Somewhere during yet another awkward first dance questionably placed in the middle of the reception, it hit me. We have gone off course. We, as a generation, have strayed from our traditional values and are in desperate need of a captain to take control of the ship. I may just be some bitter single twenty-something, but if not me, then who? Exactly.
I’m writing this not as a hater, but as someone who will attend at least four weddings in 2016 who wants nothing but the best for all parties involved. Bride, groom, friends and family. It’s time that we make weddings great again. Tell me I’m wrong.
Axe The Rehearsal
“Hey, you’re gonna walk through this door and stand here.” — Every Wedding Coordinator Ever
Oh, shit. Glad I burned a half-day so I could arrive into town at 5 p.m. (peak rush hour) and be talked down to. We definitely needed an hour blocked off for that.
It may just be me, but I feel like it’s mildly insulting that I have to be told to make sure my belly button is pointing at the bride during the ceremony. Has anyone ever commented, “Great ceremony, but did you see that clown that was angled about 15 degrees left of where he should have been, which basically ruined the entire evening?” I bet not.
Guess what? I’m a functioning human being that you trusted enough to put in your wedding, so you should probably trust me enough to know how to walk into a church without fucking it up, and how to stand in a line without laying a greaser right there on the floor. My proposal? How about a couple hours before the ceremony the golden goddess known as the wedding coordinator gets everyone together and says, “Hey, I know you’re all adults who have either been to, or been in, multiple weddings, so how about you arrange yourselves behind the best man/maid of honor from shortest to tallest?” Unless you’re tricking up the wedding by having everyone do a choreographed dance down the aisle, it’s probably not necessary to make everyone practice walking and standing.
If someone can’t handle that, then they were a poor choice for the bridal party, and that’s on the bride and groom.
Dance Floor Lighting
This is a minor pet peeve of mine, but it’s something that is crucial to any reception: Dim the fucking lights on the dance floor if you want people to dance.
Do you really expect me to give my blood, sweat and tears on the floor if I’m completely visible for every person to judge? It’s not going to happen. I don’t want my asshole friend to have video of me from the sidelines while I set white people back 20 years by trying to hit the Nae Nae. Before you choose a venue, make sure you can dim the lights. Please.
If You Didn’t Drop A Stupid Amount Of Money On A Band, Just Get A DJ
The prevailing wisdom is that bands make receptions infinitely more fun. But do they really? Look, everyone wants to hear “Single Ladies” at some point, and when it happens, they don’t want to hear a somewhat attractive 45-year-old in a short dress butcher it. Okay, so she can sing better than 99% of the people in the room. There’s a reason she’s singing at a wedding in front of 250 people and not at the Toyota Center in front of 18,000. Wouldn’t hearing Beyonce sing the fucking song be infinitely better? Yeah, it would. And I don’t want to watch some bald white dude try to lay down Jay-Z’s verse, either. Does he even know what “Handle the rock like Van Exel” means? No way.
I’ve also noticed an unfortunate trend of wedding bands that are cheating the game by playing with a track behind them. I even saw some spare lead “guitar player” fake a solo during “Don’t Stop Believing.” That ruined my night. That guy probably gets laid because he’s in the band, but he’s just a fraud in reality. If the band you’re shelling out five figures to can’t play without training wheels, then they can’t play at all. You get what you pay for.
I’ve never been to a wedding with a DJ that wasn’t a verified rager. You know why? Because DJs can play anything. “Oh, you guys are hammered and want to embarrass yourselves trying to hit the Quan? He’s got you covered. The groom is probably on drugs and wants to hear ‘Country Grammar’? He’s got you, bro.”
Get The Stuff That People Only Pretend To Care About Out Of The Way
Best man and maid of honor speeches are really sweet, and I’m sure they’re going to be HILARIOUS, but I was just starting to feel myself on the dance floor when you interrupted me. Maybe I’m a selfish prick, but I can’t have a 30-minute break in the action if I’m going to turn this thing up a notch. All of that confidence I was oozing while “Twist and Shout” played has exited the building, and I don’t know if I’m going to be able to get it back.
Please, I implore you to take care of these at the rehearsal dinner so we can max this reception out the way everyone envisioned. I mean, you’re way more likely to remember a speech given at a rehearsal dinner than a speech given at the wedding. Everyone blacks out at weddings, even the bride and groom. Don’t you want to remember the maid of honor going on and on about how the bride has “inspired” her sooo much? LOL.
This goes for the first dance, too. I demand that all future first dances occur immediately upon the bride and groom’s entry. The last thing we all need is our vibe killed when the DJ goes from “Shake It Off” to the bride and groom awkwardly swaying with each other while “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” plays. Ugh.
The Ceremony And The Reception Should Not Be 20 Miles Apart
Has anyone ever gone to a wedding sober? Is that even a possibility? It’s not, obviously. Wedding guests aren’t just hanging out watching Gossip Girl all day; they’re boozing. The amount of time your guests will have no access to alcohol should be minimized at all costs.
After the ceremony, everyone in the place is riding a high that they want to parlay into cocktail hour, and the last thing anyone needs is a 25-minute car or shuttle ride to completely kill the momentum. It’s all about seamless transition. Here’s what every guest’s day should look like.
Day Drink > Uber > Ceremony > Cocktail Hour > First Dance > Eat > Turn Up > Uber > Hook Up > Pass Out
Notice the glaring lack of relocation between “ceremony” and “turn up.” Sure, I’ve been on some wild shuttle rides, but there’s always an uncomfortable mix of family and degenerate friends that can end up getting weird.
Play the damn song.
I’m not trying to step on toes here, but I think if we as a generation take these criticisms into consideration, we can make weddings great again..