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I work in a small seven-person office, and I like a lot of things about that. Close quarters are friendly, most everyone gets their own office (I’m in a space far larger than I deserve), and whenever you need anything you can just shout for it instead of getting up and walking. I’m not about getting those Fitbit steps in every time I have a question. My office ratio skews 5:2 women to men, and my male boss is a dude out in the field doing business, so normally it’s just me in here holding it down for the dudes. Which is fine, usually.
But, I come to you today as a man staring at an empty cup of coffee, knowing he shouldn’t have drained its contents twice in 2 hours. A man who had three bean, cheese, egg, & bacon breakfast tacos instead of the usual two. A man sweating and shaking at the keyboard because the enemy is pounding at the gates and the troops are giving a last ditch effort to fortify the walls. On the outside I’m a calm dude doing some business. On the inside I’m a raging inferno of fear, pain, and desperation.
I need to let this dump escape me like the fiery lava of Mt. Doom, but the drawback of a small office is that the single stall restroom is shared and in the vicinity of at least two women at all times. Some would say, “Just go man,” but pulling the trigger on this just isn’t an option.
That dumping throne is door-to-desk no more than ten feet from multiple female coworkers. At our old office, the restroom was mercifully down a hall, where one could discretely walk in and enjoy their bowel movements without anyone being aware of it. But not now; not anymore. As much as I want to hop out of my uncomfortable-ass chair and cramp walk to the shit palace, I know I’ll pop up on multiple radars the minute I open that door.
Am I being gun-shy? Definitely. But walking in there is like Han Solo getting lowered into the carbonite chamber; soon I’ll be confronted with a black-steel colored substance that makes my face contort. Can’t just walk past multiple women with that strained look on my face that screams, “This isn’t just pee ladies, it’s about to go down in there.” I like to take my time when I’m popping my squat, maybe scroll Twitter or set my fantasy lineups. I’ve been known to have red marks on my thighs upon flush time. There’s just zero chance that level of enjoyment and relaxation can be had knowing that two members of the opposite sex are likely sitting out there saying, “Jesus, he’s been in there forever, what’s he doing, and what’re those noises?”
Now chivalry may be on life-support, but I still try to prioritize manners in my life. And I may not be a scientist, but last I heard, taking a dump smells pretty damn bad. In a secluded bathroom with some safe distance away? Yeah, I’m gonna blow that up on the reg. Not here. Occasionally I wish I gave fewer fucks, but I hope I never become the guy who doesn’t care about igniting nostrils with stench like I’m using my own private commode. Those poor women are seated in a splash zone, but unlike a captivity-raised Orca, I’m going to decline to flop in the water.
Could I take a quick 15 minute break and drive to the gas station down the street? Sure, I’ve seen my boss use the same tactic. But I’m about as far away from that gas station dump life as I can be. Two things I don’t trust in life are sports team mascots and gas station bathrooms. As the ache from constant clenching forms in my lower back, I must leave this narrative behind and focus on the task at hand. Only an hour remains until I can rid myself of this demon, so until then I will stoically continue to half-ass my work and hold in my ass. Because I’m a gentleman..
Respond
Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
Seems like a really loud fan/ vent system could solve most of your problems. Gets rid of the smell and no one can hear you dropping bombs.
So? What happened?
For what it’s worth, I have found book stores generally have quiet, clean, spacious, comfortable bathrooms for dumps when you’re on the road.
This hits close to home. I can hear the girl typing in the office next to the bathroom while I’m in there. She’s the real MVP though for having to listening to multiple people blow that bathroom up every day and never complaining about it.
If you run in to this situation again just go take your dump and flush the toilet at the exact same time that you unleash the beast. Best thing you can do to make sure the smell doesn’t linger.
Make sure you’re the first one in one day and sneak a bottle of air freshener in there. Nobody will know it was you, everyone will appreciate it, and you can worry less about the smell.
We’ve been out of TP for about a week now and the boss still hasnt bought any. I almost think he’s trying to prevent me from taking my usual afternoon shit break. No biggie, I just brought some from home. Just add problem solver to my resume.
Strike a match
PooPourri– least solves the smell issue
I Can relate to this:Male Nurse
Pretty simple solution:
– stop drinking coffee
– eat plain, basic things like yogurt and toast for breakfast
Were those fast food chain purchases tacos? If so:
– stop patronizing fast food chains.
Quick Response:
– Coffee is life
– No
– The tacos were from a local place that makes their tortillas in house right in front of you and I’ll put them up against anything in the state.
What state? Want to try said tacos.
Just outside of San Antonio, TX. Mary’s Tacos. Worth a drive.
Have you had Rita’s yet? Best breakfast taco in Texas
Ritas like in the Stock Yards?
Just looked it up. Can confirm, SATX breakfast tacos are the bomb. Sorry, Austin, I love you but SA crushes the taco game.
Nice! I’m in Fort Worth and will be down in SA the weekend after next. Will definitely give it a try.
That doesn’t really help the current situation.
You should just change you user name to Killjoy
Jesus man, if you’re going to get down voted into absolute oblivion at least say something thought provoking and go down swinging. These are just flaccid. Don’t let whiskey dick transcend into other aspects of your life.
“Have you considered just changing your whole life? It’s pretty simple” [drools a little]