It’s no secret that I’m not a fan of double dates. I’m tired of making small talk with my girlfriend’s friend’s boyfriend with whom I have nothing in common while I massacre a canvas at a “wine and paint” night. I’m tired of getting in an unspoken dick-measuring contest with another couple about whose Instagram picture is cuter and who’s better at pretending we can afford to drop a bill on sushi for the third time this month. However, since double dates are clearly not going anywhere, I’ve decided I should at least find a compatible couple to accompany us on them.
If you think you can be the other 2/4ths of our date night, please email your answers to firstname.lastname@example.org or direct message me.
1. How old do you act? Please note that I don’t give a shit how old you actually are. If you both just turned 21, but have been “over the bar scene” since you first set foot in one, we probably won’t be your fit. If you guys are on the wrong side of 30 but have blacked out on a weeknight in the last month, our double dates probably won’t be sustainable but it’ll be fun while it lasts.
2. What is the average cost of your dates? If you have no problem dropping three bills on tickets to a show and slamming $10 beers at the arena, I respect you, but I can’t hang with you. I’m looking to maximize my fun to cost ratio without having my girl wonder if she can do better than me when you order a round of Veuve at brunch and I ask the waiter if they offer anything cheaper than Cook’s.
3. Other Boyfriend: Are you going to have my back on what kind of dates we go on? Let’s be real, most of our dates are going to have no interest to us outside of making our girlfriend’s happy. But for every time we go apple picking, ice-skating, or to the fucking aquarium (like fish aren’t the most boring animal in existence), I’m going to want a date that I actually enjoy. If there’s playoff football on and our girlfriends are thinking of doing a walking tour of Christmas lights, are you going to back me up when I suggest we go to the bar instead? I can’t do this alone man. If you get live sports streaming to your phone and let me watch it, you’re automatically in.
4. Other Girlfriend: An average, how many pictures do you take per date? Obviously, I don’t want zero photos to be taken since I put on pants that didn’t have an elastic waistband for this. And as much as I love my girlfriend, her Instagram game is weak AF. However, I also don’t want to have to stop the activity every thirty seconds to take “candid” photos of you two laughing at nothing.
5. Is there a date that you would prefer not to consume alcohol for, and if so, will you judge me if I do? If you’re going to have a problem with me having a few whiskey-gingers at home before we go to the zoo and subsequently heckling all the animals, this just isn’t going to work.
6. What kind of drunk couple are you? What happens when you’ve had three vodka-sodas or whiskey-waters a piece? Do you start a heated argument about a topic that neither of you have any knowledge of, let alone care about? Will you end up obviously sneaking away to bang in the bathroom and then try to deny it when you come back? Will you become a fountain of bad ideas, egging us all on until we’re in jail, or worse, at a River North nightclub? There are no bad answers.
7. What are your pet names for each other? Do you stay basic with “babe” and “baby?” Do you go full married couple with “hun” or “sweetheart?” Are you way too sexual or romantic like “my big stallion,” or “love of my life?” I really need to know.
8. What was the best date you’ve been on? This lets me see what kind of vibe y’all are putting out, and what elements you find necessary for a good date. For reference, my favorite was watching the Cubs win game five of the World Series from the rooftop bleachers outside of Wrigley field. My girlfriend’s top pick would probably be going to pumpkin farm/haunted house combo and watching me scream like a little girl while teenagers dressed like zombies jumped out at us. To each their own.
9. How long have you been together? No offense, but I’m not trying to hang out with people in the puppy stages of a relationship. I want an established couple that can go a few hours without having their hands all over one another and whispering sweet nothings into ears. All that shit is just going to make my girlfriend question our relationship and force me to start doing it. Before you know it we’re in a heated “relationship-off” and I’m buying her roses on my phone while making sweet, sensual love on the blanket we were using for our picnic. Now all the food is ruined! Is that what you want?
10. What are your intangibles? What do you bring to the table that other couples don’t? Do you have connections with the hosts at the hottest new brunch spot? Do you guys have any hilarious inside jokes/traditions that we could be brought in on? Do you have a timeshare in Hawaii that we will eventually be invited to? Please say you have a timeshare. .