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Well, it finally happened. After a long time enjoying the single life in the greatest city on earth, it looks like I am back in a relationship. She’s smart, gorgeous, and is not fazed by the read receipts on my text messages. When I returned from my Vegas trip last weekend, a shell of my former self, she was waiting at my place with Chipotle and Gatorade. I knew my single life had come to an end. My main issue now, however, is that I don’t remember how to be in a relationship. I’ve been deeply single for a while now, and now I need answers to some pressing questions. Don’t let me down, comment section.
How long do we have to be dating before I can expect to go on double dates?
In my experience, double dates are just three-hour competitions on who is the better/cuter couple. If the date is with my girl’s friend and boyfriend, I’m going to be gunning for first place in all categories: money spent on date, chivalry, adorable displays of affection, ability to hold booze, to name a few. If the other couple is composed of my friends, the girls are going to be competing on looks and sports knowledge. Either way, my girl and I are a young, untested team, and I’m not trying to go up against a veteran couple and look like a bunch of scrubs. She’s already planning out a double date and I need at least a few more weeks of spring training.
How many nights a week should we sleep over?
Right now we spend the night at each other’s place like five days a week. I realize that we’re still in the honeymoon phase and this is not sustainable, but what’s a normal number of days where we see each other a respectable amount and I also am able to keep a normal sleep cycle? Keep in mind it’s summer in Chicago and I have no AC, so adding a second source of body heat to my bed is making heatstroke dangerously possible.
How do we address being fans of rival sports teams?
I am a die-hard San Jose Sharks fan. I’ve been going to games since I was born, and am still sporting a vintage 2004 Jonathan Cheechoo jersey. My girl is a (fair-weather) Penguins fan. If you keep up with the NHL at all, you can see why this is an issue. She has wisely decided to not to bring up anything hockey- or Stanley Cup-related since the Penguins’ victory on Sunday, but has also mentioned that I haven’t been able to look her in the eyes, which is true. The gleam of happiness and team pride in her eyes is still too much for me to bear, and while I think I will eventually overcome this feeling, I don’t think I could do it again. If our teams clash in the baseball post season, I don’t know if the relationship will survive. How do couples deal with these issues? Also, is the fact that her favorite NHL player is Sidney Crosby grounds for a breakup? I’m on the fence.
When can I keep a toothbrush at her place?
I know this is supposed to be a big step in a relationship, but I don’t give a shit. I can’t start my day and go to work without brushing my teeth. I know someone is going to comment about “using toothpaste of my finger,” but stop lying to yourself that it’s the same thing. Sliding your own finger in and out of your mouth doesn’t make your teeth any cleaner, it only makes you strangely aroused. Just me? Either way, I need something with bristles to make my mouth minty fresh so I can not feel like a pile of garbage at work/have a chance at morning sex. I’m just going to start hiding a toothbrush at her place somewhere she can’t reach.
If I have hooked up with female friend(s) of mine in the past, should I tell my girl or stick with the “ignorance is bliss” approach?
Babe, if you’re reading this, this is a totally hypothetical question that has nothing to do with my life. Also, please, for both our sakes, stop reading my columns. I’ve been mulling this question over in my head for a while, and I can’t tell what to do. On one hand, I pride myself on being honest and I know I wouldn’t want to find out that I’ve met some guys that have been intimate with my girl. However, these girls are my actual friends, and I wouldn’t stop hanging out with them just because I have at one point hooked up with them. If I tell her, she’ll always be wondering who they are and whether she can trust me to hang out with them. If I don’t tell her and she finds out at a later date, it makes me look shady and like I was hiding the fact from her. Keep in mind that these are not girls I had anything more than a physical relationship with and no feelings were involved.
When does “meeting the parents” happen if you don’t live near your families?
Obviously this is still way in the future, but it’s a new experience for me. In all my past relationships I’ve lived in the same city as my family, so having a girl over for a dinner or casually meeting my parents usually occurred pretty soon in the relationship. However, with my parents living across the country, this would be a much more serious step. Does it happen after like six months? A year? I have no knowledge on grown up relationships; please advise. Also, I’m trying to take a trip out to my Dad’s new vacation home in Mexico sometime this summer. That would seem too early to meet the parents, but also fuck it, I want to spend a weekend on the beach. Do I take her and just let her know it’s about the vacation, not meeting my dad?
Feel free to leave me answers/advice in the comments or email me here. You can also email me with questions of your own or for any advice. I’ve been in a relationship for almost a week now, so I’m practically an expert..
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Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
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This is not the kind of article I wanted to kick off my day with, but congrats on the regular sex.
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You’re stuck sleeping over at least 5 times a week for the rest of your relationship. She’s going to think something is wrong if you try to take it back a day or two.
nip that in the bud. make something up like early meetings or gym days where you consistently cant sleep over on that particular night.
This. The precedent has been set so there’s no way out now.
Not sure if “Hey babe, this is Meghan. We used to hook up a lot” is the best approach.
Megan with an H, eh? Clearly way too spicy to tell the new girlfriend about.
H equals butt stuff…from what I’ve like, you know, been told.
DO NOT tell her about the friends you hooked up with.
A) She definitely already knows. You think she hasn’t been doing constant opposition research since the day you met? If she hasn’t brought it up to you she’s either fine with it or, more likely, waiting to use it against you. Just let it happen. You are powerless.
B) If she asks, tell the truth in the most nonchalant way possible. It is always a test, since she already knows (see A, above).
No wonder you’re so tired, dropping truth bombs like that so early in the morning.
Spot on can’t agree with this more.
You and Johnny D both lived in Chicago without A/C? Is that a thing there? It sounds miserable
I also have questions about this. Why is there not A/C in every building everywhere? Do you have it in public buildings and your office? Is it an additional expense to rent an apartment with A/C? Do you at least have a window unit? This is baffling to me.
Some buildings are very old and don’t have central AC. It’s usually on the renter to buy a window unit.
If you don’t sleep over the majority of the week, expect to have your slow death planned by her, watch out for poison in your food or drinks she serves you and always check for ignition bombs under your car. Never tell her about any sort of life insurance policy. Always keep a separate secrect bank account that you siphon small portions of your income to overtime. Only go on double dates if BOTH of the other people are cool, otherwise make up a white lie about how one of them cheats on the other one and you aren’t comfortable being around it (chances are, your white lie is actually true to some extent). Don’t ever meet her family if they aren’t wealthy, this is 2016 and poor people don’t have a say in anything anyway. Always have an exceptional exit strategy for absolutely every situation, be like a wet bar of soap when you feel her controlling grasp take hold of your neck and your life. Over time, stay away from sharp objects, metal things that shoot other little metal things really fast, chemicals, bridges, heavy things, staircases, and vehicles. I hope this helps.
As long as your friends (girls) are cool, and respect your relationship, there’s no point in telling her who you’ve hooked up with. Unless she point blank asks, then be honest.
As a Baltimore sports fan, I wish you luck with football season when she’s gunning for the steelers..
go birds
There’s a big difference between keeping a toothbrush at her place and taking half her closet over. Just tell her “hey, I got a spare toothbrush so I can brush my teeth before I go to work in yesterday’s clothes, because apparently that’s the arbitrary line I refuse to cross.”
Agreed. And not keeping a toothbrush at her place means you might have to share hers, which is disgusting. I’m married and refuse to share a toothbrush.
My wife once used my toothbrush on accident when we were still sharing a bathroom, so I threw it out and bought a new one. It’s just fucking gross. I’ll make out with someone, but I don’t want something that’s been between their teeth. That’s the arbitrary line I refuse to cross, apparently.
Going off the double dates comment, once you find a suitable double date duo, utilize it as much as possible. You get to have a few beers with your buddy while the girl is entertained by someone who thinks like her (because they both have vaginas).
Dinner and drinks with my girl, my buddy and his girl is the ideal Friday night. Extra points for meeting up with a larger crew after.
If it’s your girlfriends’ friend and her bf is cool it’s a great way to get a semi-regular golf outing set up. The girlfriends after a few glasses of wine, “Oh, you guys like golf? You should totally play sometime.” Segue that into a once a month round and you’ve got a few free Saturdays until it gets cold again.
Being a Pens fan is fine, but her favorite player being Crosby? Nope.