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This morning while I was preparing my morning routine (shower, shave, applying an ice mask if my face is a little puffy), I came across a tweet that was sent to Metro Boomin, a popular producer of rap music for artists such as Kanye West, Drake, and (most notably) Future. For those of you not in the know, one of the staples of any song produced by Young Metro, as he is sometimes called, is that right at the beginning of a song you’ll hear a voice say “If Young Metro don’t trust you, Imma shoot you”. Nice, right?
Well, this morning I came across a picture that was tweet to Metro of a basket of fries with ketchup all over them. The question to Metro was simple — “Do we trust people who do this?” His response was prompt and to the point “Hell no.” That naturally got me thinking about food and I have a few quirks that people do that I would consider out of the ordinary.
Ketchup On Fries vs. Ketchup To Dip Fries In
I don’t understand why people feel the need to spray ketchup all over a basket of fries. It’s fucking barbaric. Fries are usually a group snack, as everyone digs their greedy mitts into whoever got the basket. This means people licking their fingers. You really want a bunch of dirty ketchup fingers coming in and out of a basket of fries? No, you don’t. So just don’t do it.
For whatever reason I always picture people at like county fairs eating fries with ketchup all over them and then moving on to elephant ears. I’m a very clean eater, though. I like to wipe my hands with a napkin after every bite if I’m eating fries, a burger, a sandwich — basically anything that is even remotely messy, I’m probably wiping my hands after each bite. Dipping fries is just way better than already choosing to throw ketchup on all of them. What if I want to dip a fry in some ranch dressing? I can’t do that if there’s already a random dousing of ketchup on it because mixing ketchup and ranch would be fucking sacrilege. Dipping your fries is the only way to go, and I won’t listen to anything otherwise.
(But if you’re at a county fair or a carnival, I’ll let it slide.)
Macaroni & Cheese: Spoon vs. Fork
When Jordan Spieth, the golden boy of golf, is doing a commercial debating spoon versus fork for his mac and cheese, you know it’s a real issue. While I do see the merits of the spoon, I can’t in good conscious endorse it. If you’ve got a spoon in your hand you’re sending a message to the world that you’ve given up.
Yeah, a fork is going to be a little more effort, but you’ll thank me in the long run. When you get to the bottom of a bowl of mac all you have to do is stab the last remaining noodles with the fork. Way easier than trying to get leverage underneath a noodle with a spoon. Using a fork is fucking elegant. It’s classy. It oozes sophistication. No one over the age of 8 should be using a spoon to ladle mac and cheese into their mouth. You want to eat mac and cheese as an adult you damn well better be sure it’s with a fork.
Oh, and if you put ketchup on your mac and cheese, seriously move to Canada. As a small child, I can remember other kids frequently eating their mac and cheese with ketchup. There are rules in society, and one of them is that you cannot do that. You cannot call yourself a freedom loving American and tell me that ketchup on mac and cheese is good. Makes me want to puke just thinking about it.
Ketchup On Hot Dogs
Am I alone in thinking that not putting ketchup on a hot dog is fucking insane? You need as much flavor on a hot dog as you can get because once you start thinking about what you’re eating you’re in trouble. Just a bunch spare parts from pigs that was ground up into a sleeve for your consumption.
Throw on some ketchup. Throw mustard on there. Relish. Onions. Whatever the fuck you’ve got, give it to me so I can mask the taste of this hot dog. Chili cheese? Can’t believe you even had to ask.
I was at a Cubs game last summer when this came up because I was sitting with some friends who all grew up in the quiet suburbs just outside Chicago. We were getting wasted in the bleachers as 20 somethings are prone to do and I came back in the bottom of the sixth with a hot dog. Ketchup, mustard, and relish. You would have thought I had just taken all of my clothes off and screamed “Donald Trump for President” as loud as I could at Wrigley Field. I’m not sure if this is strictly a Chicago native thing, but they really don’t like putting ketchup on hot dogs. They can keep their weird Chicago dog with tomatoes on it. Wouldn’t touch it with a 10-foot pole. .
Image via Shutterstock
Why do Chicagoans insist on eating every food wrong and then telling the rest of the world that they’re the insane ones? I think the winters do something weird to the brain chemistry.
I work near a Chicago hot dog joint, Gene and Judes, that puts fucking french fries ON THE HOTDOG and then gets pissy when you want ketchup on it. You know what I do? Bring ketchup with me. A legit full sized bottle. Take that you midwest savages.
Seems like half of PGP lives in Chicago. Maybe I should move back.
I’m a faker, I live in the burbs.
The McDonald’s across the street charges for ketchup because all of the ketchup hungry patrons go there for it. But you really don’t need ketchup for G&J’s because their fries are the best.
Gene and Jude’s is the most overrated Chicago food tourist stop. Fucking hate the fries on the dog move.
Bring on the Mehs, sensitive Chicagoans
Haters gonna hate
I live down the road from wiener circle, they just yell at me and #shoeusyourtits
Can we discuss those who eat well done steaks? That’s blasphemy if I’ve ever witnessed it.
My wife prefers hers well done. Easily her worst trait.
Ketchup on steak is the most egregious food offense I can think of. And I know a guy that does it.
Have a friend that told us a story about taking his girl to a nice steakhouse in Indy and she asked the waiter for some A1 with her steak. They just about asked her to leave.
A1 is the nectar on the food of the gods. Your story had better end with, “then he wifed her immediately for her excellent taste in meat and her ability to stick it to the man.”
A good cut of beef has no need for A1, or anything other than salt and pepper. If you need A1 for your steak you’re either eating at Golden Corral or were raised in a trailer
Eh, If I grill a steak I press in pepper and salt then put a few drops of hot sauce on each side for kick. Eat as is after grilling though.
I’m offended by your words.
Steak is an exact science. A cut with fat (preferably ribeye for me), grilled to a perfect medium rare and seasoned with salt and pepper. That’s it. No fucking condiments! This is non-negotiable.
I was bored one morning and decided to make breakfast dogs. Sausage gravy, eggs, hash browns, and bacon on a hotdog. I’m disgusted by how good they were.
We’d get along.
Heathen
You spelled “genius” incorrectly.
If you’re putting ketchup on anything that isn’t fried I assume you’re a child or have a terrible palate.
I put ketchup on my eggs 🙂
I didn’t even know eating mac and cheese with a spoon was a thing until that Spieth commercial. Fork or GTFO.
Sometimes the cheese is, in fact, a little saucy
What about the psychos who boil their dogs? Just thinking of the left over hot dog water makes me queasy.
Now you have Limp Biskit stuck in my head for the rest of the day.
or microwave
The water…what have you done?
If you don’t have a grill, bake them in the oven before microwaving or boiling.
I’m in agreement with you on all counts. Other notable psychopaths: people that wait for the cereal to get soggy in the milk before they eat it, people who only eat burnt toast, and I’ll go out on a bit of a limb and say guys that use straws at restaurants.
On the other side of the cereal spectrum, I’ve met several people who eat dry cereal with a glass of milk on the side. These people are complete monsters.
But…that’s not even cereal then…You’re just having something like chex mix and milk. Who are these people?
Fries drenched in Malt Vinegar.
Another rule , Heinz Ketchup only. Unless you’re a savage eating at McDonald’s , then fancy ketchup will do.
Hasn’t had Whataburger spicy ketchup.
Yeah, none of that Hunt’s crap.
One of my best friends growing up is black, and he was over at my house one day and we had Easy Mac. I always eat it with a spoon but he freaked out and said he only used forks. For years we both thought it was a racial divide, white people ate it with spoons and blacks with forks.
I’m white and use a fork. You sir, are a madman.
I won’t disagree with you on the madman, but using a spoon allows you to shovel more of that cheesy goodness in your mouth than a fork. Granted I use a spoon the size of a childrens sand shovel