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About four months ago, I stumbled upon the perfect Chipotle. It shares a parking lot with a Sprint store and a Jimmy John’s, so finding a parking spot is never an issue. Not to toss shade, but I don’t know anyone who uses Sprint and I definitely don’t know anyone who consumes JJ’s unless they’re short on time and in desperate need of delivery sustenance. More importantly, though, this Chipotle is never crowded. It’s almost as if some were soured by the whole “foodborne illness” thing. Not me, though. This is my new go-to lunch spot. The line is usually only two or three people deep and, at worst, it’s flirting with double digits. It’s quite the anomaly.
Today, however, I ran into some issues. I’m not saying it was worst case scenario for Chipotle, because full body explosions or even death would probably eclipse what I ran into today, but still, man. It sucked. Let me talk through this.
1. I was behind a customer who committed two cardinal sins at the ‘le: Phone and List with multiple orders.
You never want to see the person in front of you holding a list. It’s truly deflating. It’s like circling the parking lot at the store only to get stuck behind a car with a blinker on as it waits for someone to load their groceries and kids into their Volvo SUV. You may as well start that new Rogan because you’re in for the long haul.
At best, this person will be ordering for three coworkers, but it’s more likely that it’s catered lunch for the entire HVAC repair place down the street. It never goes smoothly. The person ordering will sense the line building behind him or her, and naturally, panic sets in. You’ll notice subtle shake-voice takeover as the burrito artist asks for clarification on the order.
“Which one had queso?”
“….Uh, uh, it just says cheese…is that different than queso?”
Come on. You can’t send some newb to The Chip during the lunch rush with multiple orders. To make matters worse, this person was on the phone and heavily engaged in a personal phone call throughout the entire process. I respect her indifference to common social norms, but I have to say this was egregious. The fun didn’t end there, though.
2. My big boy burrito was too much for my artist to roll.
As you are aware, I recently joined my friends Kelly Kraft and Kevin Tway on Team Gainz. It’s a lifestyle, not a motto. So while I used to be a bowl boy, I’ve been opting for the extra cals on training days and pulling trig on the burrito. White rice, pinto beans, carnitas, hot salsa, sour cream, cheese, guac, and lettuce. That makes me happy. Sometimes I get weird and order the peppers, but I’m still not sure if I even like what they bring to the table yet.
Well today, the usually sure-handed artist had a little trouble rolling up the Daverrito. Hey, it’s Monday, right? No hard feelings. But when she looked up and asked for another tortilla, I looked around and noticed that the line behind me was beginning to swell. We’re talking nine, maybe ten people all eagerly awaiting a gut bomb rolled in foil.
So when she asked me if it was okay if she just “double wrapped” it, I took one for the team. Two tortillas, one burrito. I know there are bigger problems we face as a society, but let me let you in on a little secret: nobody goes to Chipotle for the tortilla. The tortilla is average at best. I go there three days a week because the selection is easily customizable to whatever diet Joe Rogan tells me to be on. On the one hand, it’s more calories (more gainz), but on the other, there’s the undeniable taste of chalk permeating every bite of carnitas that just won’t quit.
In retrospect, I should’ve grown a pair and politely asked for a rewrap. I’m not really sure what that process would even look like, aside from the darts being shot my way from those waiting patiently behind me. But you know what? I ate that entire damn burrito. And you know what else? It was just okay. But you know what I learned? Nothing really. I feel like hell. #CutTheCheck I hope none of you have to experience what I went through at lunch today. .