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Ooh baby, it’s that time of year again. I wore boots to work on Tuesday. Hocus Pocus is back on TV. My girlfriend adorably stole a pumpkin off a storefront when we were drunk last weekend only for us to find it Sunday morning and be really confused. This weekend, I’ll get to watch my favorite Halloween movie, The Nightmare Before Christmas. Shit, I even walked through a spider web on my way through the kitchen and we haven’t even decorated our apartment yet.
Halloween season is in full force, and I’ve been planning my costumes for a while. As a matter of fact, I have my first costume party this weekend. Sure, it’s reality TV themed, but that doesn’t change the fact that I get to put together another costume.
Here’s the thing, though. I’m ballin’ on a budget right now. As much as I would love to pick up a flight suit and talk about my need for speed, I simply cannot justify that purchase.
I’m sure I’m not the only one in that boat. At least, I surely hope that I’m not the only one in that boat. Otherwise I have a lot of shit to figure out. Either way, when I was hungover at work on Monday, I took some time to list out my top 5 candidates for Halloween costumes and rate them by effort and cost. Here’s where we landed.
5. Scott Disick
To be honest, I’m not familiar with this guy at all. This came up as a result of a conversation about the aforementioned Reality TV party. My girlfriend said she would be one of the pregnant Kardashians, and I said, “Oh, is Scott Disick a thing? I remember his name from somewhere,” and she said, “Yeah he’s an alcoholic asshole.” And so I looked up Scott Disick and it looks like I can pull this off by wearing skinny jeans and a tight v neck tee shirt, and then just get drunk and say mean things all night, which is pretty much what I already do.
Effort: 2/10
Cost: However much a fifth of Jack Daniels costs.
4. A banana costume that I hope my parents still own.
I’m relatively lucky on this one because my parents live out in the suburbs, which is only about 45 minutes away. They’re the kind of parents who hang on to almost everything their kids did or enjoyed, which is awesome because whenever I go home I’m swimming in nostalgia.
It also means that I’m, like, 90% sure that they’re still in possession of a classic banana costume that I’ve worn at the drop of the hat in years past. I’ll tell you, that thing has seen some shit. Everything from Diane’s basement from high school to Freak Fest in Milwaukee, it’s been ol’ faithful. Because let me tell you, everyone wants to party with a banana. I don’t get it, but I’m not going to question it.
Effort: 4/10
Cost: Train tickets to the suburbs, but I get a home cooked meal out of the deal so it evens out.
3. A Cool Cat
Let me just say, I’m going to wear this costume no matter what because I think it’s funny as shit. Check it out: black jeans, white tee, black leather jacket, aviators, and converse. Then, you toss on some cheap cat ears and a fake tail that you found at Party City and boom. You’re one cool ass cat.
Effort: 4/10
Cost: $15 + tax
2. Survivor Contestant
This is another one that came up as a result of a conversation about the Reality TV party. In this case, I would be leveraging the beard I’ve been growing for a little over a month now. I’ve got a pair of old lifeguarding swim trunks that I spilled a strawberry margarita on over the summer, the exact spot marked by a stain that I could play off as blood. Then, I could just take any other shirt, open it up a few buttons, and wrap a bandana around my bicep to mark my tribe. The last step would be to run to the party without wearing deodorant. You smell that? Smells like Day 39 to me.
Effort: 6/10
Cost: N/A, it was all in my closet.
1. Indiana Jones
Khaki pants? Check. Leather jacket? Check. Boots? Check. Satchel/messenger bag? Got it. Brown fedora/cowboy hat hybrid? You bet your ass I got drunk and bought one of those back in Phoenix a while ago. All that’s missing is a beige PFG shirt, and if I can’t find one of those then I can probably pick up a classic Henley shirt at manoutfitters.com and get, like, 10% off by using the promo code “bean.” Put it all together, and I’m Indiana motherfucking Jones.
Effort: 5/10
Cost: Just the dry cleaning bill for when my costume is ruined after the bar floods when I walk in..
Respond
Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
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I’ll just probably wear the same Gumby costume i pissed myself in last year.
Thank you for this.
Halloween pro tip: If you’re wearing a mask, don’t attempt to use the mask as a bucket to throw up into. Those thing have holes in them.
I am going to be Bojack Horseman. This was probably the most important decision I’ve made in recent months
Tbh I decided to steal this when you tweeted it last night
Going as the Mooch
God I fucking love using the promo code bean to get 10% off at man outfitters dot com
I was a taco last year, high probability I go as that again this year.
Too easy of a joke.
I’ve gone as Patrick Bateman for years. Just a navy suit (that I wear to work anyways) and bought a see-through trench coat for $9 on amazon. Only requirement is a good head of hair #blessed
I may steal this. Thank God for good hair genes.
It’s very likely I will steal your cool cat costume idea. Can only be a “sexy” cat so many times
My go-to costumes:
-Flight suit: a reliable option but ultimately played out.
-Blue man morph suit with a black fedora and white bowtie: a lot of fun to wear but you can’t drink without taking the face off, and it’s impossible to use the bathroom.
-Shark costume: easily my best option as I get to talk in an Australian accent the whole night and quote Finding Nemo.
Go to costumes:
1) Beers basketball jersey. Its funny if you get the reference. Its also funny because its a baseball jersey that has the number 69 on it. Win-win.
2) Brad/Janet couples costume. Rocky horror picture show midnight showing is fun as AF. Dressing up is even more fun as AF
3) Vacation santa. Get a santa hat and white beard, wear a hawaiian shirt and no one will ask why you’ve packed on all those pounds since summer.
4) Drunk captain. Get an eye patch and a captains hat. Throw on a blue blazer. The eye patch will help you see straight when you’re drunk.
I need couples costume ideas because I can’t think of any.
Went as Brawny the paper towel man and walked around with a roll of paper towel. Became the hit of the bar. 100% gonna do it again
Update for 2017: wear a suit, same roll of paper towels, and now you’re Trump.
And be the asshole who shoots them into a crowded bar a la Trump at the Puerto Rico visit. Staying in character multiplies the coolness of your costume by a factor of at least three, or so I learned the year I went as a Mormon, made fake gold tablets, and passed out Mormon literature to everyone in the bar, including interrupting the couple drunkenly making out so I could explain to them how God doesn’t approve of premarital sex.
If it means getting be a complete asshole in the bar and getting to blame it “staying in costume”, I’m here for it.
Totally going to do this. Thank you.