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Orgies are a weird animal. They seem to be at the top of most people’s sexual fantasy bucket list, yet somehow they’re more difficult to execute than drilling that 800-foot hole needed to drop the nuke on the asteroid in Armageddon. Full disclosure, I’ve been in an orgy, so I’d say I’m qualified to make these statements: You cannot, I repeat, cannot have an orgy sober. It’s just not possible. You need the perfect combination of drugs and alcohol to lube everyone up enough (no pun intended) for everyone to lose their inhibitions, yet, not too much contraband consumed that it gets out of hand.
Too much booze? Too many drugs? Anything can happen. Jealousy, rage, whiskey dick. All hazards that need to be accounted for. Which is why when these orgies go down, you need to do it in a controlled environment, like a sophomore-year dorm room, rather than a place that has piles of GHB lying around, and oh yeah, also a loaded shotgun. Because when you start mixing the hardcore drugs and the hardcore guns with the hardcore sex? It’s like trying to diffuse a nuke on an asteroid after it’s set to go off by the President back on earth and all you’ve got is two oil drillers and two astronauts (oh my God, two Armageddon references in two paragraphs?! Someone stop me I need help).
Per New Zealand Herald:
A booze and drug-fuelled bender that was about to culminate in a group sex session took a fatal twist when a shotgun was accidentally fired.
In the High Court at Hamilton today, Tiffani Jade Sutcliffe today admitted shooting her best mate Rhys Gordon Williamson after a day-long drinking session that included drug use. Court documents reveal Sutcliffe and her 20-year-old girlfriend had been drinking pre-mixed bourbons earlier in the day.
By the time Williamson, who flatted with Sutcliffe in the house, got home from work the two women were drunk. He joined in the drinking session.
Sometime between 6pm and 6.30pm, a friend of the group, Anthony Brett Clegg – who was recently out of prison – arrived at the house and also began drinking with them.
A short time later, Clegg, 39, called an unknown associate to get a sawn-off shotgun and shotgun shells. It was put on the kitchen table.
The group then took GHB – gamma-hydroxybutyrate, a class B controlled drug that enchances sex drive – before Sutcliffe, her girlfriend and Clegg went to a bedroom for a threesome.
Williamson then walked into the room holding the gun and, in a manner described by Sutcliffe as “playing around”, pointed the gun at her.
She took it from him and pointed it at him before asking if it was loaded and almost immediately pulling the trigger, as the pair stood 2m apart.
After being shot, Williamson replied “of course it’s loaded you stupid slut” before collapsing to the ground. He died shortly afterwards.
Booze, drugs, and guns. When it comes to orgies you get to bring two and only two. People have all kinds of weird sexual fantasies, but when you start mixing them all together like it’s some sort of King’s Cup concoction of danger, that’s a rough look all around. Bringing a sawed off shotgun to a booze and drug fueled orgy? Pointing it at some chick who knows who to disarm you faster than Jackie Chan a la Rush Hour?
Here’s the thing, though. I’m not sure you can charge anyone in this case with a crime. The judge asks what happened. You say you were just in an orgy. Judge says “okay, case dismissed.” Being in an orgy is like being in international waters Anything can happen and those are the risks you accept when you sign the social contract to get naked and do drugs with multiple parties.
PS – Has there ever been more famous last words uttered than “of course it’s loaded you stupid slut?” .
[via NZ Herald]
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Boston Max
Spending my retirement fund at Trader Joe's and trying to remember to check my mailbox semi-regularly
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“Of course it’s loaded you stupid slut” is better than any line in any Quentin Tarantino film
I feel like that quote is ripped straight from a Shane Black or Guy Ritchie script
Thank God there were no guns at the PGP vacation orgy.
Thanks for the invite…
You don’t get invited to an orgy, you gotta earn your way into it.
Congrats on the orgy, Max.
Can’t not bring a shotgun to the orgy if it’s attached to you…That’s a penis joke, guys lol. Alright have a good one
gonna need a column about that orgy, Mr. Goldstein
“It’s important to die in an anecdote.” -Jeremy Clarkson
*Squeezes trigger while asking if it’s loaded at the same time*
That’s some way to go out. I feel the mistake was inviting the guy recently released from prison considering he was the one who called “an unknown associate” for the sawed-off.
No need to bring guns when you’re already packing heat namsayin
I think we need a column about your orgy experience.