NFL Water Cooler Talking Points: Week 1

NFL Water Cooler Talking Points: Week 1

Didn’t watch all of yesterday’s games? I understand. Maybe you took advantage of an empty golf course or chose to watch some baseball. Maybe you just aren’t that big of a football fan. Regardless, you still probably don’t want to walk into work on Monday and be the guy who doesn’t know anything about the weekend’s games, because you’ll run into this:

“Dude, you weren’t watching Redzone??”

“I can’t believe you missed that?!?”

“Are you a fucking communist or something?”

Fortunately, we’ve got you covered. Stick to these talking points and you’ll get through this. Keep it brief, keep it vague, keep it smart.

Colts @ Bills
– “Man, Tyrod Taylor was such a sleeper coming into the year, huge game.”
– “Luck came out pretty flat, think those Direct TV commercials were getting to his head?”
– “Rex Ryan really started off on the right foot, huh? (Pray someone gets your foot fetish joke, if not, quietly walk away.)

Packers @ Bears
– “Fucking Cutler, never fails, am I right?”
– “Even without Jordy, Rodgers is just the best, man, I think Davante Adams will build off yesterday’s game too.”
– “Again, fucking Cutler, man. Guy still lives the dream though.”

Seahawks @ Rams
– “I’ve said the Rams are underrated from Day 1, and they proved it.”
– “Kam Chancellor’s holdout really hurt the Seahawks out there, you could tell.”
– Bring up Russell Wilson either talking to God or drinking miracle water.

Browns @ Jets
– “Johnny fucking Football. Man, he was awesome, you see that TD?” (Don’t mention his turnovers, there’s no shitting on sober JFF.)
– Make a bad Harvard joke about Ryan Fitzpatrick then mumble that he looked good.
– “I think Manziel has it all figured out.” (Let that debate carry you through the entirety of the conversation.)

Dolphins @ Redskins
– “What a fucking dumpster fire.”
– “You’d think Ndamukong Suh could go a game without kicking a dude’s helmet off.”
– “RG3 looked about as sad as a human being can look on the sideline.”
– Make a prediction about where RG3 plays next year.

Panthers @ Jaguars
– “I can’t tell if the Jags are that much better, or the Panthers are that much worse.”
– Hint that you’re about ready to drop the bust tag on Bortles, but also commend his potential.
– “The Panthers should sign Randy Moss.”

Chiefs @ Texans
– Obligatory reference of JJ Watt being a beast.
– “Not sure who’s going to QB the Texans next week, but they both suck.”
– “How many times did Bill O’ Brien say ‘fuck’ in the locker room?”
– “Alex Smith is a great game manager.”

Saints @ Cardinals
– “Man Carson Palmer was so impressive off ACL surgery. He’s an X factor.”
– “Will Andre Ellington ever stay healthy?”
– “You guys think this is the start of Brees’ regression?”

Lions @ Chargers
– “Lions gonna Lion.”
– “I called that first Ameer Abdullah TD, what a stud.”
– “You think deFries washed this one down with beer, liquor, or both?”

Ravens @ Broncos
– This one was honestly boring as shit until the last 2 min, so just start a debate on if Flacco is an elite QB or if Peyton is too old for this shit.

Bengals @ Raiders
– No one in your office paid attention to this one either, but just in-case they did:
– “Man Andy Dalton made a statement, huh?”

Titans @ Bucs
– “Nah, man, I totally would’ve taken Mariota.”
– “Seferian-Jenkins was huge for me in garbage time though.”
– Bring up this tweet:

Giants @ Cowboys
– “Is Romo the most clutch QB in the NFL?”
– “How dumb is Eli’s face?”
– “You guys buy Cowboys Super Bowl tickets yet?”
– “Is CrashDavis am extremely biased Cowboys fan? (Yes, he is)”

If all that doesn’t make you feel like you got some good conversation points in, just complain about all the DraftKings commercials.

Image via Ken Durden /

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Kyle Bandujo

The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.

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