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Dear homie,
I want to work with Long-Johnson and Ass. I attached my qualifications and a photograph. Hope you like bad bitches, because the baddest bitch is here.
Sincerely,
Miley R. Cyrus
Personal Information
Name: Miley Ray Cyrus
Address: World-mothafuckin-wide betch
Social Security number: #hellifiknow
Are you over age 18?: I am now! hashtag 21 #badbitchforlife #FuckHannahMontana
Marital Status: In a committed relationship with Molly. I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BALLLL #LiamWho #CantBeTamed
Position Applied For: Head bitch in charge
Wage Desired: Head bitch in charge wages
Education: School of “hard knocks #winkemoji,” PhD.
Have you ever been arrested for or convicted of a crime?: hashtag NoConvictions
Work Experience
Current: Straight up bad bitch. Didn’t you see my MTV special? #Bangerz #BadSanta #sorrynotsorry #cantstopwontstop (1992 – now)
Past: Hannah Montana and other kiddie crap. And Sex and the City 2. I’m famous, betch! (Can’t remember/hung over)
May we contact your present employer?: Any and all questions can be directed to Tish-Tish Cy-Cy, my main bitch.
Accomplishments/Awards: Beat President Obama in Time’s Person of the Year, Maxim Hot 100, posed nude for a t-shirt, survived an overdose in Amsterdam, smoked a blunt while accepting an MTV Europe award.
Special Skills: Twerking in the shower, twerking in public, twerking on stage, miscellaneous twerking, sexually licking inanimate objects, grinding on and dry humping anything and anyone, masturbating with foam fingers, being the only chick able to rock a Draco Malfoy haircut, people skills.
How can you contribute to the growth and expansion of our firm?: I’m not sure what you actually do but my HBIC status makes me run shit, hard. No one can sing, dance, or lick the tip of a microphone like me. I’ll rock a skin tight skin colored bikini to show off what an empowered woman I am.
P.S. #GayRights “You can make em lose weight, but ya cant turn em straight.” – Miley Cyrus #WentworthMillerLOOKALIKECONTEST
What will your goals be should you attain this position?: Run shit #cantstopwontstop. Take this mofo worldwide #BangerzTour
Do you have any questions for us?:
Do you drug test and if so how often? #IPartake
How much of my ass and tits are allowed to show and still be SFW? #nipples
Is unprotected sex allowed in the workplace?
Are the office staplers phallic enough to lick?
Respond
@5OClockShadow_
I would like to submit my face’s resume for consideration for the position of Miley’s chair.
“being the only chick able to rock a Draco Malfoy haircut” debatable: google Keira Knightley short hair
This was painful to read and I will never get that five minutes back. Think it has more to do with the subject matter than the writing though. The snapchat columns were hilarious.
I’d hire her because of the people skills, hard to find nowadays.