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If you could have a beer with anyone, dead or alive, who would it be?
This is a loaded question by nature. It’s really hard and depending on the level of inebriation, could go down a rabbit hole rather quickly. Rather than debate the ethics and logistics, I assembled a list of people that would be pretty cool to drink beers with. I always wondered if the Founding Fathers thought about this kind of stuff when they were getting drunk and throwing tea in the Boston Harbor. Speaking of Founding Fathers, my first choice would be….
Benjamin Franklin
I have so many questions to ask the guy on the $100 bill. I’d ask him questions about his alleged invention of electricity (Momma said he’s the devil), the bifocals and other gadgets. The guy was a known lady’s man and loved the company of MILFs so I know we’d get along well. He hobnobbed his way around diplomats, making sure the French helped us, so you know he’d love to throw back a few tankards of ale.
John C. Reilly
This guy has been in so many movies. Classics like Boogie Nights, The Perfect Storm and Gangs of New York, although he’s more known for his comedy. He’s Dr. Steve Brule, a personal favorite of mine. The guy even leads and tours with a bluegrass band, John Reilly and Friends. I’d love to ask him how much fun he had making Step Brothers. A real Renaissance man, anyone that throws in his middle initial is A-OK in my book. Check it out ya dingus!
Sir David Attenborough
When I was in college, my fraternity brothers loved to get stoned and watch “Planet Earth.” I didn’t partake as much, but it was definitely fun to unplug and watch this series. Since then, I’ve watched many of Sir David Attenborough’s other documentaries. The guy is super interesting and has an acute knowledge and experience of so much of the planet. There are so many questions I want to ask: “What’s your favorite place in the world?”, “favorite animal?” and “what major did you study to get a sweet gig traveling the world and narrating documentaries?” The guy loves red wine and Mars Bars, so I think we’d be friends. Fun fact, his brother (RIP) Richard Attenborough was John Hammond as in, “Welcome to Jurassic Park!”
Andre the Giant
The internet is chock full of Andre the Giant stories. There are instances of him drinking enough to kill an elephant. Others of him drinking so much, he passes out and they put a sheet over him due to the logistics of moving such a large man. More than anything, I’d love to see what a 12 oz. can of Coors Light looks like in his hand and to challenge (and have a 99% chance of losing) him to a case race. After he’s done taking the mortals to the woodshed, I’d love to hear about his wrestling incidents as well as how much his tailor charges him for giant pants.
Wayne Gretzky
This guy is by far the greatest athlete of all time. He could have never scored a goal in his entire career and would still have more points than any other player in hockey history. I’m a big hockey fan and I grew up watching “The Great One”. While my hockey career is more like his enforcer, Dave “Cement Head” Semenko, I’d love to shoot the shit over a few Molson’s. Like any hockey player, he had the hockey hair down with the flow of the century.
George Washington
America’s first president and number one in our hearts, George Washington never told a lie. He crossed the Delaware, beat some Redcoat ass and was 12 stories high and made of radiation. I heard that guy had like 30 goddamn dicks.
The guy was a known life of the party, as seen in his farewell party he and 54 of his friends held:
• 54 bottles of Madeira
• 60 bottles of claret
• 22 bottles of porter
• 12 bottles of beer
• 8 bottles of hard cider
• 8 bottles of Old Stock (a.k.a. colonial whiskey)
• 7 large bowls of spiked punch
I don’t even know what half of this shit is but I’m surprised the guy didn’t die. Ultimately, he did die (unrelated to farewell party) but that was due to him getting a cold and bloodletting, a popular remedy at the time, by basically exsanguinating himself.
Who’s in your top 5?.
Image via Art Babych / Shutterstock.com
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Madoff
I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.
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1) Jacques Cousteau
2) Loch Ness Monster
3) Shamu
4) Bruce from finding Nemo
5) Moby Dick
Your commitment to your shtick is honorable
Nessy is not a monster. She’s a horribly misunderstood gentle giant.
King Richard III – supposedly drank a bottle of wine a day
Caligula – Month long parties sound lit fam
Nero – The dude lived for extravagance (and brutal murder), probably would have a 50 car garage but never get his drivers license
Helen of Troy – such a babe that an entire nation went to war to get her back
Jesus – to forgive the sins I’ll commit with the previous 4, plus I bet he can make wine that cures hangovers.
Personally I would choose all three York brothers. Edward (eldest and king 1st) sentenced George ( Jan Brady bunch syndrome) to treason and George chose to be drowned in his favorite claret (wine). All three partied like kings for a time so to speak.
Helen of Troy? If we’re going to go with people from mythology, I would pick Zeus or one of the other gods that famously loved to party. Think of the light show he could put on.
Helen of Troy wasn’t a myth, although myth grew around her. Troy was found to have existed at one point, destroyed by some catastrophic event (war), and someone had to be a seed to the legend of Helen.
Regarding Zeus, I’ll pass. He was only ruler of the gods because he drew lots with his brothers after overthrowing his own father. Screwing over every member of your family isn’t cool, even if its just fictional.He also cheated on his wife a lot and had a short temper, making the God of the old testament look friendly by comparison.
Now if I had to pick a member of greek mythology to party with, it would be Prometheus, as a thanks for creating humans, even though he was punished by that asshole Zeus for it. Yeah, Zeus hates you. He doesn’t want you to exist. Dionysus comes in at a solid second, but that’s because I’ve been on a wine binge lately and he could make some great vintages.
I’d probably choose Aphrodite if I had to choose a Greek God to party with. I’m sure that the Goddess of love, beauty, pleasure, and procreation is pretty damn good in bed.
That bitch caused the trojan war by promising the already married Helen of Troy to another man. I don’t know how she had time to be a bitch when she was busy cucking Hephaestus constantly.
I’ll show her another kind of Trojan war.
Not to be a total wet blanket, but what makes you say she was real? Most people seem to agree that Troy existed as some point, but I can’t find any kind of confirmation that Helen actually existed.
As stated above, someone had to be a seed to the myth. Also, we wont find any physical proof of her existence, just like we don’t have much physical evidence that Jesus existed, only writings.
College Micah
1. Genghis Khan – 0.5% of the men alive today are descendants of his and he presided over the largest empire the world has ever known. I’d love to pick his brain at how he accomplished such a feat.
2. Einstein – I’m a total theoretical physics nerd, enough said.
3. Moses – I just want to find out how high he actually was when the burning bush thing happened
4. Robert Oppenheimer – would love to get a take on the state of the world today from the father of the nuclear bomb.
5. Hitler – just to take a bottle, break it in half and kill the fucker again.
The burning bush that gave Moses his message a joint. History censored that slightly.
I’d like to get hammered around a camp fire on an elk hunt with Teddy Roosevelt somewhere in the Eastern Sierras, smoke weed with Joe Rogan in the studio, and do a shitload of cocaine in vegas with Hunter S Thompson
and acid with HST as well
Let’s just say any mind bending substance would be fun to abuse with HST
Go through the infamous daily routine with HST
The Wayne is on my list, the guy was untouchable no matter which way you looked at his performance. My top 5:
1.) Jimi Hendrix
2.) Gretzky
3.) Matt Pike (Sleep/High on Fire) the guy’s mind is wild
4.) Doug Stanhope
5.) Elon Musk
I’m going to add you to my list
I’m honored. If you’re ever in Boston, let me know
I’d be down for this although never been to Boston.
Stanhope would be #1 on my list if I thought I could survive
Except in Craps. Dude’s bad at Craps.
Its well documented that George Washington made love like an eagle falling out of the sky
Madoff, great article, but “flow of the century” goes to Jagr and it’s not even close
While I agree Jagr has a great head of hair (I actually wrote a top 10 mullet article that they never pubbed), Gretzky has continued his flow whereas Jagr has abandoned it. I do believe I had Jagr as #1 but due to Gretzkys hockey prowess + keeping up with his hair, that’s why I went with him having the flow of the century. It’s a body of work.
John Adams
Freddy Mercury
Harriet Tubman
James Coburn
My Grandfather
My top 5…it would be a helluva party with a lot of wisdom from different walks of life to go around:
1. Teddy Roosevelt
2. Winston Churchill
3. Elon Musk
4. Babe Ruth
5. Frank Sinatra