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I ranked the professional athletes that just don’t GAF last week, but I think there’s another category out there full of characters. Mostly athletes, a couple coaches, and a groundskeeper, here is my power ranking of the fictional athletes that DGAF.
23. Dean Portman (Mighty Ducks 2)
Doesn’t really get along with everyone, and you can’t forget when he laid out that guy from Iceland and then the ref right after that.
22. Ernie McCracken (Kingpin)
Trollers gonna troll. Bill Murray really made this character. Just watch this:
21. Ham Porter (Sandlot)
Hambino walked around verbally harassing everyone and was too chubby to get the girls to like him. Later in life he becomes a professional wrestler.
20. Mr. Miyagi (Karate Kid)
Mr. Miyagi took a very relaxed approach to teaching karate and dropped quite a few lines we will always remember. Wax on. Wax off.
19. Jimmy Dugan (A League Of Their Own)
This guy was a major misogynist who treated coaching women as a joke. Like many guys on this list, he was also an alcoholic.
18. Air Bud (Air Bud)
Dogs don’t play sports. Football, basketball, soccer, or whatever it may be, Buddy doesn’t care. Buddy sets trends. Buddy breaks down walls. Buddy DGAF.
17. Ricky “Wild Thing” Vaughn (Major League)
He had a ridiculous haircut, didn’t wear sleeves, and threw some wild pitches (probably because he had terrible eyesight).
16. Ebby Calvin “Nuke” Laloosh (Bull Durham)
Typical hotshot superstar baseball prospect that Crash Davis tried to tame. He spends the whole season romancing the team groupie and ignoring almost everything his mentor Crash tries to teach him. “I ain’t pissing nothing away. I got a Porsche already; a 911 with a quadrophonic Blaupunkt.”
15. Carl Spackler (Caddyshack)
Not technically an athlete, but still. Just your everyday groundskeeper that tries to eliminate the gopher population at any cost. Literally will do anything to kill the damn gopher.
14. Roger Dorn (Major League)
Although our own Dillon Cheverere rocks the IDGAF attitude, I’m talking about the original Roger Dorn. He was basically a huge prima donna and got on everybody’s nerves in the clubhouse.
13. Al Czervik (Caddyshack)
Any character played by Rodney Dangerfield is a shoe-in for this list. This guy was brash. When they informed Al he would never get into the country club, he let them know that he would never want to be and goes scorched earth on the club. Big gambler, too. Who throws six figures on a round of golf?
12. Willie Beamen (Any Given Sunday)
He’s a third string quarterback that takes all the credit for his team’s wins. He ignores the coaches and often calls his own plays. He’s worried way more about his singing career and even hits on the team owner when he’s naked in the locker room.
11. Roy “Tin Cup” McAvoy (Tin Cup)
This guy was a prodigy that didn’t really go anywhere because he’s lazy af. Gets fired as a caddy by a top golfer then eventually steals that guy’s girl after getting on the tour himself and finishing top-15.
10. Squints (Sandlot)
Squints told everyone about the mean old man and the Beast, and he was also obsessed with Wendy Peffercorn. Using balls of steel, the kid fakes drowning to get CPR from Wendy so he can steal a kiss. Years later they’re married with 9 kids. Do your thing, Squints.
9. Paul Crewe (The Longest Yard)
Goes to jail for shaving points and then has to lead a misfit football team of inmates against the prison guards. After being told his life would be hell and that he would be framed for murder if he doesn’t let the guards win, Crewe goes out and takes the victory, sticking a big middle finger in the prison warden’s face.
8. Chazz Michael Michaels (Blades of Glory)
Addicted to sex, Chazz has a bold personality and an alcohol problem. He also had serious flow.
7. Juwanna Mann (Juwanna Mann)
So Jamal gets kicked out of the UBA for stripping naked after being taken out of a game and is just an overall asshat. He loses all his endorsements, mansion, and girlfriend, so he decides to dress up as a woman to play in the WUBA. I don’t know how this flies, but he dominates the women’s league and then falls in love with one of his teammates. Nice.
6. Morris Buttermaker (Bad News Bears)
An alcoholic former Minor Leaguer that now cleans swimming pools and gets roped into coaching a Little League team composed of the worst players in the league? Textbook DGAF. He really takes the cake by offering his team to get whatever they want out of his beer cooler.
5. Hanson Brothers (Slapshot)
Whether these guys were interrupting their coach, starting fights, or playing with toy cars, the Hanson brothers were the three amigos. They had some weird glasses too that would probably get them laid today.
4. Ricky Bobby (The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby: Talladega Nights)
Where do I even start with this guy? He only cares about winning, he treats his best friend like shit, he milks all his endorsements, he named his kids Walker and Texas Ranger and has a couple of meltdowns. He even sprints towards the finish line after a brutal wreck because he wants to win the race that badly. Maybe he kind of gives a fuck. Who cares?
3. Jackie Moon (Semi-Pro)
He wrote a one-hit wonder called “Love Me Sexy,” bought a basketball team, made himself the coach and the starting forward. He pulled off ridiculous stunts to bring in fans including fighting a bear. He also had some nice flow.
2. Kenny Powers (Eastbound & Down)
This dude. Kenny is a superstar pitcher that basically watches his career crumble solely because he is lazy, has a huge ego, and has a serious temper. By the time he finally gets back up to the majors, he fakes his death to win over some chick. He ends up married with kids (after getting arrested for faking his death) and works at a rental car place. Oh, and of course, his mullet.
1. Alex Moran (Blue Mountain State)
Moran is the poster child for not giving a fuck. He was a high school superstar, but unlike Thad Castle, he isn’t playing in college to make the NFL. Alex just wants to milk his college days to have as much fun as possible, including various illegal activities, traditions, and other debauchery. He literally does everything possible to not have to be the starting quarterback, and you have to respect that level of not caring.
Did I miss anybody? Let me know in the comments..
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Tim Riggins? Throwing up at practice from being too hungover, sleeping with every rally girl. At least an honorable mention.
Not to mention skipping practice for days to head to Mexico so his friend can have an illegal operation.
Good one
Riggs is the first person to pop on my head when i read the title, major oversight here. #texasForever
Jackie didn’t write “Love Me Sexy.” Give his momma the respect she deserves! And Happy Gilmore has to at least get an honorable mention here. Dude fought Bob Barker.
Agreed. Happy still holds two league records. Most time spent in the penalty box. And the only player who’s ever tried to take off his skate, and try and stab somebody.
I left Happy out solely to piss off my roommate because IDGAF.
Shane. Fucking. Falco.
Actually never mind, Shane actually gave a fuck about the game. Plenty of other players on the Washington Sentinels to pick from.
Xavier Laflamme from Goon
Fuck that frenchy
Will Ferell is the king of playing athletes that DGAF
And he played coach Phil Weston. Shoved a kid in the noggin and Byong Sun
Moran at #1 was the right choice. Anybody that decides to become the starter only because the parties will be bigger is the epitome of DGAF
If only you could make it to MD for the same reasons that easily…
Happy Gilmore
I’d give an honorable mention to Charlie Tweeder from Varsity Blues. Scott Caan is a solid choice for a boozehound slot receiver for a small town Texas football team.
Good call there. You could throw Billy Bob in too. The guy had zero regard for his brain, playing through constant concussions. Also asking a teacher to prom at a strip club. Respect.
Was going to say this, then got caught up watching the movie. Tweeder doesn’t take anything seriously, talks about women solely as sex objects elaborating on how they’re “pantie droppers” when he gives them what is essentially a date rape drug concoction, is the “Houdini” of strip club behaviors, hits an alumnus in the nuts with a baseball bat on camera, and steals a cop car which he rides around naked in. He shouldn’t be on the HM list, he should be near the top of this one.
Big co-sign on this one. As a 13 year old, the West Cannan Coyotes were the coolest dudes I’d ever seen.
Slapshot is overall one of the greatest movies ever made
Cannonball!!!
This list captures our DGAF-ness FOR-EV-VUR
Doesn’t take the President of DGAF to know that Rick Vaughn at #17 is criminally underrated. He banged #14’s wife.
That should at least put him at #13