======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Marriage. Much like buying a puppy, there’s never a perfect time for it to happen. But eventually, you’ve gotta make it legit before the babymakers go down south and your parents don’t get the honor of having grandchildren.
Sure, some people are out there trying to find “the one” but others are just putting in time before kissing their single life (and single bank account) goodbye. Luckily, The New York Times came up with the 13 questions you’re supposed to discuss with your significant other before walking down the aisle and ending bachelorhood forever. Naturally, I had to answer them for myself to take the temperature of where I’m at.
1. Did your family throw plates, calmly discuss issues or silently shut down when disagreements arose?
When I was a little kid, my parents grounded me from going to my favorite trading card store because they were tired of driving the fifteen minutes to go there. So yeah, you could say that I was brought up in a selfish household where disagreements all ended with fairly self-serving resolutions.
2. Will we have children, and if we do, will you change diapers?
Alright, if you don’t think there’s going to be a WFDIII then you’re out of your goddamn mind. These Detroit Lions aren’t going to win a Super Bowl without him, so it’s my duty as a Michigander to put that boy on the field and let him march us to victory.
But nevermind that. Diapers? Nah. Remember when I said I wanted to be a stay-at-home dad? Yeah, I meant to include that my gig would only begin after the kids stop shitting themselves and begin going to school for at least six hours a day. I don’t fuck with farts and I don’t fuck with poop, and that goes for babies, friends, and women alike.
3. Will our experiences with our exes help or hinder us?
As long as you don’t dump me next to a pool while I’m eating Chipotle, you’re already ahead of the game when it comes to ex-girlfriends. My biggest fear in life is people hating me, so I strive to maintain a cordial relationship with all parties involved. Sure, their moms hate seeing me attend their weddings because I’m clearly the one who got away, but what am I supposed to do? Say no to an open bar? Not my style, never will be.
4. How important is religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays, if at all?
How will we celebrate religious holidays? Uh, like I celebrate every other type of holiday. Mimos in the morning, bloodies at lunch, scotch for dinner. It’s a pretty tried and true, foolproof formula if you ask me.
5. Is my debt your debt? Would you be willing to bail me out?
If you’re a bird, I’m a bird, baby. Chances are my debt will be higher because I’ve got champagne taste on a beer budget, so hope you’ve got your shit in order. I mean, sure, if I fall ass backwards into a pile of money, I’ll bail you out. But I need to work on that whole “ass backwards into a pile of money” part first if we’re going to even begin that conversation.
6. What’s the most you would be willing to spend on a car, a couch, shoes?
I mean, that depends on how much we’ve got in the bank. If money isn’t an option, neither is the price of that Chris Craft I want chilling at the end of my dock. When it comes to a couch, I’m a goose down guy so I’m obviously swinging for the fences with a nice triple-stitched Irish linen slipcover. And shoes? I’m not sure what my answer is for that, but I assume it falls somewhere around however much Scott Disick’s velvet slippers cost.
7. Can you deal with my doing things without you?
“Oh, sure, babe. Of course you can do brunch with the girls. I promise I’m not mad. I guess I’ll just go to the range and hit some balls or something. Or maybe play a full 18. Or maybe take a golf trip with the guys for a long weekend. Whatever you do, just don’t mind me. I’ll be fine. I promise. Love you!”
8. Do we like each other’s parents?
I can get along with anyone so just know this — if you don’t like my parents, we’re done. They brought me into this world and they’ll take me out of it if I marry some Runaround Sue they don’t approve of.
9. How important is sex to you?
How important is the number of karats on that finger of yours? Exactly.
10. How far should we take flirting with other people? Is watching pornography O.K.?
Considering I get wildly uncomfortable in strip clubs, my “flirting” will go as far as me asking the cart girl where she’s going to undergrad. As for you, I better not even hear that you have a GBF because I’ll immediately assume he’s secretly straight and only buddying up with you to see your boobs in the dressing room at Nordies. Don’t test me.
11. Do you know all the ways I say “I love you”?
How can I know all the ways to say “I love you” when I don’t even know what this question means? Does this mean something about buying flowers or not pooping when you’re in the house or something? I know one way to say “I love you” and that’s by saying the words “I love you.”
12. What do you admire about me, and what are your pet peeves?
I admire that you let me go out with the guys after we have a couples dinner even though you know we’re just going to go to the bar and discuss all the shit we didn’t feel comfortable discussing at the dinner itself.
But as for pet peeves, there’s no way I’m dumb enough to publicly announce those. That’s pretty much just me asking to sleep on that expensive-ass Irish linen couch you bought me tonight while I play FIFA alone in my boxers. Actually, that sounds awesome.
13. How do you see us 10 years from now?
Somewhere between divorce court because you finally realized how shitty of a person I am after you get to know me, or early retirement because we struck gold and bought a house on either John’s Island or Martha’s Vineyard. Or both, I’m not picky. Love you, mean it. .
[Questions via New York Times]
Image via Unsplash
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
14. Will you take on all my grudges and vendettas and hate the people I hate?
totes.
I hate all these goddamn prissy “how to figure out if you’re in love” articles from shit sites like Elite Daily. So thank you, Will, for consistently mocking them. It’s your life, people, none of the retards at the Times, Elite Daily, etc. know a thing about your personal love life.
But how will people validate their questionable life choices without the aid of Elite Daily!?
Being from a plate-throwing family. PGP.
Oh by the way, fuck Martha and her vineyard. John’s Island all the way.
I live on John’s Island, we must be talking about two different islands…
I fear bringing a son into this world because I know he’ll be subjected to the same Cleveland sports fan misery as me, my father, and his father.
Who dey
Let’s focus on the important stuff here: Will, my man, what is it about strip clubs that gets to you? Praying it involves a great night gone wrong
You’re perfect.
Martha’s Vineyard is filled with people who are still trying to be The Kennedy’s and pill/heroin addicts. The beaches are nice though but only for 2 months out of the year.
Dude that sounds tight.
It’s still cool as fuck don’t get wrong. You just gotta watch for the islanders, they’re a little off.
I wasn’t burning to get married and the idea of being the focus of attention for all those people was not fun either. However, three years in I’m happily married, the wedding was fun and flew by, and now we’ll have son sometime in the next month.
Due date is May 5th. I’ve told my wife…Daddy will always be drunk for Junior’s birthday!
If you find the right gal, marriage ain’t bad at all. I think you usually get what you deserve. I have probably 10 good friends who are married. I’d say 8 have good, sexy gals that I like and like being around. Two of them have wives that I have nothing to say to and no interest in being around. One kinda deserves it, the other guy…not sure how he ended up with her. She’s sexy, but veeerrry needy.
“you’ve gotta make it legit before the babymakers go down south”
Slow down there professor. I came here to read content, not take a biology course
I understand TGDAG is your shining accomplishment here, but please don’t let “Girls” airheaded abbreviations bleed into your other writing. Mimos? Was it really so hard to add the -as?
Not sure you really understand our man Chill DeBreeze here.
Thank you.
Mimos is the acronym you go after? Not “Nordies”? At least go for the one that’s not in common usage.
“I don’t understand irony or satire.” -That’s you.