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Coming in hot off Thanksgiving and heading into December festivities, maybe you ended up in the same seat so many have sat in before when home for the holidays. Your mom subtly, or maybe not so subtly, brought up when you may be adding a few little ones into the mix. What started out as my own mother casually mentioning that the upholstered rocking chair in my old room would be great for nursing, has evolved into her just straight up telling me that having kids before thirty is better for avoiding delivery complications and I should probably find someone to settle down with. It’s not just me either. When my brother and his wife had “big news to share” and it turned out to be a puppy, I thought my mom was going to die from disappointment.
I am looking forward the idea of starting my own family someday. I plan on being a cool mom that puts fruit roll ups in my kid’s lunchboxes and goes to every little league game. I would consider myself motivated by this future prospect, and I get pumped up about it for a hot second when I see a cute baby in the grocery store and happen to be ovulating. However, my mom is a million times more excited than I am, or probably ever will be, and it isn’t even her unborn kids she’s fangirling over.
I can say with absolute certainty that all your moms are in this boat. She’s just waiting for the day when you finally share a pregnancy announcement. It’s her dream come true, and she’s been playing it out in her head since you graduated college. As I write this, moms all over are probably thinking about whether they want to be called Grammie, Gramma, or something quirkier like Baba, Nonna, or Yaya. Being a grandmother is her life mission, and she will dedicate all her energy (i.e. nagging) to getting it done.
Being a grandparent does seem like a great set up. You get a lot of the fun moments without all the dirty work of being an actual parent. You can spoil your grandkids with gifts, play with them and enjoy all their adolescent loving during long weekends and vacations, but then go back to your peaceful Playskool free home in the end. It’s only fair. Your parents already went through all the leg work of child rearing for you and your siblings. They now want you to have to do the suffering while they enjoy the laid-back lifestyle of an extended family member.
The bragging rights are also a huge motivator. You can read the jealousy between the lines on Facebook comments tied to grandchildren pictures. When your mom says, “Oh look at how cute they are!” What she really means is, “It should be me sharing photos of my grandbabies with food all over their face, I deserve it more than this dumb bitch in my book group.” Be aware that once you do finally get the deed done, especially if you provide the first grandchild, it’s going to be the only thing she talk about with anyone for ages.
Every year that you don’t produce an heir, you’re siphoning away your mom’s will to live. While she cares about your financial stability, relationships, and career, she selfishly would rather you just put all those things on hold and prioritize starting a family. With the average age for having children slipping up into the early thirties, your poor mom is probably sweating it out as your twenties slowly roll away with no little ones on board. Our parents came from a different generation where you could get married, buy a house, and have two kids by 25. Your mom’s expected timeline for your spin around the game of life may be a little skewed because of this.
There’s no use trying to run from it or avoid the conversation. Just remind your mother that you can barely take care of yourself, and it wouldn’t be fair to bring a child into your flailing world. Or explain that kids just aren’t part of your life plan and probably never will be. It’s not going to stop her from bringing it up or hoping, but at least you’re being honest. Enjoy your child free years, and if you/your significant other end up “in the family way,” You can save some money on a Christmas, Birthday, etc. gift and just wrap up a peed-on pregnancy test. It’s so disgusting, but it seems to be the most loved gift by future grandparents..
Respond
Kell
future soccer mom of America (AKA I drive a Volvo.) Miracle is my favorite movie and it should be yours too.
@backpackfanclub
@instagram
My sister had kids four years before I met my wife, and my mom was seemingly OK when I told her she(my wife) doesn’t want kids. I have a 7 year old nephew, and my wife’s niece is 5. That’s kid enough for me.
And before I get downvoted for being selfish-my wife and I can barely afford ourselves and we have some medical stuff we don’t want to pass to kids.
“Thank you for your service” – Earth lol
Hey, at least we know our limits rather than people that can pop out kids and can’t afford them, etc.
Nothing wrong with not wanting kids. They aren’t for everyone, especially if you are also doing it for reasons you explained. Not everyone needs kids. Being the uncle/aunt is like being a grandparent but with the added “cool” factor.
Anyone who says you are selfish for not having kids is insane…What’s selfish is them pressuring you to do it just so they can have a kid around but not have to be responsible for it. (Note that I don’t mean moms innocently wanting grandkids and being excited for the prospect…there’s a fine line between that and nagging about it/bring it up repeatedly after you state your wishes.)
I’m an only child and my SO has one brother who doesn’t want kids. We’d rather be an aunt and uncle than parents.
My last trip home I asked my mom if she would be upset if I didn’t give her grandkids and her response was, “Honestly, I wouldn’t be devastated. Kids are awful.”
My mom was the opposite. When she and my dad built their forever home they put in a “grand baby room” that she wants to fill with bunk beds. We were in the middle of fertility treatments at the time and I felt so much pressure, even though she was just trying to be excited.
My mom was the same way-she told me she didn’t think she wanted them originally either until her father passed away. Still 0 pressure from her thank goodness.
Only 9 months into Dad life and they’re already asking when we’re going to have the next one. They get to enjoy all the cool stuff without going through the sleep deprivation, hospital bills, and lack of space from all the toys.
Yeah why do people do that? I’m only 4ish months pregnant (with twins!) and people have already asked us when we’ll start trying again. I’m never sure how to respond!
Eh, not every mom is like this. Sure I know my mom will be happy when my husband and I eventually have kids, but right now her current attitude is “I didn’t limit my career and become a stay at home mom just so my daughters can do the same”. I’m in my late 20s and when her friends mention grandkids, her response is usually “well she’s not an executive yet so it’ll be a few more years before I want them to start thinking about it.”
Your mom sounds amazing!!!
When my sister had my first nephew I told my mom, “guess I’m off the hook?” To which she responded, “Like we expected anything from you in the first place.”
That one stung a little.
Wtf??
Zero desire for children, I have 4 siblings I’m relying on to fulfill this task for me.
I’m with you! I think TGDAG has me scared my child would be like her
My parents are absolutely horrified that I don’t want kids. Their biggest argument is that I’ll be lonely when I’m older and regret it. As if I should do something as massively life-changing as having a child right now that I don’t even want on the off-chance that I may wish I had kids when I’m older. If I really do regret it, I’ll just console myself with my husband, pack of dogs, pile of money and a trip to a different country.
My mom has already started hinting about grandkids and I’m only 23 with zero prospects in my life to even date, let alone have kids with. I don’t have the heart to tell her I don’t even want kids at all. Just hoping my sister pops one out soon so she has a distraction.
My mom has been planning for grandchildren since before I hit puberty. As I would outgrow toys and books, she’d keep some of the good ones instead of donating them and put them into a box labeled “grandchildren.” My brother just got married so hopefully he and his wife will take off the pressure once they have a couple.
My mom would be frightened if I had kids at my age. My parents were both in their 30’s when they had me.