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“Will, get over here, we’re shotgunning,” they said to me as I slowly backed away and offered to take a photo of them. We started drinking outside the stadium around 3 o’clock after a big night out. I had a beer at lunch to get myself back to neutral but they still weren’t going down as well as I’d hoped. Then the notion of shotgunning a beer just seemed beyond me at that point and I figured it could only end in disaster.
Upon waking up on Sunday morning after Texas dropped 42 on Rice, I felt like hell. This body isn’t made for marathons anymore. It’s the type of form that maxes out after five hours out with friends where all I want to do is be in bed by midnight. Waking up after a full day of drinking and standing around in 90-degree heat, I could only think of one thing:
I may retire from tailgating. I can't physically or emotionally handle it anymore.
— Will deFries (@WilldeFries) September 13, 2015
See, I’ve just never been a big tailgate guy in the first place. When it comes to watching games, I’m more of a “Nah, I’m just going to watch it on my couch while scrolling Twitter” kind of dude. Between buying tickets for the game, getting to and from the stadium, and trying to get the hell out of there in the midst of overly crowded streets, I just don’t see any reason to stray away from an HD television in the comfort of my own home.
I didn’t go to a school big on football, so most of my tailgating experience comes from the weekends I’d spend in Ann Arbor watching the boys in blue square off against your Penn States and your Michigan States. Those weekends would almost always end with me being bed-ridden with some type of sickness for the following 48 hours. Once, I even got Swine Flu which caused me to lose thirteen pounds over the course of ten days. Even then, I couldn’t handle the tailgate.
Now I’m five-plus years removed from that and I still, for some reason, think I can hang. I mean, who do I think I am trying to square off with some coeds at a tailgate where the only people I know are the people I came with? Back in the day, I’d be shaming the 28-year-old dude who thought he was killing it despite being four years everyone’s senior. Now, I am that dude and I’m kind of disgusted with myself.
As an aspiring stay-at-home dad who can’t wait to get excited about lawn equipment, I dream of a day where I have too much responsibility in life and I can use those responsibilities as an excuse to get out of tailgating. I crave those halftime-into-midway-through-the-third-quarter naps where I wake up and enjoy the meat and cheese spread I created for myself before kickoff.
I thought entering a new season in a new city while cheering for a new team may have been a turning point for me. But just look at these eyes. They’re empty. And I can say I wasn’t smiling because I’m trying to be like Kanye who refuses to smile in photographs, but I just couldn’t muster the will to even look like I was having a good time at that point.
John, a seasoned LSU veteran, just looks like he’s hitting his stride. Meanwhile, Matt and his wife? They’re happy as a clam. But me? No. Not only had I had less to drink than all of them in hopes that my responsibility would give me some much-needed energy, but I even ate a spicy chicken sandwich from Wendy’s just before entering the stadiums for some sustenance. But nope, none of it helped. My eyes were hollow and my heart just wasn’t in it.
It’s with a heavy heart and sadness in my voice that I say something I never thought I’d say: I’m officially retiring from tailgating. To all the old men who I’ve snaked beers off of and all the 21-year-old junior girls in sundresses and oversized sunglasses, thank you. Gone are my days of savaging Miller Lites and blowing out flip-flops running cross routes while playing beer-in-hand football. I’ll miss it all.
Well, until October 10 when I go to Dallas for Texas-OU. That’s gonna get rowdy as hell. .
My Retirement From Weddings, My Retirement From Raging
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
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Keep your head up, Will. When you and mrs. DeFries settle down, create and raise offspring, and ship them off to college, you’ll get the chance to break out the ghost of #CollegeWill again. Hell you may even become a die hard fan of your kid’s school and invest in a tailgate spot. Don’t give up. You’re just going through a rough patch right now. Texas sucks and you really didn’t give a shit about them in the first place. Don’t let the longhorns ruin what was once an important part of your life. Tailgating is forever, Will.
Oh just wait until you get to experience the two day hangover and have to teach a section full of disinterested, equally hung over undergrads with a shot voice. Thank God my PI is out of town for the week.
So you didn’t go to the Catalina Wine Mixer? I’m legitimately bummed I couldn’t make it (see the Water Cooler) and want to know if I missed out on anything.
Also, and I say this with the utmost respect, the new layout is atrocious. I only have a limited time to screw around at work, and I can’t waste any extra clicks trying to get to the Wall.
Never give up, never surrender! Much like day drinking, tailgating is for life.
https://pgparchive.wpengine.com/everything-that-will-happen-if-i-try-to-stay-in-tonight/
Just like athletic endeavors, the older we get the more preparation is required.
Low key Friday is key to a marathon day drunk the next day. Try to hang with the youngsters and you blow out your ACL with no health insurance.
I felt the exact same way after attending the SC/UK game this weekend, wished I was laying comfortably on a couch with some AC
You won’t!
It’s probably from that wine tasting you (Todd aka will) and your girl attended with Finn and co. Probably still a little mentally exhausted from the L word being casually tossed into the conversation.
I hope yesterday’s brutal hangover won’t delay the next edition of Things Girls Do After Graduation. People are counting you on DeFries!
Tailgating is something done for life, you just need to reform your tailgate to meet your current life needs.