It’s fall, baby, and you know what that means. No, I don’t care that Halloween is around the corner, or that ciders are back in style, and I don’t buy into the garbage that is “sweater season.” The only good thing about fall is that it’s the best sports season of the year. The excruciatingly long baseball season is finally starting to mean something, hockey and basketball are starting up, and best of all, football is back. While the next three months are glorious for sports lovers, however, there are many parts of the year that are barren of all exciting sports. With a few simple changes to the various sports seasons, I think I’ve got the solution.
Current season: September – January/February
Proposed season: September – March
I love football. Watching grown men dole out concussions like candy on Halloween will never get old. Unfortunately, the brutality of the sport is both a blessing and a curse. It makes it entertaining, but it also limits the amount of games players can handle without dying or losing the ability to walk.
While I wish I could extend the football season year-around, I know that’s not possible, so all I’m asking for is one more month. Football is the only thing that keeps me, and much of this nation, going during the brutal winter months. Taking it away from us so harshly right when the weather is at its worst is just cruel. If hockey players can tough it out for 82 games, football players should be able to sack up for an extra four.
Plus, with more and more indoor stadiums being built, soon the weather won’t even be a factor for games. Please, NFL and college teams, just give us until March when the snow starts to melt and we can see the light at the end of the tunnel again.
Current season: October – June
Proposed season: December – August
Look, as cool as it is to have four major sports all playing at the same time each fall, it’s unnecessary. We’re not rationing our sports correctly. Currently, baseball owns summer, and as we all know, baseball is boring as shit. Let’s save our exciting sports for when we really need them. Let football own fall and let’s push basketball back a few months so we can have a reprieve from doing nothing but drinking all summer. Playoffs in August is the best way to finish out summer strong.
Current season: October – June
Proposed season: November – July
Same reasons as basketball, with one minor change. I’m tired of the NHL and NBA having the exact same playoff schedule. I know their fan demographic doesn’t have too much overlap, but I’m one of them. If I have teams in both playoffs, I’m committing to drinking 3-4 nights a week for, like, a month. I can’t sustain that. It’s hurting my liver, my wallet, and my ability to not get fired. Let’s space these two seasons out. That way we can enjoy both to our heart’s content, and maybe even get some people watching both sports instead of picking one.
Current season: April – October
Proposed season: May – September
I’ll say it: the baseball season is way too fucking long. 162 fucking games? I don’t even want to watch an exciting sport for that many games, let alone baseball. Baseball’s best trait is that it’s fun to go to the games, so let’s cut out any months that would make that not fun. No one’s trying to lose feeling in their hands during an October game or pay money to sit in a drizzle for four innings before an inevitable rain delay in April. Baseball is the slowest sport in the world, and I’m tired of watching games that I know don’t matter. Let’s cut this meandering season down, make each game mean something, and get baseball moving at a reasonable pace.
Current season: I don’t know.
Proposed season: Never.
Guys, I’ve tried. I’ve tried to like soccer. I’ve tried to look past the dramatic flops, the messy upward counting game clock (with a random amount of extra time at the end), and the fact that goals are scored roughly as often as I go to the dentist. I’ve watched a variety of games, in a variety of leagues, and I even worked a summer at an MLS game.
It’s just not an exciting sport.
Even when rooting for team USA I could barely muster up the energy to care, and I once got stand-on-your-feet-and-cheer into an hour-long table tennis match during the Beijing Olympics. Sorry soccer lovers, I’m over your sport, and you bring nothing to the table. I say we get rid of it all together and maybe put our heads together to think up a new, cool sport in its place. Maybe something with horses. Polo, but full contact? I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out. .