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It’s tax season baby, and that means I am expecting a fat refund check from the government. With every tax return season, it seems the wife and I find a way to blow all of it relatively quickly. Most of the time we are responsible and put a chunk into our retirement or student loans, but this year the situation is a little bit different. We need new appliances. Like, all of them could do with replacing, but I think we are leaning toward tattoos instead.
Mrs. Cush has a tramp stamp tattoo that she got when she turned 18. I, however, haven’t even considered permanently scarring my body before. That is until a couple of weeks ago. It all started one day at the gym where the thought first entered my mind. I was looking particularly swole after a set of 300 pushups, if my memory serves me correctly. As I stood there admiring my physique, despite being the smallest man in the gym by a sizeable margin, a random thought entered my head that I could bolster my sex appeal to an unprecedented level by getting a tattoo. Because everyone knows tattoos are sexy as hell. That’s just science.
Let me be clear that I in no way need to make myself more attractive to the opposite sex. I’ve somehow tricked a gorgeous blonde woman far out of my league that I am worth spending her remaining years with in exchange for corny jokes, an average missionary game, and a tiny bit of emotional and financial support. For that, I am eternally grateful. Instead, I am considering a tattoo solely based on my own need to inflate my wildly inaccurate self-image. But why is this an urge all of a sudden? Why has a tattoo become a desire out of nowhere, like a pregnant woman craving pickles and ice cream? I think I am having a quarter-life crisis.
This thought has been festering for a couple of weeks now to the point that I am afraid I may end up stopping somewhere on my way home from work just to get it off (or on?) my chest. Although, I still don’t even know what I would get. I have eliminated a couple of options – names, faces, Chinese script, and barbed wire. So out of infinite possibilities, I’ve narrowed the field quite a bit. I love the New England Patriots but probably not enough to get the logo inked onto me. I could get lyrics or poetry, but I’m not a female. I love metal, so I’ve been considering album cover art, but then again I am a total square and certainly don’t look tough enough to have skulls and cross-bones etched onto my arms.
I also don’t know where I would get it. I’m considering the back of my shoulder because my upper back is by far my best physical feature. I would never be able to see it though, and what the hell is the point of that if my sole purpose is to admire how good I look? A face tat has been eliminated for a couple of reasons, but mainly because of the pain threshold. High wear areas like the feet have been eliminated because I am not trying to touch that shit up every 2 years. That being said, there is a lot of real estate to be considered on the human body, and I just can’t decide.
Another thing lacking is who I get to do it, because everyone seems to have their own ink master. I’ve been told to research portfolios and to pick an artist based off of their style which makes total sense. I’m not trying to ask someone whose entire portfolio is showcasing fire-breathing dragons and mythical beasts to ink me up with the Ford logo on my left ass cheek. This is of no help though, because I still don’t know what I want!
For a decision that is with me for as long as I have left on this earth, I seem to be lacking a lot of information. The more I think about it, the more I am torn. I’d look so cool. But when I am 65 years old living in a bungalow in the Virgin Islands going tits out every day, would I still look cool after gravity has taken its toll on me? Will I be able to answer with pride and integrity when my grandchildren inquire as to what my tattoo is and why I decided to get it? Will I even be man enough to sit through the entire session without bitching out from the pain the procedure is sure to cause? There are so many unknowns I am working with here that I will probably just end up with a new dishwasher when it’s all said and done. But hey, it’s fun to dream a little..
Respond
@207Cush
Get an “M” on both buttcheeks. So when you bend over it says “MoM.”
And when you do a headstand it says “WoW”
Vote: matching tramp stamps
We all have our moments. You want a tattoo and I want a saxophone to play sexy jazz solos to myself in the mirror. Live your life.
Side note: I got a new dishwasher last week and it’s easily the most exciting thing about walking into my kitchen for the next few weeks.
What’s her name?
From someone who is secretly covered in tattoos (can’t see anything when I have at shirt on) with both tattoos that I love and tattoos that I absolutely despise…I’m 100% about everyone having tattoos but just really think about what you’re getting. And not just “oh will I like this in 20 years?” I’m saying you should about think about your life, in all ages, all situations and think if your tattoo will negatively impact you or anyone. Most of my tattoos are completely random or meaningful for someone in my life but I have a few that are considered offensive and I hate myself for them. Having to hide yourself at a community pool or beach because of what 22 year old you did is awful and embarrassing. And that’s my rant for today. God bless y’all
Can’t you get them removed?
You giving out loans?
Google says average cost is $200-$500? Worth it to sacrifice a weekend of drinking for it?
Me, I’m all in. Wife, she’s got a big list of things that come before “something you never should have spent money on to begin with”
I admittedly have no idea what your marriage is like, but as a neutral observer, I would think that spending a relatively small amount of money to fix something that results in a very large insecurity in one of you would be a priority.
What it’s like? Imagine prison, but they food is worse
That sounds shitty
Bill, I appreciate your insight. My marriage is great, my wife actually hasn’t screwed up any new meals she’s tried to cook, and getting my ridiculously offensive tattoos removed is a priority and email me your Venmo so I can request $500 for the procedure
I think I’ll pass, but hey, glad your marriage is great.
I just want to know in what way is it offensive, like racial, sexual, etc. My mind goes to swastika for whatever reason, but 19th doesn’t seem like a Neo-nazi.
My guess is that it’s a tattoo of the Denver Airport building map viewed from above ;(
Same
Face tat, aka the everlasting jobstopper.
Can’t beat the classic “Mom” tattoo in a heart right on the bicep. That’s still a thing, right?
I knew what I wanted, but waited a solid year until I got it just to make sure. I’d suggest doing the same so you don’t wake up the next morning and hate yourself.
I did the same with both of mine. I highly recommend this route.
Currently undergoing a quarter life crisis myself and can confirm I too want a tattoo.
The struggle is real. I have two and want more.
post pics on insta
One turns into three just to warn ya
One turned into 7 in 4 months for me.