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CrashDavis: Alright, I’ll start this off by saying that I just had an off day. Sometimes you just don’t have your A-game and it really shows. Just have to work hard and be better next time out. Okay, I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: Crash, what the hell happened? You’re supposed to be a seasoned vet, yet really performed like a rookie out there?
CrashDavis: Good question. Well, I can’t really say anything other than I’ve been out of the game for a while, and that rustiness really showed. When you haven’t been properly putting in the work to maintain proper drinking shape needed for a wedding, and yet you start passing around Fireball five hours before the ceremony, you’re going to see get bad results.
Reporter: Did you have any indications that your performance would be as bad as it was?
CrashDavis: Well, early on I could sense that I may be a bit off when I nearly fell over while standing to watch the bride and groom take their first walk as a married couple. What really paved the way for the rest of the night was my response to nearly falling, as I wobbly walked to the freshly opened bar and started double fisting.
Reporter: You seemed to recover from your early mishap and really made a good showing early on; can you talk about what initially staved off your eventual disaster of a night?
CrashDavis: Yeah, the meal made a big difference in the early going. The chicken really soaked up some of the heavy onslaught of Fireball and Miller Lite I had been throwing at my body. Again, I’ve been out of the game for quite a bit, so my body really wasn’t as ready as it was in my college-era prime to indulge in as much binge drinking/lack of eating as I had previously been accustomed to. I did some quality socializing, only slurred a few words, even played with some little kids. I felt then that I was primed for a good night.
Reporter: But it turns out you weren’t. Can you talk about where everything started going south?
CrashDavis: Well, to be truthful, I can’t remember a single speech so there’s your first clue that my performance was rapidly suffering. I think the night really started to take a turn when I was wearing multiple glow stick necklaces and sweating bullets while putting on a really terrible “white person” dance performance. At that point, the fact that I was still standing was a small miracle but my morale was still riding high.
Reporter: But you continued drinking?
CrashDavis: Momma didn’t raise no bitch, and again, I was far more confident in my abilities than I really should’ve been. I’ve taken great pride in the past couple years of handling my booze with extreme effectiveness, and that overconfidence really bit me in the ass here. I stuck to beer, and once it started going down like water there was no stopping it.
Reporter: Would you care to discuss the incident?
CrashDavis: Well, when we got on the bus back to the hotel (which we weren’t even staying at), my body began to reject just about everything I had put into it. It came at me like a speeding bullet; I didn’t even see it coming. There are few worse places to get the spins than lying on the floor of a packed bus. The chicken, which had earlier been my savior, made its reappearance on my jacket and my girlfriend’s shoes. I’m not proud of it, nor am I proud of the ensuing spectacle of an argument with my aforementioned girlfriend while waiting for a cab, but you go through these things so you can learn from them. Every wedding needs someone to be the absolute worst person there, and I bit the bullet at this one. In closing, I’m aware of my faults, and I’d just like to thank my supporters for reminding me that everyone has a bad day at the office sometimes. I’m just going to move on and really put more work into putting in a proper game plan for my next wedding.
Reporter: Crash, you’re a real piece of shit.
CrashDavis: Yeah, you’re right..
Image via YouTube
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
I have a theory that Brian left because he was fighting to get us the PGP forums and wasn’t making any progress.
I know we’ve talked about hosting forums on a different site, is there still a decent amount of interest for that?
I’ve made comments about connecting with me on twitter to find me on FB. I have a few people that have connected with me and are in a FB group that i started.
Not a lot of people really responded well to that. I think they like their anonymity on this site.
I thought you were dead seeing as you’re from Baltimore and everything.
Ahh man it was crazy. I was actually at the O’s game on 4/25 (when everything was getting started to get feisty here). We were locked in the stadium for a while by order of the mayor for our own protection. I live a few miles outside of the city, though. So I didn’t see much action last Monday, except what was on TV.
Btw man, I never got to thank you for the advice you gave on Brian’s last post. Florida was great, Ciao was delish and Diagon Alley was awesome! I’m only a moderate HP fan, but that place was very exciting. Seeing all the kids that were freaking out that they were there made me chuckle.
I’m glad you liked it, man. Florida has some awesome shit. Sometimes I wonder why I ever left my college town down there… Did you do the Drink Around The World in Epcot?
My girlfriend’s best friend works for Disney and got us in free to Epcot the day we landed. I had a few drinks (like 4 or 5) but was already a little toasty from the bloody Marys on the flight down.
you’re from Baltimore?
Not from Baltimore, but business took me here. Been in the area for about 4 years now.
Natty Boh > PBR
^fact.
Was this Brian’s wedding?
#Mommadidn’traisenobitch is a good response for explaining shenanigans from the night before.