ranked by how much I hate receiving them.
6. Email From My Grandma
Can’t hate on this one. I love my grandma, and I always enjoy hearing from her. Does this email make any sense? Never. Is it written in a mixture of broken English and Italian? Always. I usually get one or two of these a year, often complaining about things in the old folk’s home and telling me to call the police because she knows people are stealing from her. I’ll be honest, it’s gibberish. But the fact that my 87-year-old Nonna can use email at all is impressive, and the only action required on my part is to give her a call sometime that week. Overall, a good email.
5. Work Email
I know we complain about work often, but out of all the emails I could receive, this is one of the better ones. Sure, work is stressful, but you know what’s even more stressful? Being unemployed. Every time I hear that familiar chime from my Outlook app, I know that I’m still employed, and still busy enough to ease my worries about layoffs. Plus, the novelty that I’m getting paid to write for a living still hasn’t worn off after a year, so I’ll happily receive these emails every day. Not enough to actually check them on the weekends, though. I’m not a loser.
4. Email Notifying Me That My Scheduled Payment Went Through
My credit card bill. Student loan payment. The cable bill. They’re never a surprise, but I still don’t like hearing about them. I set up auto-pay solely so I wouldn’t have to go through the emotionally-draining task of giving over a thousand dollars a month into large financial institutions that I fucking hate. These emails are just rubbing salt in the wound. I know that the minimum $300 payment I just gave that bitch Sallie Mae didn’t even start to put a dent in the 25 Gs I still owe her. I know I just gave Chase eight hundred of my hard earned dollars. Believe me, I’m not nearly flush enough to not notice that kind of cash leaving my account. I don’t need to be reminded of it via several “notification emails” throughout the month. Just leave me my dignity. It’s all I have left.
3. Promotional Email
Fuck advertising. I know it’s ironic considering that’s my livelihood, but come on. I get between 8-12 marketing e-blasts every single week, and it’s driving me fucking crazy. Bed Bath & Beyond. Home Depot. Target. Fucking Target. I get my groceries, my clothes, and my booze from you, Target. What more do you want from me? What more do I have to spend? Why do you keep sending me these fucking emails about your “summer sale,” as if I don’t already know? I understand why these emails exist. I know they work. I’ve seen the numbers. But that doesn’t change how irrationally angry I get when I wake up to six unread emails from a variety of stores I haven’t been to in years.
2. Bank Account Alert Notification
This shit is rude as hell. Look, Bank of America, I know my account balance dropped below $25. I run a tight ship. I don’t need you judging me with that obnoxious email “notifying” me. Yes, I know it’s a stock email, but that doesn’t make it any less condescending. “We’re sending you this alert as a courtesy.” “Did you know overdraft protection can help when your account runs short?” Yes, you motherfuckers. I’ve been an account holder since 2006. It’s four days before payday and as you know from looking at my account, I spent several hundred dollars on bottle service on Saturday. I already hate myself for that decision, I don’t need you to pile on as well.
Also, stop blocking my Bovada deposits. I know the charges are being rerouted through some back-alley North Korean IP address, but that’s how shady online gambling works, alright? Just check my damn account and you’ll see many other similar charges. Let me bet on the world cup. Daddy needs to get his fix.
1. Promotional Email That I’ve Already Unsubscribed To
TARGET, YOU MOTHERFUCKER. I have unsubscribed to your emails more times than I’ve had sex this month, and I’m not happy with that ratio. I’ve blocked you via Gmail. I’ve flagged your email address as junk. I’ve spent 18 minutes (I timed it) on the phone with one of your customer service reps who assured me that I would no longer get promotional emails. And yet, here we are. Every morning I wake up to a fucking email from you. The same goes for Lowe’s, Southwest Airlines, and inexplicably, a custom mug company I used to create some dope custom mugs THREE GODDAMN YEARS AGO. Let me go, CustomMugs.com. This isn’t healthy, and it isn’t right. Let me go..