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Get ready. Thousands of bright-eyed graduates are set to enter the workforce for the first time – with their Brooks Brothers suits, canvas duffle bags or backpacks, and enviable hairlines.
To mark the annual deluge, Esquire released some advice for the newly employed, along with a list of gift ideas to “ease the transition into adulthood.” Suffice to say, it’s dreadful – written by some beta male with seemingly zero real world experience.
For the sake of these kids, I have a moral obligation to set Esquire straight. Their recommendations include:
An “elegant pen”
Sorry, but if you – some 22-year-old kid – show up to a meeting with colleagues who have already forgotten your name and start taking notes with a Mont Blanc fountain pen, you’ll get side-eyed out of the room.
An “old school turntable” to “dampen the frenetic energy” of a tough day
If you want a way to unwind, it makes way more sense to get a PlayStation. It’ll also save you thousands of dollars from all the nights you choose to stay in playing Madden on a Friday night.
A versatile Timex chronograph watch
The only message that sends is that you come from a poor family, have no taste, and take yourself too seriously. If you can’t afford a decent starter watch (I wrote a guide for that), just get a funky Swatch or a Nike sports watch. This tells people you’re either whimsical or disciplined about fitness. Or just don’t wear a watch at all.
An Oxford collar button-down
Esquire says there is “no greater sartorial staple for a professional man.” Sorry, but Oxford collars have no place in the corporate world, especially with a tie – you look like a community college professor. Instead, study this definitive fashion guide for dressing like a man and you’ll be just fine.
Now that we’ve fixed that, you should also memorize these actual tips that come from real-world experience for getting ahead in your new job:
1. People love to talk about themselves, so ask your new colleagues questions that get them in their comfort zone. A big part of your first impression is how you make people feel about themselves.
2. Buy at least three decent suits. Keep it simple; if a suit has too much flair, the only thing people will notice is how often you wear it.
3. Don’t wear a tie every day unless you have to; you just look like a kiss ass. But always keep a spare tie in your desk drawer.
4. Come up with dismissive and condescending nicknames for adversarial colleagues you consider to be possible threats – like Chico, Fredo, or Bubba. Work at it until they are adopted office-wide.
5. If you are exchanging “stock tips” with friends at other firms, use an app like Cyber Dust. But just don’t buy short-dated, out-of-the-money options.
6. Show some leadership by organizing drinks and nights out with fellow trainees; get them wasted, especially in the presence of senior colleagues.
7. Do the coffee runs. It shows confidence. Just don’t screw it up. If you can’t be trusted with coffee, how can you sell bonds or manage risk?
8. Leave a jacket on the back of your chair so people can never be 100% sure if you’ve left early for the day or are taking a long lunch.
9. Never tell the first offensive joke, but always have a good one saved up for when your seniors finally trust you enough to share one with you.
10. Ask the secretary for the travel schedules of the senior members of the team for the week ahead. She thinks you are being proactive, but now you know when you can sleep in, hit the gym, or beat the traffic to the Hamptons.
11. It’s okay to make a mistake or ask a question. But don’t ever ask the same question or make the same mistake twice.
12. Don’t offer to buy drinks when out with your seniors; you can’t afford them and it won’t score any points.
13. Your boss’s jokes are always funny. Period. And if you are at the receiving end of a joke, laugh with it. If you take yourself too seriously, no one else will. There are no “safe spaces” in the real world.
14. Shut up about where you went to college.
15. Let your boss set the tempo when it comes to rowdy nights out. Don’t be afraid to join in; just make sure you’re the first one in the next morning.
16. Don’t date a chick in the office. The “I’m busy at work” excuse is too valuable to squander. But, you should still sleep with her.
Go get ’em..
[Via Esquire]
Respond
How to write a GSE column
1. Use the term beta male, because it’s definitely 2004 still
2. Repurpose old article with a link to some new, tangentially relevant information as an excuse
3. [Optional] insert shill for Birddogs
Pretty sure this guy uses the same shit for every article.
Practical Job Advice For Graduates Entering The Workforce*
*Applicable only to financial sector or similar jobs
Huh, guess I shouldn’t have worn a suit since it’s now covered in mechanical room grease. Electrician yells from around the corner: “Hey! Check out new fancy suit guy! Why don’t you get over here and tell me how to do my job one more time!?” *entire construction/maintenance crew laughs*
Legit the only times I’ve worn a tie to work were when I had an interview for another job during my lunch break.
I work in software as a developer, and if you even wear a tie to your interview people think you’re full of shit at most companies. New guy started here a couple weeks ago and wore a tie a week straight until he got enough shit from people that he gave it up.
I work in publishing and nobody here gives a fuck anymore. I wore shorts for a week last summer and nobody batted an eye.
My boss’ boss made some comments at happy hour about how dudes in the office wearing sandals grossed him out but didn’t set any rules. I counterpointed that I’ve seen him wear slippers with mop bottoms to the office. We are not a stylish industry.
Yeah I work in manufacturing if I wore a suit to work, every guy on the floor would make fun of me. Hell they make fun of me if a wear a polo.
Every time I read one of these articles…
via GIPHY
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1. Find all of the people in the office who seem down trodden and on the verge of psychosis (there’s many) and befriend them because when that day comes when they bring a sawed off shotgun into work, you’ll have a better chance of walking out of there to be able to start looking for your next potential mass shooting place.
2. Strive for that corner office. You’ll have a lot more room to weep and regret your past life decisions in there until you retire.
3. If you’re gonna make a mistake, make sure it’s a huge one that costs a lot of money for the corporation. This makes things competitive again for the smaller business owners in your industry who have been priced out of the market.
4. Always have an empty cardboard box under your desk and ready to go for when you get inexplicably let go. This is corporate America, no one gives a fuck about you and yours.
5. Come up with better dismissive nicknames for your shitbag colleagues such as Cock Gobbler, Meat Gazer, and Terry Shaivo.
6. Remember that most people have inflated egos and if you’re in the financial sector keep in mind that money is printed out of thin air and distributed with interest. This keeps everyone in a perpetual cycle of enslaving debt so that cocky guy sitting in the cubicle next to you is just as much of a hairless monkey as you are.
7. Blame everything on the one who’s out on vacation, on maternity leave, or just got fired recently.
8. Always have a black mail plan ready. It doesn’t have to be true, it just can’t be easily debunked.
Such a try hard
You bring absolutely nothing to the table. After looking at your avatar on here, you actually do resemble Terry Shaivo. My previous comment was basically made for you so thanks for voicing your completely irrelevant opinion once again.
Lmao. Didn’t realize I was supposed to bring something to the table. Thought I was just someone who come to this site to read the articles. Didn’t realize that I also have to read your hot takes in the comment section. Didn’t realize PGP asked you to also give your 8 jokes, none of which were original. Dane Cook used your #1 10 years ago. All 8 of these lines were predictable, and boring. If you can’t take criticism, get off the internet Bubba.
Welcome to PGP. If you’re not up to speed on Nived’s particular flavor of resident comment trolling, feel free to check out some of his other work. Some people enjoy it, others not so much, but you’ve got to admit the kid’s got heart and really dedicates himself to the post.
Haha, oh Terry Shaivo, it’s fun to go back and forth with you, I’m not gonna lie but you’ve used that description of me before. You seem like an alright dude. Criticism is fine, I know it was probably hard for you to type these comments because of your condition and all so who’s really the try hard?
If you graduated college with a Brooks Brothers suit, you’re on the wrong fucking website.
Hey man sometimes they have sales like 2/$600. Sure a little pricey still but they’re like $1200 suits and pretty high quality that will last. Not trying to be stuck up (I don’t have any) I’m just sayin.
Nothing wrong with looking good.
its called raiding the oldman’s closet for professional clothes
The only thing that ever actually motivated me to gain muscle was fitting into my old man’s suits once he retired.
Make sure you get 1-3 years experience so you can apply to all the entry level jobs.
To be fair, if you work in business casual office, the OCBD is clutch. I wouldn’t wear it with a suit, but it’s one of the most versatile shirts a guy can have in his closet, and can go from office to bar to dinner date.
Don’t diss the OCBD just because you’re stuck wearing suits.
So much hate, I like these articles.
Not being able to follow the last one because you’re the only one not married or engaged in your department. PGP.
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