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It’s with a heavy heart that I must inform all of you that my air mattress will be resigned to living the rest of its life out in a closet down the hall from my room by this time on Sunday afternoon. It’ll get life pumped back into it every time a visitor comes to crash at my apartment, but it won’t be seeing me for the foreseeable future. I’ll be going back to my parents house for Easter weekend on Friday night and I’m bringing a real-live, queen-sized mattress back to Chicago with me. The air mattress had a great run. It served me well, but it’s time I move on. My back is starting to hurt and the queen I’m bringing back with me is dope as hell.
As a man who has spent the last seven years living transiently, I know a thing or two about packing up an assortment of shit and throwing it in the back of a U-Haul. My move out of Austin was without a doubt the most ambitious one I’ve made, and as I sit here in my cube and think about what I’ll have to pack for a weekend back in Michigan I’ve come to a few conclusions: 1.) We all have way too much shit. 2.) Why the fuck do people have headboards?
Having too many belongings is obviously taboo. Every article ever written about moving pretty much reads like this:
We all have that one friend who asks you to help them move. They NEVER tell you that you’re going to have to lug a 200 pound couch out of a brownstone and they’ll never return the favor. LOL stay woke, people!!
-Stephanie is a freelance writer at Buzzfeed and aspiring first President of Mars. Drop her a line at xoxoiprobablyhateyouxoxo@gmail.com
But every cliche has a sliver of truth to it. The mattress conundrum is something that everyone struggles with. Having a mattress is by far the biggest nuisance when moving somewhere. If it wasn’t for the mattress, anyone with a sedan could easily pack their entire life into their backseat and preceding trunk.
But with the mattress, one has to usually either rent a trailer hitch and an accompanying U-Haul on wheels, or just drive an actual U-Haul truck. I’ve done both, and neither are very much fun. But the alternative is to not own a mattress which I know realize is crazy. I know people who buy a new mattress every time they move to a new city. That’s fucking lunacy.
So call me an amateur transient for sleeping on air mattress for a few months, but I saved way more money waiting until this coming weekend to move a free mattress down with a buddies truck than I did by blowing a thousand bucks on a new one.
I do not own a headboard, though. And I can’t wrap my head around anyone who rents apartments and has a really nice wooden bed frame or even just the headboard. I don’t know about you, but the longest I’ve ever lived in the same apartment has been two years. In your early to mid-20s, it makes zero sense to own a headboard or a bed frame of any kind. You want the metal thing with the four wheels, a mattress pad, and a couple pillows. Anything more than that and you’re just asking for trouble when you inevitably have to move again.
Tell me what a headboard does for you aesthetically? Whenever I see a person my age with a headboard behind it, it just looks a little bit cheap. Like you can tell it bumps into the wall when someone props themselves up against it because it’s not screwed in properly.
If you’re a guy that defends his right to use a headboard, you’re going to argue that girls love getting their head banged against it when you’re boning them. You may be right to an extent, but you’re also definitely a tool.
If you’re a girl with a headboard maybe it does hold a little bit of aesthetic value when you pair it with a heady tapestry and your sick new bong. The girl with that kind of bedroom just gave up drinking caffeine and lives in Boulder.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I have the thing that you put your bed into to raise it off the floor. I’m not a total peasant (although I won’t blame you if you took a shot at me for sleeping on an air mattress). It was, admittedly, a T.P.M., also known as a Total Peasant Move. Leaving your mattress to sit on the floor is the grungiest, most punk-rock thing I can think of. And girls will most definitely think you’re immature (watch That Awkward Moment if you don’t understand this).
You know the thing I’m talking about, though. It’s got four wheels, and definitely has screwholes in the corners and it probably held a headboard at one time in it’s life. You might have found it next to a dumpster when you were moving into your first house in college and held onto it.
In any case, unless you’re married and/or living in a house that you bought, I can’t see a good reason to own a headboard. It’s just one more thing you have lug in and out of rental properties. .
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
I’m not even going to read this because I know of one solid reason to own a headboard.
Sup
Someone gets it.
I can think of four solid reasons.
Do you seriously not know what a bed frame or a boxspring is called?
Maybe I have nice lightweight leather-covered headboard so my fucking pillows don’t fall off the back and I wake up with a crick in my neck. Also, why should I take furniture advice from a dude who has been sleeping on an air mattress for who knows how long?
Follow up questions: Do you not own a dresser? Couch? Coffee table? I won’t even ask about books or bookshelves. I just moved this weekend, and I’m pretty sure most people move with a truck of some sort for furniture.
Are you just trying to be as awful as possible? Ladies love a good headboard man, this is day one stuff
It’s like he’s trying to have as many bad takes in a row as possible. He’s the Joe DiMaggio of bad takes.
The PGP Skip Bayless
I called this weeks ago
Actually went up to someone’s room and based on the state of their bed turned around and left in disgust.
My vagina had never been drier, and I never looked at him the same.
He needs to stick to writing The Chase and call it good.
I’m convinced that your bedroom furniture is composed of “the thing that raises your bed off the ground” with a mattress on it, and a few piles of clothes with nothing to distinguish if they’re clean or dirty. Definitely no condoms.
Air mattress*
“If you have tables in an apartment you rent, you’re an idiot.” – Unhinged Duda’s next column
I’d actually love to hear that argument.
Maybe you should get a bed first before worrying about a headboard.
Duda, how many times are we gonna have to go through this…everything is stupid.
A headboard is used to keep your pillows from slowly sliding in between the crack of the wall and your mattress. It’s that simple.
Duda is a cheap hoe